“The longer I’m in the circle, the harder for me to get a bf.”
“Why?”
“Because I know what I want and what I don’t want.”
“Shouldn’t that make getting a bf easier?”
“But I also know more about how this circle works and I am near to give up on this circle already.”
Sounds familiar? Or maybe it is déjà vu. But I seem to hear a lot of people expressing the same feeling about love in this circle. After all the rejection and betrayal that they have gone through, they realized that there are simply too many liars around, yet they still maintain the small perseverance that love will find them one day. True love that last forever.
I have quite a few friends that share this similar feeling but introducing them to each other will not spark any fire instead it seems to feed the flame of despair instead. They don’t seem to get off the right way. Why is it that when so many people are looking for true love yet not many of those people gets it? There are so many demand, yet there is no supply? Those who demand does not put themselves into the market yet expect to get something out of the near nonexistence market. They justified their action by saying that they know what they want, and they rather not have anything then to simply get something for the sake of getting something. End up nobody get anybody. Some say their time has not come yet, that fate has yet to lead them to the love of their life. I say go out and get what you want, waiting there for love is like waiting there to die. Pointless.
Why not take a leap of faith in love? Sure, there is the possibility of smashing onto the ground, but there is also the possibility of finding what you want. A fist cannot catch anything. Nobody can teach you how to learn from your experience and how to choose wisely. When you live long enough you know that people change when they want to change, no amount of coaxing can budge, maybe not in the hand of master handler but still how many can really claim to be a master handler. Open yourself to possibilities, the next man that come along might break or make your life, at least you get some drama out of it instead of boring yourself and the people around you to death by complaining endlessly about the lack of love.
From an age of innocence to a time of flagrant debauchery; from finding love to losing hope, this is the life journey of a Chinese gay guy born in KL, Malaysia where he tries to make sense of his homosexuality, his life and the world around him.
06 December 2006
23 November 2006
Strolling Gethesemane
“I have broken up with my girl friend.”
“Huh? I thought you guys were together since secondary school.”
“Yeah.”
“How long was it, 10 years? I was expecting you guys to get married soon.”
“Just 8 years.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing. That’s the problem. Nothing happened.”
And people say gay relationship does not last. But have they wondered that many straight relationship doesn’t last either. Some seemingly last but only because of their commitment to a piece of signed paper or children that came along the way, a mistake perhaps for not doing the proper prevention, which couldn’t be apply to us. Regardless, people separate. But no... somehow, gay relationships are not meant to be because it is the nature of gay people to not stay together. We gays just simply cannot constrain ourselves from stepping pass the threshold of commitment. It is the vicious cycle of this circle of betrayal and infidelity. What an exciting life we gays live, full of perils indeed.
What is it with gay people and commitment anyway? Why does it seem like it is something that we must hold on to? A good boyfriend, that is what most single gay man wished for their birthday, that is what they prayed for, that is what they longed for. So, you’ve finally got it. The best boyfriend you could ever ask for. What’s next? Marriage? Sure, you can get those too. What else then? What would last for the two of you for the remaining of your life? Adoption? Impregnate a lesbian couple? Or have you not think that far ahead into the future? Maybe you just want to live life a day at a time, enjoying the company of the man whom you love and loved you in return, and hope that it last and god forbids that it might expires one day. But when it does rot, you wonder why this so call gay life is so hard. Why is it so hard to find a good man? How could someone let go of a seemingly beautiful relationship? Why gay man betrays?
What the hell has it got to do with being gay? Because it happen more often in gay circle? Or maybe it is because you do not have enough straight friends? If you do not believe in love, say so in a general way. Do not discriminate gay people please. Blame you parents, blame the society, blame god but just don’t blame gay. That’s such a lousy excuse. If you really believe that gay life is such a treacherous journey, your should just turn back and go straight. Or, you could join the gang, fuck around, I mean, that’s what us unfaithful gays do best right? It’s a way of life full of gayness.
“Huh? I thought you guys were together since secondary school.”
“Yeah.”
“How long was it, 10 years? I was expecting you guys to get married soon.”
