Of being homophobic

When USA announced the equal right of marriage, my FB was flooded by the pride rainbow. People post and repost about their opinions on gay marriage, about being gay and how it is going to change the world. A friend asked why do I not rejoice in that, to him I answered, "What the fuck does it got to do with me? Not like we are legalising gay marriage here. Beside, US is not the first country to legalise gay marriage. All the hoohaa simply because US has better media coverage."

The exchange of argument between gay marriage supporters and haters mostly revolve around the will of God, the laws of nature and the society norm. The same old pointless debate that ultimately question the existence of a Maker.

And then there were friends that posted, "I have nothing against gay, but I just don't think god/nature meant for two men to marry/i do not want it happening around me". I wanted to say to them, "It is alright to be homophobic. Just like it is alright to have malicious thoughts, suicidal intention, wet dreams, crave for cigarettes and whatever. If you stand behind it, by all means do, nobody should be blame for that. The fact is that the statement is down right homophobic and the sad thing is, people who said so are not even aware of it. Ignorance is a blister not a bliss.

The Law of Three(some)more

I was confronted, again.

Somehow these confrontation thingy is happening once too often, as if I'm an easy pick. But I guess being older means I'm wiser and know how to deal with confrontation without getting pissed. Either that or I'm becoming senile, thus easy target. Grrr...

Again, I was confronted awhile back. Someone who invited me to join him and his buddy for threesome confronted me, demanding answers to some questions. One, am I into his friend more then I am into him? Two, am I not click with him? OK, so it's basically the same question. Regardless, these are tricky questions especially when you want to preserve a good relationship with the other person, coz you never know when the next invitation to a raunchy sexcapade might come from.

I mean, do you honestly expect a truthful answer? Instead of asking me such awkward questions, why not ask yourself, who is the better looking, the more desirable one between you and him. Wouldn't the answer be clear without me being blunt?

In my defence, I have totally forgotten how the friend looks. I would not be able to recognise him even if he is standing before me. But I do admit that the friend is definitely much more desirable then the host. But, that doesn't mean I do not know how to play the game properly. There was a second then, that I felt offended because I was accused of not knowing the proper things to do when invited to someone's home to fuck with two guys. It was a shocking revelation for I think I might have achieve the Great Promiscuousnes.

Thus the Law of Three(some) goes, if you have a good looking guy to sex with, keep him to yourself unless you are equally good looking, and the third guy you invited over has such difficulty in choosing which to please that he ends up a slave for both. 

Clarity

There are many a times, during and after, hooking up with someone that I asked myself "What the heck am I doing? Why am I doing this? Am I really this desperate? Horny? What has gotten into me? I should stop ridiculing myself this way." Such is the dilemma I put myself into. Actually, I have had such schizophrenia moment time and over again, yet I still find myself in the same pile of shit over and over again, for I never seem to learn from it. I guess I'm guilty of letting my cock act before my brain.

Scandalous Instagram Account

Roughly 3 months back, I did something really scandalous. I created an Instagram account with the tagline of "My Fucking Memoir in Still", documenting moments of my sex life, in which there are pictures of oral, anal and some down right kinky stuff. In less then 3 months, I posted around 40 very revealing pictures, and was able to gather nearly 4 thousand followers. The figure was a bit shocking to me, but after seeing other people which can gather 400 likes for one picture in less then an hour, I realize my feat was actually mediocre by standards. Too bad the officials caught up and the account was banned, which was not surprising at all. Thankfully it was banned, for I realize I really don't have much pics to post anymore. And no, am not planning to recreate another similar account, too much effort and too stressful. There were many times during the 3 months period, where I log on to Instagram in the middle of the night, or every hour after I posted a pic, just to find out how many likes I can gather or if anybody left me any comments. It can borderline psychotic and narcissistic for sure.

Words That Echos

Sometimes we can see cool profiles posted on social media. Sometimes people write the darndest thing, and you wonder what were they high on when typing it. There is always insight for us to reflect on, or ideas that echos our thoughts, but we just don't have the flair to pen it correctly. Although there are always the high probability of plagiarism, or mere piracy.

