From an age of innocence to a time of flagrant debauchery; from finding love to losing hope, this is the life journey of a Chinese gay guy born in KL, Malaysia where he tries to make sense of his homosexuality, his life and the world around him.
“难道你不觉得很矛盾，甚至有点讽刺吗？”
“怎么说？”
“你说你很想念你的前男友，但是你现在却约炮，多P，这样还不矛盾和讽刺？”
“思念和思春是两码事啊。”
“如果他看见现在的你，他会怎么想？"
“无论我现在在做什么，他都不会和我复合。我的任何行为都不会让他回心转意。”
“那为何还要自己纠缠在过去的回忆里？”
“痛苦到了某一个程度就会变成高潮，就像被人干一样。”
“自圆其说。”
“只要相信，就是真理。”
一念一世界，各人各囚笼。你我他存在同一個世界，卻不是活在同一個世界。个人的生活不需他人的认同，观念不同对待人生的角度自然不一样。
My first entry about my sexperience in the gym sauna was in 2012.
But there was a prior encounter where I was, sort of, publically harassed by another man. It never occured to me that it could happen to me and how it would encourages me to boldly go where many men had gone before.
It was a fateful weekend morning. I finished my workout and hit the shower by 11am. After a quick shower, I wrapped the white towel around my waist and proceed to the steamroom. As I was the only person inside the steamroom, I unwrapped my towel and place it on my lap and I sit on the upper level tile bench, looking out the clouded glass door.
Then a rather muscular guy came in. He was a regular at the gym, but we are not acquainted. He is probably in his late 30s. Not exactly goodlooking, but decent height and toned body. I have seen him around the gym and planetromeo.
Usually strangers don't talk to each other in gym sauna, but he initiate small talk with me. I answer absent mindedly. He then proceed to sit next to me. I didn't think much about it until suddenly i felt his hand on my leg. At that moment, I was dumbfounded and didn't react. But I quickly overcome the surprise, stood up and left the steamroom. I even politely said bye to him before exiting. I avoided him earnestly.
The experience was a bit shocking for me. But when I reflect upon it, I realized I missed out on something, and the GayLord decided that my time for random locker room encounter is upon me.
My subsequent locker room encounter also happened at the steamroom. As usual, I went to steamroom after workout, sitting at the side. A Chinese guy came in, took off his towel and sit next to me. This time round, I was not afraid to engage when he nudge against my leg. I touch his leg and move my hand sideway to lightly touch his cock. He didn't resist and started moving his hand further towards me. Suddenly, the glass door flung open, and we quickly stopped what we were doing, as another Chinese guy came in and sit at the opposite corner.
I thought that's the end of the encounter, but the guy next to me continue to touch me after awhile in plain sight of the other guy. The guy at the opposite has his gaze fixed on us touching each other. After a short caressing, the guy next to gesture me to go out, so I followed him out and together we went into a shower cubicle. To my surprise, the other person followed us into the shower cubicle and I had my first, brief but thrilling threesome in there. I briefly fuck the guy while the other person rub his cock against me. I don't think anybody notice us when we went out. The guy that followed us was no where to be seen afterwards but I did bump into the guy I fuck. We ended up exchanging contact, and had vanilla sex at his place for a few time.
My second locker room encounter happened when I decided to visit gym steamroom after a chill session. It was partly to sweat and mostly to cruise the locker room during morning. I was doing what cruiser do, go in and out of shower cubicle and steamroom multiple times, hoping to bump into fellow cruiser. Just as I thought I was out of luck, and decided to take a shower at the cubicle at the far end, I saw a Chinese guy went in to the cubicle opposite me, with shower curtain half opened. I responded by pulling the shower curtain half way too. As we turn on the shower head and wet our body, we position ourselves towards each other, we lock eyes and our intention was clear to each other. I quickly step into his cubicle and pull the curtain shut. He pump a handfull of shower gel and lather on his cock and my ass. That was my first and only time being fucked in a gym shower cubicle. It was exhilarating. I don't know if he did chill like me but he cum fast. I thought I could catch him when we leave the locker room but unfortunately we never cross path afterwards.