“Just 8 years.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing. That’s the problem. Nothing happened.”
And people say gay relationship does not last. But have they wondered that many straight relationship doesn’t last either. Some seemingly last but only because of their commitment to a piece of signed paper or children that came along the way, a mistake perhaps for not doing the proper prevention, which couldn’t be apply to us. Regardless, people separate. But no... somehow, gay relationships are not meant to be because it is the nature of gay people to not stay together. We gays just simply cannot constrain ourselves from stepping pass the threshold of commitment. It is the vicious cycle of this circle of betrayal and infidelity. What an exciting life we gays live, full of perils indeed.
What is it with gay people and commitment anyway? Why does it seem like it is something that we must hold on to? A good boyfriend, that is what most single gay man wished for their birthday, that is what they prayed for, that is what they longed for. So, you’ve finally got it. The best boyfriend you could ever ask for. What’s next? Marriage? Sure, you can get those too. What else then? What would last for the two of you for the remaining of your life? Adoption? Impregnate a lesbian couple? Or have you not think that far ahead into the future? Maybe you just want to live life a day at a time, enjoying the company of the man whom you love and loved you in return, and hope that it last and god forbids that it might expires one day. But when it does rot, you wonder why this so call gay life is so hard. Why is it so hard to find a good man? How could someone let go of a seemingly beautiful relationship? Why gay man betrays?
What the hell has it got to do with being gay? Because it happen more often in gay circle? Or maybe it is because you do not have enough straight friends? If you do not believe in love, say so in a general way. Do not discriminate gay people please. Blame you parents, blame the society, blame god but just don’t blame gay. That’s such a lousy excuse. If you really believe that gay life is such a treacherous journey, your should just turn back and go straight. Or, you could join the gang, fuck around, I mean, that’s what us unfaithful gays do best right? It’s a way of life full of gayness.
16 October 2006
Sadism and Masochism of Love
"I can't believe that you are giving me advice in love."
"Well, I have much more experience."
"Yeah, but all the wrong kind. How could you possibly tell me to have faith in love when you yourself does not?"
"I do have faith in love."
"If you do, you wouldn't be fooling around while attached."
"That's different."
"What? Hormonal imbalance induced slutness?"
A man who smokes heavily can tell you the danger of smoking yet he himself cannot quit. Similarly, a man who might not have faith in love can still advice you to have faith in love. Being a player does not mean he does not believe in love, just that he has yet to find it. The difference is that, he enjoys the train ride until it reaches its destination. He has not lose faith in love totally, just that it is so minute that it became irrelevant.
Contradict to popular belief, sound advice on love does not necessary come from someone who believe in love. Sometimes, it is those who play the love game that give better advice. Often, they do not ask you to break up or take revenge, instead they give you an insight onto why things is happening and leads you to forgiveness. Who better to decipher the act of betrayal then those who betrays. Betray is too harsh a word, maybe more along the line of indecisive yet compulsive actions.
But then again, that is what they must do. If everybody who was ever hurt will lose faith in love, how could they continue their cruel game of love? It is challenging to play with professional players but end of the day, it is those pure of heart that they prey upon. That's why players gives sound advice, so that one could fall head over toe again in love and get hurt by it all over it.
"Well, I have much more experience."
"Yeah, but all the wrong kind. How could you possibly tell me to have faith in love when you yourself does not?"
"I do have faith in love."
"If you do, you wouldn't be fooling around while attached."
"That's different."
"What? Hormonal imbalance induced slutness?"
A man who smokes heavily can tell you the danger of smoking yet he himself cannot quit. Similarly, a man who might not have faith in love can still advice you to have faith in love. Being a player does not mean he does not believe in love, just that he has yet to find it. The difference is that, he enjoys the train ride until it reaches its destination. He has not lose faith in love totally, just that it is so minute that it became irrelevant.
Contradict to popular belief, sound advice on love does not necessary come from someone who believe in love. Sometimes, it is those who play the love game that give better advice. Often, they do not ask you to break up or take revenge, instead they give you an insight onto why things is happening and leads you to forgiveness. Who better to decipher the act of betrayal then those who betrays. Betray is too harsh a word, maybe more along the line of indecisive yet compulsive actions.