It is said that a picture paints a thousand words, but are we so shallow that we can be sum up in a thousand words? But of course, it is a meat market afterall on social media, dealing in satisfying the demand and supply of bodies, an articulate brain is just salad dressing. As one profile aptly says it, description is not necessary for the right one. Another profile writes, if the person is ugly, you call them a stalker BUT If the person is good looking, you call them a secret admirer.

Both rings true. I always say, the reason you don't fuck a guy, whether he is your brother, friend, colleague, relative or whatever, is because he is not good looking enough to stir your groin, there really is no moral values to support that claim.

With a Vengeance

With the boom of social media, the dynamics of gay interactions evolved. Many a thing once deem taboo even by gays are now generally accepted, like... hmm... come to think about it... is there even any taboo for gays? Anyway, my point being, gay interactions in this digital age has intensified greatly. People are losing their virginity sooner, trying out all sorts of sexual practices and of course quadrupled the chance of getting to know people who share similar fascination towards the male body. It not only opens up our world, it also taught us vital skills in life, namely the art of rejection.

In this day and age, we have all our fair share of being rejected and rejecting others. We all have had doors slammed in the face at hello, be it slammer or slammed. Though rejection is never an enjoyable vibe, we all learned to accept it, because the rule of the universe dictates "as you choose, you are chosen upon too". It's a fair world; if you want to get that cute, handsome and built man, make sure you are equally cute, handsome and built. Simple logic.

That being said, rejection can be a driving force too. We have all heard stories of people losing tremendous weight or gaining ripping muscle to become an adonis. We naturally assume that these hunks get all the good meat in the circle, which I have yet to conclude, seeing that their path and mine don't cross. As to how and if rejection does keeps one motivated, I guess it very much depends on individual.

But there is one thing about rejection that we all share, that is the sense of achievement when we are accepted by those who once rejected us. Especially in the case of hooking up, it feels great when you finally get under the pants of those who once rejected you; and the session ends with a mental note for yourself "reject me, see where I get you now, ha!". The sense of accomplishment can be so overwhelming that some consider it their trophy moment and can't wait to share it with others. Lets face it, even though kiss-and-tell is a terrible habit, but for an average joe, we pride ourselves in nailing a handsome dude.

But people often lose sight when it comes to after-sex contemplation (yes, the universe preach that one should always reflect upon oneself after orgasm, it's a good stimulation for the mind), we never question why the person who rejected us accept us again? Was it because we was unimpressive back then that the guy has no recollection? If that is the case, do we question ourselves whether we have improved much since then? If the answer is negative, why do we not wonder why we were accepted again this time round? The answer might not be forthcoming from the person, but there are consensus about how such change of heart happens, and that is, the person was just too horny and you happens to come by when all his options go south. To put it bluntly, it was mere luck and it's likely to be a one-off kind of thing, so don't get carried away and hope to become his buddy or worse, fuel your ego with false pride. The rules of universe dictates, "universe hiccups too", so after the hiccup, the rules will fall back into place, and the world will keep on going as it is, with both person once again segregated accordingly.

Spooky Stalker

The down side of putting your face on gay social network such as Grindr and Jack'd is that everybody knows that you are gay. Well, that's the whole point of course, but then there are those people you wish you could block out, so that they will remain ignorant of your sexuality, and it's very specific kind of person; those that you don't find attractive at all, or that you don't want to be talking gay stuff with. You know, that loud mouth annoying colleague or the scary gymmer that seems to hang around the shower everyday or the short and ugly neighbor that you want to avoid.

I have this new colleague who was short and slightly annoying. I don't really mind him since we are of different departments, but the other day he saw me on Jack'd and send me a message, wanting to befriend me, which I ignored. A day after, he send me another message, asking me if I was T or B. That spooks me big time! Now I try to avoid him as much as possible.

