Gym Steamroom Encounters

My first entry about my sexperience in the gym sauna was in 2012.

But there was a prior encounter where I was, sort of, publically harassed by another man. It never occured to me that it could happen to me and how it would encourages me to boldly go where many men had gone before.

It was a fateful weekend morning. I finished my workout and hit the shower by 11am. After a quick shower, I wrapped the white towel around my waist and proceed to the steamroom. As I was the only person inside the steamroom, I unwrapped my towel and place it on my lap and I sit on the upper level tile bench, looking out the clouded glass door.

Then a rather muscular guy came in. He was a regular at the gym, but we are not acquainted. He is probably in his late 30s. Not exactly goodlooking, but decent height and toned body. I have seen him around the gym and planetromeo.

Usually strangers don't talk to each other in gym sauna, but he initiate small talk with me. I answer absent mindedly. He then proceed to sit next to me. I didn't think much about it until suddenly i felt his hand on my leg. At that moment, I was dumbfounded and didn't react. But I quickly overcome the surprise, stood up and left the steamroom. I even politely said bye to him before exiting. I avoided him earnestly.

The experience was a bit shocking for me. But when I reflect upon it, I realized I missed out on something, and the GayLord decided that my time for random locker room encounter is upon me.

My subsequent locker room encounter also happened at the steamroom. As usual, I went to steamroom after workout, sitting at the side. A Chinese guy came in, took off his towel and sit next to me. This time round, I was not afraid to engage when he nudge against my leg. I touch his leg and move my hand sideway to lightly touch his cock. He didn't resist and started moving his hand further towards me. Suddenly, the glass door flung open, and we quickly stopped what we were doing, as another Chinese guy came in and sit at the opposite corner. 

I thought that's the end of the encounter, but the guy next to me continue to touch me after awhile in plain sight of the other guy. The guy at the opposite has his gaze fixed on us touching each other. After a short caressing, the guy next to gesture me to go out, so I followed him out and together we went into a shower cubicle. To my surprise, the other person followed us into the shower cubicle and I had my first, brief but thrilling threesome in there. I briefly fuck the guy while the other person rub his cock against me. I don't think anybody notice us when we went out. The guy that followed us was no where to be seen afterwards but I did bump into the guy I fuck. We ended up exchanging contact, and had vanilla sex at his place for a few time.

My second locker room encounter happened when I decided to visit gym steamroom after a chill session. It was partly to sweat and mostly to cruise the locker room during morning. I was doing what cruiser do, go in and out of shower cubicle and steamroom multiple times, hoping to bump into fellow cruiser. Just as I thought I was out of luck, and decided to take a shower at the cubicle at the far end, I saw a Chinese guy went in to the cubicle opposite me, with shower curtain half opened. I responded by pulling the shower curtain half way too. As we turn on the shower head and wet our body, we position ourselves towards each other, we lock eyes and our intention was clear to each other. I quickly step into his cubicle and pull the curtain shut. He pump a handfull of shower gel and lather on his cock and my ass. That was my first and only time being fucked in a gym shower cubicle. It was exhilarating. I don't know if he did chill like me but he cum fast. I thought I could catch him when we leave the locker room but unfortunately we never cross path afterwards.

Third time's the charm. I was at a different gym, finished my workout at night and relaxing in the steamroom. A hunky good looking Malay guy came in, took off his towel and flash his stiff cock before me, inviting me to touch it. So I lean forward to grab and stroke it for a short while. We both left the steamroom as if nothing happened, and went to change as the gym was closing. We both did not pursue it further that day. I did bump into the Malay guy a few time while working out there but our schedule was usually different. One day, we saw each other leaving at the same time, and we sort of give each other a nod. As I trail behind him, he signal me to follow him to the mall toilet, which was deserted at that time. We stood next to each other at the urinal and I suck his cock for abit as my post-workout meal. I never see him afterwards as I moved to another gym.