But then again, that is what they must do. If everybody who was ever hurt will lose faith in love, how could they continue their cruel game of love? It is challenging to play with professional players but end of the day, it is those pure of heart that they prey upon. That's why players gives sound advice, so that one could fall head over toe again in love and get hurt by it all over it.
05 October 2006
Greed
"I am not sure how I should handle bf #2."
"What's the problem?"
"Well, he is attached with this guy for years now. But I just don't like the idea of him having another bf."
"Excuse me, you have 2 bfs yourself."
"Whatever, that's not the point."
"What the fuck... that's not the point?"
"I wonder if I should ask him to breakup with his current bf. Just to see how much he loves me."
"Would you if he ask you to do the same thing?"
"I don't know."
"And you expect an answer from him..."
The problem with people playing the love game, is that sometimes they became over ego in themselves. Just because they are able to handle two guys at the same time, they thought that they are invincible. Failing to realize that two can play the game. They demand to be serve the best in the most loyal fashion but they themselves refuse to act the same. Although it is unlikely that they will ever be faithful, else they would never play the game, but still they are constantly clouded by their own judgment of their worthiness.
One would thought that a man who could juggle a few relationship simultaneously would have a sharp mentality to balance it all. Some men really does balance it well, but most are just greedy. Wanting to have it all but unwilling to pay the price. There are always a price to pay for indulgence, and if you over swap your card then you have to be prepare to face the statement at the end of the month. And if things get out of hand, no one would really sympathize him.
ainable....
"What's the problem?"
"Well, he is attached with this guy for years now. But I just don't like the idea of him having another bf."
"Excuse me, you have 2 bfs yourself."
"Whatever, that's not the point."
"What the fuck... that's not the point?"
"I wonder if I should ask him to breakup with his current bf. Just to see how much he loves me."
"Would you if he ask you to do the same thing?"
"I don't know."
"And you expect an answer from him..."
The problem with people playing the love game, is that sometimes they became over ego in themselves. Just because they are able to handle two guys at the same time, they thought that they are invincible. Failing to realize that two can play the game. They demand to be serve the best in the most loyal fashion but they themselves refuse to act the same. Although it is unlikely that they will ever be faithful, else they would never play the game, but still they are constantly clouded by their own judgment of their worthiness.
One would thought that a man who could juggle a few relationship simultaneously would have a sharp mentality to balance it all. Some men really does balance it well, but most are just greedy. Wanting to have it all but unwilling to pay the price. There are always a price to pay for indulgence, and if you over swap your card then you have to be prepare to face the statement at the end of the month. And if things get out of hand, no one would really sympathize him.
ainable....
02 October 2006
Generation Gap
They said that age is a problem in a relationship. If there were a gap of over 3 years in age or more, it would probably not end well. It would mostly be due to mentality compatibility. The direction in life is different. The view of the world is different. The lifestyle is different. The method of spending money is different. Expectation for sex, experience in sex, the stamina to sex, the lust for sex. It's all at different level. Compare yourself to the you 5 years ago, you'll be amaze how much you have grown. If you found that you have miraculously remain the same for the pass 5 years, then it's high time you come out of denial...
When an older man decided to court a younger man, would it be fair to ask the younger male to remain loyal to him? Sure, at first glance, it sounds fair and reasonable that when you are attached, you should be loyal to your partner. But if that someone is 5 to 10 years younger, with very little experience in life, is it fair to demand such loyalty? Robbing them of their opportunity to experience this particular aspect in life. Of course, not many wanted to try rampant sex, but it is wholly on their own willingness and not something force onto them.
When an older man decided to court a younger man, would it be fair to ask the younger male to remain loyal to him? Sure, at first glance, it sounds fair and reasonable that when you are attached, you should be loyal to your partner. But if that someone is 5 to 10 years younger, with very little experience in life, is it fair to demand such loyalty? Robbing them of their opportunity to experience this particular aspect in life. Of course, not many wanted to try rampant sex, but it is wholly on their own willingness and not something force onto them.
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