I feel that one needs to learn to restrain themselves in office environment. Just because we are both gay, it doesn't mean we should start hanging out everyday. I admit that it has a lot to do with how he looks, but still, when you are on gay social network, it is understood that we all have the choice to choose, whether we want to be friend or hookup or whatever. But now in this situation, I was cornered. I can't escape working in the same company with him, though I might ignore or avoid any contact with him, there is no telling when we might actually need to sit down face to face and talk! I have this creepy thought of bumping him in the toilet and he tries to grapple me or flashes his tiny cock before me. I never thought I would ever need to entertain the idea of office sexual harassment, but now I got the chance to ponder on it. Nightmare! Haha.Sigh, the price to pay to be open about your sexuality in the gay social network.

A Matter of Age

Gay men lie about their age because they want to get laid. We will surrender ourselves in all our glory before a good looking and great bodied man, and firmly believe in the cardinal rule that our random sexual encounters will slowly come to an end once we hit 35 and gradually diminishes to nonexistent pass 40; unless we manage to find the fountain of youth or injected a DNA altering concoction that instantaneously beef up our body to those of a porn star or get filthy rich or find true love, which if you haven't started on it before 35, it's likely that you have to consider sex toys and call boys. Luckily, online shopping and getting call boys are so easy nowadays, it even eliminates the embarrassment of asking the dealer what sizes are available. 

Although some men does age gracefully or manage to maintain a killing figure, most men just succumb to the power of time. It's scientifically proven that as age goes up, men's hormone level goes down, but strangely gay men seem to be able to maintain higher hormone than the straights, our sexual urges seems to last much longer and with higher intensity. 

The fact that the meat market is very sensitive to a wide range of numbers, such as weight, height, length, BMI, age etc, forces gay men raging with sexual urges to under state some of the figures to make themselves much more marketable, or at least hope that once in the room, there is no where for the other guy to go but to release the tension sexually. 

Massage boys frenzy

Ever try turning on Grindr or Jack'd in Bukit Bintang area? If you did, you'll realize that your screen is swarm by pictures of massage boys from our neighboring countries. I guess market here must be quite good, seeing that we do have constant supplies of boys offering their bodies to local men and foreign visitors alike.

It doesn't take a genius to know that their pictures has gone through photoshop. Flawless skin and perfect body everyone of them? I don't think that there are that many hunky men running around in our city.

I have even come across a site that explicitly discuss the performance and services provided by massage boys in the country. The information provided allows people to peek into the world of paid sex. Honestly speaking, if I'm rich and I can afford it, I wouldn't mind giving it a try or two, or maybe three... but at a price tag of RM200, I think I rather spend it on some quality food or splurge on luxury items I don't need.

Getting high in HD

An accurate depiction of a subculture rampant in our circle, the only problem is... not all men are that sexy. Or maybe you have to be in the league in order to be in the circle of such hunks.

Momentum

Just because we meet someone online that seems compatible with each other, doesn't always means that it will translate into something substantial. Often I find that we need to ask the person out right there and then, for a drink, a date or just down right dirty fun, if we were to expect anything out of it. Else, with the momentum lost, all will be lost.

Unlike the good old days where msn is still around, we can drop by to say hi whenever we see the person online, because often, when we see another person on msn, it  means that the other guy is free. But nowadays with whatsapp or line, it's hard to tell if the person is busy with something or not. True, we can still say hi, but how disappointing it is when the person fails to reply or maybe decided to ignore the message instead. I know I have done that many a times, ignoring messages from online acquaintances.

Betrayal

Betrayal is one of the worst pain ever a man can endure regardless of whether you are betrayed by a colleague, a friend, a lover, a family member or a country man. That someone abused the trust you gave them, it is as if your body has been violated, granted there are people who fantasize about being raped, but betrayal is at a level beyond many of us.

I realize that people who were betrayed always blame the person who betrayed them. I guess it is only human that we divert the pain we feel inside into anger that we could channel outside. We never stop and wonder why we were betrayed. One might think it's pathetic wanting to give a valid reason to justify our betrayal, but consider this, being trusting is one thing, being ignorant is another.