Third time's the charm. I was at a different gym, finished my workout at night and relaxing in the steamroom. A hunky good looking Malay guy came in, took off his towel and flash his stiff cock before me, inviting me to touch it. So I lean forward to grab and stroke it for a short while. We both left the steamroom as if nothing happened, and went to change as the gym was closing. We both did not pursue it further that day. I did bump into the Malay guy a few time while working out there but our schedule was usually different. One day, we saw each other leaving at the same time, and we sort of give each other a nod. As I trail behind him, he signal me to follow him to the mall toilet, which was deserted at that time. We stood next to each other at the urinal and I suck his cock for abit as my post-workout meal. I never see him afterwards as I moved to another gym.
After that, no more random gym encounter, mostly because I didn't go to gym much due to work schedule and laziness.
人感到寂寞时，会创作；一感到干净时，即无创作，他已经一无所爱。
创作总根于爱。
杨朱无书。
创作虽说抒写自己的心，但总愿意有人看。
创作是有社会性的。
但有时只要有一个人看便满足：好友，爱人。
这边厢因一部电影且说释怀了
另一边却因一首歌而漠然流泪
一个人就算领悟了谎言的真谛
以文字和笑颜瞒骗了全世界
乃至于自欺欺人
但是
在那不设防的午夜里
眼角的泪
心房的痛
却恰恰推翻自己的坚强
我只能坚信
时间是最好的疗药
虽然也明了
它
也是最苦涩的。
这份痛
渗透入灵魂
无止尽
释怀了
原来我的到来只不过是为摆渡你
送你到彼岸
想想这未尝不是最好的解脱说辞
我不会说我失去的是我爱的人而你失去的是爱你的人
因为你从来没失去过我
我依然故我
我依然在这里等待你
等待或摆渡其实没有差别
不过是一厢情愿的说法
毕竟我要说服的人不是你
而是我自己
我来了
我累了
我好了
我走了
我了了
You and me by You Me
You and me were always with each other
Before we knew the others was ever there
You and me we belong together
Just like a breath needs the air
I told you if you called I would come runnin'
Across the highs the lows and the in between
You and me we've got two minds that think as one
And our hearts march to the same beat
They say everything it happens for a reason
You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person
Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart
Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark,
Oh that's you me
You and me we're searching' for the same light
Desperate for a cure to this disease
Well some days are better than others,
But I fear no thing as long as you're with me
They say everything' it happens for a reason
You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person
Someone who will be there for you when you fall apart
Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark
And they say, everything it happens for a reason
You can be flawed enough but perfect for a person
Someone who will be there for you when you start to fall apart,
Guiding your direction when you're riding through the dark
Oh that's you and me
That's you and me
I asked myself, if I have move in with you. If I have stopped you from meeting with your ex, would we still be together? Maybe I should have been more determine with you, fighting for your return to my side. Maybe I should just accept the cruel fact that I shall remain alone for the rest of my life. So much questions, yet it shall all remain unresolved.
I wanted to hate you so much for raising me up to heaven and making me fall into the abyssal hell that I am in now. But I can't for I love you still. I can only hate myself for loving you so much. I can only hate myself for allowing myself to love again. It took me a year to let go of my previous relationship. That gruesome one year where I cry myself to sleep every night. Now I have to live through that again.
Maybe it is karma. Maybe it is punishment long destined for me. I know not anything else but succumb to this everlasting grief and loneliness.
I wish I could have hated you
But I know I still love you very much
I wish that this would just be another tantrum of yours,
But I fear that it is not.
That something so immensely profound come into my life
And went away just as fast as it comes,
Saddens me.
I fear that I no longer have anything left in me
To love, to look forward to, to cherish,
To call mine.
You have took the very last spark of joy in me,
The world has finally comes to an end before my life bids it farewell.
I don't even know how or why it ends.
Suddenly it blossom into the prettiest thing in the world.
Suddenly it wither into nothingness.