After that, no more random gym encounter, mostly because I didn't go to gym much due to work schedule and laziness.

Pot & Kettle

Browsing through Grindr, one would surely notice the numbers of MB quadrupled especially around KL area. It is widely acknowledged that the pics of MBs are greatly edited. Many have complaint that the actual person is far from what the picture depicts. But if you think about it, that's advertising in general. So why are people surprised? Do people really expect to pay mere hundred for someone with the perfect face, a chiseled body, a rock hard tool and exemplary service that is to die for?

Someone I once met criticise that it is unethical of these MBs to market themselves in such pretense, and went on and on about never being that cheap as to get a call boy. I kept quiet and listen to his grumbling, but deep down, a tiny voice retorts sarcastically, "Hello, not like you look like your picture. That pic you showed me is at an angle and likely to be a decade old when you have seen better days. I'm sure you are not as young as you said you are. If you are, good lord, have you not heard of skin care, dude,  at least pop some vitamins. Or drink water if you can't afford vitamins. And you expect to hook up, oh gosh, why why why, why I never trust my own instinct. Damn, am I that desperate? Fuck, is he still yapping about his sexual experience? Oh, no, did he just touch me and left his hand on my arm. I should wiggle away. Why the fuck did I agree to meet at his place? Ok ok, let's just close my eyes and be done with this."

The pot calling the kettle black, and wished that I could knock myself senseless first, then back to my senses again, with both pot and kettle.

We never learn, do we?

Too much of a good thing

Men's ego, whether gay or straight, will be hugely amplified if they have a substantial amount of sexual endurance to fuck. Even with the invention of the little blue pill, one would still need to be equipped with endurance and stamina to perform, unless one don't mind to be call the human dildo, forever stiff but never moving. But then it takes two to tango, so without those who appreciate the long lasting sexual stamina, all is for naught.

For those on the path of the Great Promiscuousnous, we know what we fancy in bed, whether it be kissing, nipple play, oral, rimmed, feet worship, ear licking, s&m, we all have our own things that we enjoy. Myself, like many others, enjoyed nipple play. The ecstasy from nipple being licked and sucked and played is cock stiffening. Play with it all night long and I'm content, or so I thought.

It was a session of three where two was dead tired from over indulgence while the third was starting fresh. The problem of course is that the two can't keep up and wanted to sleep while the third was horny as hell. Being a bottom, the third was a bit frustrated with the other two not maintaining hardness, so he went for his other fancy, nipple play. Unluckily lucky, my left nipple was his target. He was on it for two full hours nonstop. It was then that I realised, a two hours nipple play wasn't as arousing as I thought it would be, especially in a drowsy mood.

Sometimes in bed, with libido running high, we brag that we can do what we enjoy all night long, but it's basically a figure of speech. Although I have heard of stories about nonstop humping from 12 to 12, I find it difficult to grasp the fine balance of sore ass and soar high. 2 hours nonstop, that's the max I would accept, or that is my endurance cap.

The Law of Three(some)more

I was confronted, again.

Somehow these confrontation thingy is happening once too often, as if I'm an easy pick. But I guess being older means I'm wiser and know how to deal with confrontation without getting pissed. Either that or I'm becoming senile, thus easy target. Grrr...

Again, I was confronted awhile back. Someone who invited me to join him and his buddy for threesome confronted me, demanding answers to some questions. One, am I into his friend more then I am into him? Two, am I not click with him? OK, so it's basically the same question. Regardless, these are tricky questions especially when you want to preserve a good relationship with the other person, coz you never know when the next invitation to a raunchy sexcapade might come from.

I mean, do you honestly expect a truthful answer? Instead of asking me such awkward questions, why not ask yourself, who is the better looking, the more desirable one between you and him. Wouldn't the answer be clear without me being blunt?