The Days After 5th of May

On the 5th of May, I exercise my right as a citizen of Malaysia, only to discover along with the rest of the country, how easily removed the indelible ink was. Then on the same night, the excitement of possibly overturning the dictatorship turned into sadness when it seems that dirty politic tricks was used. The next two days was filled with further disappointment  both to the country and to the people of the country. The racist statements, the rumors of violence and the irrational thinking of many people.

What does the Chinese want? If you still have to ask, it shows how little you know about the Chinese after 50 plus odd years.

存在的假矛盾

有人说，你需要这么痴情，这么伟大吗？我说，伟大？不，我一点也不伟大，反而很可耻。只是一些事实你不懂，所以你才把我的无耻当成痴情。我相信当你知道实情后，你一定不会有这种想法。然而我却不会把真相告诉你，因为我没有勇气去面对。我只能说，我是在把它包装起来，让自己不那么空虚而已。一切都不过是为了欺骗自己，欺骗世界的大谎言。不要太执著我写的任何东西。真的，虽然写的都是真心剖白，然而同一时间却也都是心的谎言。

What's right?

I have never been good with dates. I have forgotten when exactly it happens. Sometimes it feels like ages ago, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Regardless, the emotion remains strong. I've tried to explain to myself that it's karma, I've tried convincing myself that I am in control, I even tried to be delusional. But alas, there is a revelation out of all these still, at least for now.

Is there a reason to all these self explanation? It serves to calm myself every time it turns into a turmoil inside. It seems that I need to justify my own action. I realize that there is a consequences to all the things done, but at this point in my life, consequences is the last thing in my mind. I tell myself, what is there to care about, I have been forsaken. What is your life to do with me? But then, this tiny voice inside my head whisper to me, saying that I should not let others bear this pain that I feel. I guess I have some conscience left in me. But still, I don't seem to make the right decision eventhough I know what's the right thing to do. Curious how perverted the mind can be when death weights so heavily onto one.

Bersih 3.0

I was at the Berish 3.0 rally for a different reason, but I was there nonetheless. I waited and walked to Merdeka Square like the rest, and felt the tear gas too, although I count myself lucky as I only catch a slight stink of the awful weapon used.

The truth is I don't really care about electoral reform or how corrupted the current government is. For one, I leave no children behind, thus whatever happens has no consequences to me. Eventhough I have other family members here, but it doesn't seem to matter that much to me. I guess that is how some gay feels too. But then again, I know of other gays that feels strongly towards this cause, and I applaud them for it. Someone has to do it, if it's not me, than it is somebody else. But still, that doesn't stop me from feeling disturbed by the things that happened on that day, through the viewing of the videos posted. Do I smell jasmine? I hope not.

Random Tandem

Someone offered to be my soulmate. I was not aware that the position is up for application. Maybe if I were to give both of us a chance to get to know each other, we might become soulmate eventually. But I highly doubt it. I personally believe that if one were to consciously make something happen, it would fail terribly. Though one may argue that it is the amount of effort one put into it, same as every single thing in life, but somehow I'm more incline to let things happen by itself. Not exactly the most proactive life philosophy, but as someone once told me, whatever floats your boat, guess it's floating mine. There was a saying that the bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. With no expectation, even the smallest thing is a blessing. Self delusion maybe, but ignorance is bliss and indeed I am being blithely unconcerned.

So to the person who offered to be my soulmate, I am grateful of your kind offer but with a heavy heart, I have to decline the proposition. I wish you good luck in your search of soulmate and any other future endeavor.

In a totally unrelated note, somehow I have an urge to pen this down from my latest read of John Irving's The World According to Garp - they all settled into being the kind of friends many old friends become: this is, they were friends when they heard from each other – or when, occasionally, they got together. And when they were not in touch, they did not think of one another. Sad though it may sound, true that it does ring. Hmm... I think it got something to do with the Nickelback song playing on tv now, if today is the last day of your life. Totally random.

Provocation through Inspiration

It was weird to officially see a follower on this obscure corner in the cyberworld. True, there are friends who sometimes drop by, but to see "1 Follower" on the dashboard was, in a sense, awe inspiring. Of course, this doesn't mean that I don't appreciate those who drop by once in awhile, I can no other answer make, but, thanks, and thanks.