It happened so fast, so fast.
I had the best birthday present and worst Christmas present because of you.
I guess it is the best conclusion for you took away what you gave me.
The thing about infidelity is that you are not suppose to do it, but in the event that it happened, it is your responsibility to ensure that your partner never find out about it, not even to suspect you of it. Honesty is the foundation of any relationship, but if you have cheated, then maintain innocent by lying like it's the truth. Which hurt most? You cheating or you honest about you cheating? Both hurts equally.
"How could you betray me? I invited you! And what did you do afterwards? Both of you went behind my back to play without me. Why?"
"You were not free that day and we don't want you to feel jealous or left out, so we decided to keep mum."
"Please, regardless of whether I'm free or not, you guys would still do it without telling me."
"No, of course not. We will definitely tell you if you are free."
"That's not the point. The point is, he and me are together. Both of you are not suppose to plan this sort of things!"
Trust has always been a critical issue in any gay relationship. Infidelity is always around the corner. But how could it not be so when most gay relationship blossom from the seed of lust. When one meets the other through hookup, regardless if it's one to one or group, we should know very well that both has developed a pallette for assorted men. And yet we are surprised that they will not remain monogamous.
Granted, they are those who succeed in braving through the sea of raging sexual hormone, but those are rare. Even among these rare few, are those who can keep a secret very well.
As Mark Twain puts it, if you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Thus, if you don't mind inviting your friend to have sex with your boyfriend, then it should not matter if your friend had sex with your boyfriend without you, because likely you will have sex with your friend without your boyfriend. Hypocrisy? Double standard? No, it's justification to right our actions and to rebuke those who wronged us.
Browsing through Grindr, one would surely notice the numbers of MB quadrupled especially around KL area. It is widely acknowledged that the pics of MBs are greatly edited. Many have complaint that the actual person is far from what the picture depicts. But if you think about it, that's advertising in general. So why are people surprised? Do people really expect to pay mere hundred for someone with the perfect face, a chiseled body, a rock hard tool and exemplary service that is to die for?
Someone I once met criticise that it is unethical of these MBs to market themselves in such pretense, and went on and on about never being that cheap as to get a call boy. I kept quiet and listen to his grumbling, but deep down, a tiny voice retorts sarcastically, "Hello, not like you look like your picture. That pic you showed me is at an angle and likely to be a decade old when you have seen better days. I'm sure you are not as young as you said you are. If you are, good lord, have you not heard of skin care, dude, at least pop some vitamins. Or drink water if you can't afford vitamins. And you expect to hook up, oh gosh, why why why, why I never trust my own instinct. Damn, am I that desperate? Fuck, is he still yapping about his sexual experience? Oh, no, did he just touch me and left his hand on my arm. I should wiggle away. Why the fuck did I agree to meet at his place? Ok ok, let's just close my eyes and be done with this."
The pot calling the kettle black, and wished that I could knock myself senseless first, then back to my senses again, with both pot and kettle.
We never learn, do we?
分手的原因
在关系决裂的当下
变得无关重要
毕竟一切已成往事
你离开是事实
我被遗弃也是
我俩的缠绵只留待追忆
我不会怪罪你
也不会迁怒自己
那是你的选择
我爱你
所以我尊重你的抉择
我的感慨只为抚平我的思绪
不为挽回你
不为挽回我们
你自己也很清楚
要维持一段感情
最重要的
是两人之间的互相信任。
你自己也曾因察觉对方的谎言
而感到伤心和愤怒。
既然你深知爱情的成败因素
那你为何还有所隐瞒?
你应该知道
你那似不经意的省略
是那么处心积虑的隐瞒。
无论你如何经营一段感情
你的努力最终只会付诸流水
因为不是对方把你的付出当成理所当然
而是你为自己最初的背叛付出了代价
最终那感情告吹。
The best way to get over a pass relationship is to be involve in a new relationship, but the difficult part is, can one open their heart to another when it was battered and incomplete. Only through time would the heart heals and the scar faded, only then can the person love again.