In my defence, I have totally forgotten how the friend looks. I would not be able to recognise him even if he is standing before me. But I do admit that the friend is definitely much more desirable then the host. But, that doesn't mean I do not know how to play the game properly. There was a second then, that I felt offended because I was accused of not knowing the proper things to do when invited to someone's home to fuck with two guys. It was a shocking revelation for I think I might have achieve the Great Promiscuousnes.

Thus the Law of Three(some) goes, if you have a good looking guy to sex with, keep him to yourself unless you are equally good looking, and the third guy you invited over has such difficulty in choosing which to please that he ends up a slave for both. 

The Law of Three(some)

To achieve Great Promiscuousnes, one must master the many disciplines that governs the integrity of this state. Among which is the Law of Three(some), widely accepted as the major sign of promiscuousnes. For once you have two men at once, sex would never be the same.

Threesome, to engage in sexual activity with two individuals simultaneously. A wild fantasy for the uninitiated, but for many gay, it is likely something they have had a go at. I had mine at the age of 18, right after my first encounter with a man that was considerably disappointing. The funny thing was, I don't quite recall the threesome, instead whatever memory I have of the session was the twosome in the shower room. Well, that's another entry at a different time.

So unless one is willing to give threesome another try, one would probably keep to one man per copulation. Rightly so as even the most seasoned of players don't get enjoyable threesome that often. We can have better satisfaction with just one man. It was probably hope that with quantity, quality should increase by proportion too.

The consensus on having a good threesome is getting three guys that can click with the other two, which enjoys similar sexual activities. For some reason, it's hard to come by. Thus, the search for the elusive three ways orgasm continues. But I think we have side track on this search. Is it really that hard to get three men that is in to each other to sex together? I think not. Instead I would think that it's crucial to gather three men that can click 'at the exact same moment for the same duration' for a successful threesome. The keyword here is timing. If the three men can't be high and horny at the same time, for the same duration the threesome is likely to turn into a twosome where one wanders off to rest while the other two continues. Still, it is not all for naught, at least 5-10 minutes of threeways action was squeezed out of it. An attempt worthy of the title 'not bad'.

of New Faces & Old Fucks

The gay scene in KL is small, smaller still for gay men with huge appetite for sex. Throw in superficial discrimination, fetishes of all sorts and some sex drugs, the circle become even smaller still. I have since established the degree of separation between one fuck to another, after meticulously comparing data with a fellow buddy... I mean fellow researcher. The findings were staggering.

If you live in KL just as I, but our path never cross, it's likely that we will remain strangers until the end, yet we will still have common friends. We may even copulated the same man, or men, but statistically, you and I will remain ignorant of each other's presence or role in the other's life, forever. So concluded the study of my sundry sex life.

After more than a decade and a half, I honestly do not remember how many men I've played with. But then again, after such long years, many details would have been forgotten unless visual cue was given, preferably the same picture that I have seen before, because wrinkles and body fat can change a person's appearance dramatically. You can't really blame me for not recognising you after seeing your latest profile picture, since our last shag was several years ago and in between this time we have not communicate nor visibly active on social media. Except for a few that I have manage to keep in contact with throughout the years, I have basically lost contact with all the men I sexed with. Surprisingly unsurprising, it's very common and most people go through the same tribulation in achieving the Great Promiscuous. Those that remembers, well, you obviously haven't had enough variants in your sex life. Good for you for being loyal, but in case your lack of variance in sex life is because of some physical attribution imposed by superficial discrimination, well, you can always pay for it. Really, why pay for gym or slimming packages that don't work, when all you need is a fuck that is just one message away. It doesn't matter whether I condoned human trafficking or not, the trade is active nonetheless.

Oh wait, I have drifted away from the initial motive of this post. Remember the Kelvin & Terry post (..of Jealous & Possesive Boyfriend) where I was accused of fucking someone I don't even know, it turns out, I do know that person and have fucked him years ago. All matters considered, I am still wrongly accused, but knowing that I have actually fucked the guy, makes me feel so much more at ease. Twisted. I know.