Nearing 30 seems to stir up quite some things in life. It was weird in a sense that everything from ideals in life, dreams of future, passion for words, self revelation and other random thoughts just gushes out of nowhere. Everything suddenly shines in a different light. I realized that I'm trapped in a rat race, or rather, I have always know that I'm in a rat race but just never have the motivation to get out of it. I was waiting for Godot.

I think my celestial stars are aligning in a particular way now that I'm nearing the big three-O. I realized that I have spend the pass few years doing nothing. It was at first fun because I thought I was enjoying my life to its fullest but then the depressing moment daunts me when I have to come to terms with the fact that I have wasted a big chunk of my prime achieving nothing, nothing memorable. There was no monetary gain, no asset, no hunky body, no success. Lucky for me, I don't dwell on the past too long. Nothing to be done about the past. Time to move on, that's what I told myself. The sudden paradigm shift was exciting.

There was a lot of anxiety involved when one makes life changing decisions no matter the age. But the relief one felt after affirming to that decision was overwhelming. I am generally happier. Going to office no longer seems so depressing , although I still wake up unwillingly. It opens up a whole lot of different perspectives in life.

I hope to start writing again. I think there lives an aspiring writer somewhere in me.

I think I need to pucker up and stop being so random in my thoughts.

Dumb & Dumber

"Dumb ass, what do you expect? She accepted your invitation of dinner on her birthday."
"It's just a dinner, I didn't make a big deal of it."
"Not everyone is a loser like you that like to spend their birthday alone."
"Excuse me."
"Somemore you gave her a present."
"It's her birthday, what's wrong with present? Plus, it's just some small things I get on the way."
"She doesn't treat it that way. Imagine going out to dinner with a guy alone on your birthday and getting a present, it totally hinted that you like her."
"What?"

The bad thing about not being openly gay is that sometimes you forgot that you are gay. We spend so much effort in making ourselves attractive to the same sex that we forgot that it very likely attracts the opposite sex even more. Many of the gay men I knew would probably make a very good husband- they cook, they take great care of their parents, they maintain their looks, they workout and are most probably artistically incline in some sort of musical talents (although I find that I'm missing most traits I just mentioned, luckily my sexual preferences towards male body confirms my gayness albeit in a pathetically sad way).

Blame it on David Beckham in blurring metrosexual and homosexual. Back then dressing up nicely makes you gay, now, not only do we have to distinctively demonstrate our sexuality in a ever more metrosexual society in order to nail the guy we want, we also have to act straight but somehow deter girls for thinking that we are husband material. Not forgetting all the family members that constantly bicker about when we are starting our family.

I devised a plan. I think I'll just move to a different country for a couple of years. Detaching myself from using MSN or facebook. Then come back two years later and when people asked me when I'm getting married, I'll just conjure up the Golden Globe Best Actor in me and says, "Once is enough, I don't think I can go through all the hassle of getting married, divorce and everything." Throw in a sad little smile and turn my head to one side. I think that would be enough to stop most people from asking... I hope...

Rant

So there was this unknown guy that prompts me on msn, obviously someone I have removed from my list. After the short pleasantry exchange, I confessed that I have no recollection who he is and he told me that we chatted long time ago and never met before. For no apparent reason, the conversation make a sharp turn.

"I was at the club the other day and someone asked to fuck me, but I am top wo, how ah?"
"Go get fuck then, you might like it."
"But how ah? How to get fuck ah?
"Google it."
"How la, I don't know wo."

I removed and blocked him. What the hell was he thinking? First, I don't believe that people can be so thick that they do not know how to use Google. Second, is that suppose to be some ice breaking conversation? I mean, come on, of all the things one can say, that is one the of dumbest and most desperate thing I have ever heard. My personal take on him was that he is obviously a super bottom deprieved of sex and most likely going for something like "Can you show me ah?" at the end of the conversation. Indeed most top have this egoistic satisfaction of converting another top to bottom, but top fuck with their dick not think with their dick.

Argh... idiot!!