Scrapheap

It often happens this way, a few hours into the session, both person started to play with their phone and it was somehow mutually agreed without discussion, that a third guy is needed to spice things up. As there will always be some horny guy still awake in the wee hour of Saturday wanting to get lucky, it would usually be quickly arranged to kick start the party again. That is where this hook up story begins.

Woken by the sound of the messages at 3am, I know that it was obviously an invite to join a session from some of my acquaintances. True enough, it was from someone familiar. Though feeling sleepy, my sexual urges overcome my common sense and I find myself driving nearly an hour to the party location. My friend told me that he will be leaving early in the morning, so I naturally tries to let him have his way with the host. But somehow, the flame of lust fails to sustain the two men in heat, and a fourth guy was invited over. Since things didn't happen between the host and the friend, naturally I was designated to the host while the friend mingle with the fourth guy.

But at the time when the friend needs to leave, I was told that nothing happens between them during that whole time. Though no reason were disclose, I suspect it has to do with compatibility issues. In the morning, I have a feeling that the friend actually wanted to stay over, but the host nonchalantly reminded the friend that he needs to leave to attend to his errands. Right that moment, I caught a glimpse of dissatisfaction in the friends face at the corner of my eyes. He quietly pack and left. The fourth guy left soon after, though we did manage to catch some action. After that, it was just me and the host until 6pm. I clocked 14 hours for this session, with some serious humping involved.

I'm not sure if the friend is angry at me or not because he didn't message me afterwards. Still, I don't think that I should be blamed, even though I probably played a huge part in the whole session falling apart, but the way to The Great Promiscuousnes are paved with uneven rocks of sharp edges and slippery surface, all who seek it must embrace bruises and cut.

Go Play Outside

Epigram : If mom finds out what her geeky son was playing outside, she would have probably give him an Xbox instead.

We fantasize about it, we see amateur porn with people doing it, yet most of us don't dare to try it. If you don't know what I'm writing about still, it's outdoor sex. We want it but we don't dare to do it, that's how the scene was around here, back then before the millennium, but with the Generation Z onward, I'm not so sure how true it remains.

To start off, we need to get the terminology right. Outdoor sex should refer to sex outside of the confinement of a building, so having fun on an apartment's balcony is not outdoor sex in the strictest sense, but nevertheless, it's a tiny step away from pleasure in nature. Also, having sex in a public toilet has been categorized under Toilet Sex, although Car Sex does borderline outdoor, especially if it's moving on the road.

For most people, the fear of being caught in the act is what stopping them from having outdoor sex, but at the same time, it is exactly the excitement of being caught that thrill people into having outdoor sex. It took a decade plus before I let myself out to play.

The maiden trip happened a few months back. I was invited by a buddy to join another two of his buddies on a short trip to a waterfall in Hulu Langat. He explicitly mentioned that we were all required to wear thong. So I wore the only pair of thong that I have in my drawer, which was a pair of GMW in bright neon green, a gift by a buddy who got it as a gift. It took us an hour plus to get there, and a good 15 minutes or so to travel up until we reach the deserted part of the waterfall. As we track up the waterfall, we sees tons of people picnicking by the side, what amazed us was not the crowd but the fact that families would go on a picnic during a working weekday.

Once we reached the top and made sure that nobody was around, we put down our belongings and stripped down naked, all the while looking over the horizon to make sure that the coast remains clear. We were worried of being caught, so we decided to always have someone taking guard.

One would think that the sight of three men in thong ready to have fun will surely bring on reaction, but a dip into the pool of running cold water will likely release the build up of muscle tension. At the end, some light oral sex was performed, while one was penetrated in the bushes by the waterfall. Personally, the combination of weariness, cold running water, tiny bugs flying around, sands sticking on the body, wild dogs in the woods barking, falling branches and lurking evil spirits from local folklore, all made the experience less enjoyable. Would I go for outdoor sex again? Definitely, but not at a waterfall, that's one location I'll be crossing off permanently in my book.

Clarity

There are many a times, during and after, hooking up with someone that I asked myself "What the heck am I doing? Why am I doing this? Am I really this desperate? Horny? What has gotten into me? I should stop ridiculing myself this way." Such is the dilemma I put myself into. Actually, I have had such schizophrenia moment time and over again, yet I still find myself in the same pile of shit over and over again, for I never seem to learn from it. I guess I'm guilty of letting my cock act before my brain.

Ecclesiastes 1:9

Nowadays, gays hookup with strangers mostly through social media. Some get their fill of meat at sauna while some tries their luck in the gym shower. I am guilty of all three charges in declining order.

There was a time when I would laugh at the idea of me fooling around in the gym shower, but now I smirk at the thought. I confess that my sexual experiences varied but there are many things I have never tried. For one, I have never hook up with a random stranger on the street. I have heard stories of how two guys with brief eye contact walking up to each other and ends up in the toilet nearby with their cock out, sadly I have yet cross eye with any such guy. One likely reason is because I'm not friendly looking outwardly, although being tall and having a fast walking pace might be contributing factors too. But I don't doubt such stories, even though I am quite certain it wouldn't be happening on me anytime soon, I do try to walk slower nowadays and scan my surrounding more, hoping against hope to chance upon the fabled sex-a-first-sight. 

Except for those introduced during group activities, the almighty internet has always been my, and likely most men's main supplier. The internet has in a very short span of time nurtured in the Golden Era of Great Promiscuousness, where the first cardinal rule for achieving great promiscuousness sings, "o horny soul, behold! to see nothing is to hear no. be bold! there are plenty of other horny souls."

The second rule for achieving great promiscuousness says, size does matter! It is stated mathematically as F = ma, which states that the vector sum of the fuck force (F) on a bottom is equal to the mass of the cock (m) multiplied by the acceleration vector (a) of the cock. In layman's term, the intensity of a fuck is equal to how hard can your cock gets and how fast can you fuck. When velocity is controlled to remain constant, the mass of the cock will determine how much fuck force can be produced. Given that m = ρxHxWxL, where mass (m) equals to density (ρ) multiplied by height (H), width (W) length (L), in which density remain constant as every unit length of a cock contains the same amount cells, while height, width and length are the variables. Thus, the dimension of the cock and how well it measured up, becomes the one and only factor in determining how good the fuck was, ultimately reinforcing the notion that size does matter.

Ecclesiastes 1:9 The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.

Coupling couples

Players play by their own rules, among the many rules that I know of is "avoid couple because there will definitely be drama involved, sooner or later". That is wisdom passed down by players who have had their share of couples drama. But that being said, players do not deny that there are many fun things and perks to explore with couples too. Personally, I have yet to encounter couple drama too divalisious to handle.

The drama that ensues from couple is usually caused by envy, mainly being one is not happy that the other get more attention. There are times when one of them realized he has found a better match in bed then his current bf during that particular moment, so when he immerse himself in this new found sexual outlet, the other is definitely not taking things lightly. Things are likely to get complicated when the one enjoying himself is the one that is initially against opening up the relationship to play together. The fact that he finally accepted the direction of the relationship, and starting to learn to enjoy himself, makes the other person uneasy and to a certain degree, jealous. Such is the drama that might arise if you choose to play with couples, so be warned!

But on the other hand, a couple who knows how to make each other happy in bed can certainly spice up the threesome when they tag team together to handle you. Let just say that, in those rare moments, you'll even consider having a three sided relationship, hoping that the sex can continue to be thus good every single time.

I want you, but I don't need you

I fuck you, and I'd like you to like me to fuck you

But I don't fucking need you, don't need you to need me to fuck you
If you need me to need you to fuck, that fucks everything up

Momentum

Just because we meet someone online that seems compatible with each other, doesn't always means that it will translate into something substantial. Often I find that we need to ask the person out right there and then, for a drink, a date or just down right dirty fun, if we were to expect anything out of it. Else, with the momentum lost, all will be lost.

Unlike the good old days where msn is still around, we can drop by to say hi whenever we see the person online, because often, when we see another person on msn, it  means that the other guy is free. But nowadays with whatsapp or line, it's hard to tell if the person is busy with something or not. True, we can still say hi, but how disappointing it is when the person fails to reply or maybe decided to ignore the message instead. I know I have done that many a times, ignoring messages from online acquaintances.

Break a cherry

Do you remember the first time you get down and dirty with another man? I'm sure you do. Mine, well, it wasn't the most pleasant of experience. But I did redeem myself with a threesome on my second endeavor, so I guess I was even with myself.

My first sexual experience started right after I was over 18, for some reason that's the age when I allow myself to have a taste of men. Probably quite young for my age group, for I know people who have their first taste of man much later then me. But I also know that kids nowadays started way younger, too young for their own good I guess. Because by the age of 18, they have done it all.

Would I advice the younger generation to hold their first time for the person they love? Well... sex is over rated, but I have to admit, making love feels much better then having sex. Cherish it if you happen to chance upon it, else rampant sex can merely satisfy our primal urge, not that tingling sensation of love and lust collides.

Rendezvous in the gym

"Aren't you scared when you do it in the open?"
"That's part of the excitement."
"True, but imagine people finding out."
"Well, rest assure that it is not as big a secret as you think."
"You mean people are aware of you guys doing it there?"
"I think so. I think there might even be something similar happening next door."
"Wow... that's unimaginable to me."
"Once you've tried it, then you'll know that it's actually much more common then you think."
"Hmm..."

Many a stories I heard about people having sex in the gym shower. This has eluded me all these years, but finally I have a first hand experience. From what I have gathered, it starts in the steam room. People taking off their towel to sit on the bench, circumstantially exposing their soft tool. Then you'll see another person sitting or standing opposite, or parading around, adjusting their towel or what not. The braver one would just sit down and slowly edge their hand or leg towards the other person. And if the guy was not startled or react, then it probably means green to go.

Is it exciting? Indeed it can be so. Exciting as it is, but I do wonder, is it worth the risk?

Instant Sex

There was a word that was coined here in the country, 'Touch and Go' sex, in honor of our highway's notorious contactless toll system. It's the kind of sex that you meet, fuck, cum and go. The travel time for one person to get to the other person's place is probably longer than the coupling action itself. Eventhough I have my share of experience in this kind of speed sex, I find it unsettling as I questions myself, are both of us that horny? Or are we merely shy and at lost with words? Or is it really like, I don't fucking care, all I need is a fuck?

Gym Sauna

Of all the steamy stories I heard about the gym locker, I for one has never encounter any for the pass few years, until recently that is. My oh my, let me add that it is not once but twice. Talk about things coming in pair.

I come to realize that the reason why I never encounter this, is all due to timing. More specifically going to the gym at non peak hours. Back to the steamy story, what happened was there there was only two person in the sauna, and the other person walk around and flip his towel before me, showing the cock. In the first encounter it was erect, in the second it was not. Regardless, it takes me to reach out to grab the tool to initiate the whole action sequence, but i suspect that if I were to flash mine, it would probably resulted the same too.

Well, was it fun? I wouldn't deny the thrill of it. But would I go to gym just for that? Probably not, but if I were to go to the gym those weird hours, I guess I wouldn't mind being a bit naughty.

Journey to the Lostworld

It was 3 in the morning on a weekday, I was driving home and passed by the famous Lostworld. Eventhough I live quite near to it, the number of times I've been there can probably be counted by two hands. The last time I've been there, well, I don't really remember actually when I was there last. So feeling a bit adventurous, I made a detour into the carpark and to my surprise, there were actually people there still.

So I park my car and walked down. Didn't really travel far, was just walking at the car park and this guy stopped me at my track. He asked me to join him in his Lexus. He was actually quite insistent as he grab my hand. What's worse is that against my better judgement, I went into his car. Well, to my defense, I thought that since I have never experience this before, I might as well give it a try. Who knows, it might turn out great.

Well, nothing too erotic happened. He wanted to kiss me but I decline, mainly cause he contradict himself during our short conversation. He says he don't come here often, yet his action shows otherwise.Sometimes I wonder why people lie like this. Was it shame? Or do they think that by pretending to be innocent, they can get hookup easier. But really, nobody is new to all this nowadays, not even a 12 years old.

Afterwards we left his car and was walking in the carpark again. He was suggesting to hookup with another person for threesome, which again, contradicts his earlier statement of being new to all this. Anyway, as I decline him again, he tried to ask me to get into his car again, but seeing that I'm in open space, it's easier for me to escape. Who knows he might drive me somewhere and force me to rape him...

Around 4ish, I drove home tired. This adventure has been troubling to a certain extent. But at least I know that I wouldn't be feeling the same type of adventurous again anytime soon.

Been There, Done That, Messed Around

I saw this profile with the tagline, "looking for group fun. where can i get it?" and I thought to myself... hmm.. how did I get my first group fun? How many is consider a group anyway? Three or more than that? I think hard and I remember my first threesome, but the first time with more than three? Hmm... that seems to be straining my grey cells too much.

When people ask me about my sexual experience, I usually reply "been there, done that, messed around", which cover most conventional sexual experience plus a few less conventional one. Although there were some milestones yet to be achieved, but those are beyond acceptable for most people anyway. I am daring but sometimes it is best to wait for things to happen than to actively seek it out.

I guess when I look back at my short life, there were things that I do not need to regret over not doing.

Passed the Point of No Return

18 November 2009, a day to be remembered. On this day, I went on to end two over 5 years long relationships. First I quit my job, my first job that I have worked for the pass 6 years. It was a great job, but somehow I find myself reaching a bottle neck there. When you dread going to work, where there is no happiness in it, it is time to make a career change. Of course there are other factors involve such as my opinion on how the company functions and other trivial matters, but still, being unhappy at work was the major drive.

This sentiment has been there for quite awhile, and I have actually decided to quit since half a year ago but on my brother's advice, I delayed it until I find a new job, which I have still yet to. And then, it hits me, if I were to follow my instinct and quit a few months back, I would be a hell lot more different person now. Not necessary happier, might even be in desperation to find a new job, but at least then I would have a drive to do something. Now, I'm at a stagnant point where no matter what my boss asked me to do, I have no further interest then completing it. I thought that a paradigm shift would help me see new light in things, but it only makes me realize that it is not what I want. Contrary to what people think is best for me, when I myself does not feel the connection, all is in vain.

On the same night, I broke off with my bf. It was a sad thing for both of us. He loved me so much but our distance and the things that I have done, made me realize that I should be unselfishly selfish. One should be unselfish for others yet one should also be selfish for yourself. We have come to a stage that we are more family then lovers, which makes me feel strain. Somehow that is not what love should be.

So I decided to quit both and start anew. My boss tells me that she is happy that I have come to my senses and decided to change, and that I should make the best out of what I am having now and not start again from scratch. He also asked me why is it that when I decided to start my new life, I cannot include him in it. To that, I honestly say, I don't know. I guess it is just my weird perception towards life. The more I think about it, the more confusing it became, the less I want to think about it. In order to move on, I want to just cut it off and move on.

It's same like running a marathon. An hour into the run when I am tired and in pain, I ask myself why I subject myself to such torture. But by then I am already half way down the track, there is no turning back but keep on pressing forward until I reach the end. I no longer ask the question if it is right or wrong. All that matters that is keep on moving forward.