Gay Homophobic

"Oh fuck!"
"Fuck."
"..."
"This is awkward. Did not expect to see you here."
"Nor do I. Didn't know you are gay."
"That's because I didn't tell anyone. But you! Don't tell me the breakoff made you gay!"
"It was part of the reason."
"Shit... what now."


The world has a wicked sense of humour indeed. Just when you thought that you have the circle more or less worked out, it throws you into another dizzy whirlpool again. A friend once said that all men are gay until proven straight. Just because someone has girlfriends or are married with children doesn't mean that they are not gay. I'm not sure how I felt on this particular subject because this basically means that all men are gay...

It is true that I am gay. It is true that I enjoy being gay. It is true that I like gay sex. It is true that I am not ashame of myself because I am gay, eventhough I am not totally out of the closet. Bottom line is, I am who I am. But when it comes to finding out that a close friend who was previously straight has became gay now, it doesn't seem to make me any happier. Somehow I became concerned that if being gay is the right choice for him. Knowing very well what this circle has to offer, I have the urge to stop him where he is. To scream at him and tell him that it is not good to be gay. That it is sinful. That it would be the source of his misery for the remainer of his life. Suddenly I became a gay homophobic! The oxymoron of my life.

I guess I can finally understand why there are homophobic in this world. Why some parents, friends or siblings cannot accept homosexual. Maybe it is this sudden revelation of identity that tip us off, making us unable to adjust accordingly, or at all in some case. I have this genuine pain to see a dear friend turn gay. Unexplainable even when I am gay myself. I guess it is one thing to be gay, but totally different thing to find someone you know who became gay. The shock are identical for both straight and gay.

I think slow exposure is the key of helping people around you to accept that you are gay. Unless you are flamboyantly gay, most gay seems to be quite straight in straight's eye. Maybe not so in old timer but that's experience related. Opening to someone who is totally unprepared can be a disaster indeed. Most of the coming out stories usually involve friends who suspect their orientation but are totally agreeable with the choice we made. It is a two part formula, missing one would render it chaotic. Coming out to a suspecting but non-accepting friend would result in gossip. Coming out to an accepting but non-suspecting friend would result in mental breakdown. It always seems to be the case. I guess starting from this year I would have to prep myself so that I assume all my male friend are possibly gay with the chance of coming out anytime, anywhere. No, not anywhere... The venue is important. There are some place or social gathering not meant for this kind of shock... No, I am not gonna tell you where, think about it, I think you'll know.

Points of Interest

Search and search I did, but find I did not the reason for getting into the Top 5 of the Point Charts in Axcest. Is there a hidden small print somewhere that states that by getting into the chart, we earn points that would allow us to redeem prizes or better yet a free date with the axcesticon?

Why do people get so obsess with this point thing? Does getting the first place guarantee prestige and well being? Or was it merely to fulfill our own vanity? The way I see it, it's more like a joke instead, that the same bunch of people are there all year long. It seems like we have nothing better to do but sit around clicking people for points.

Points are good. It can be use as an ice breaker to test people's willingness to communicate. A simple gesture, a simple click. But obviously some people are addicted to it and are turning it into a whole new ugly scenario instead.

I appreciate points, it makes logging in something to anticipate for. But when the same stranger pops up over and over again, it becomes annoying instead. So, please, refrain yourself o chart topper, I would much appreciate it.

No Regrets

I don't quite understand why some people, when they broke up, they would resort to ONS but then regret over it later. It is as if they are trying to immerse themselves in a sense of indulgence that could numb their pain from the failed relationship. But it never help. No satisfaction can ever be achieve by such people, not even the pleasure of orgasm. Wonder if they ever heard of exercising? Hitting the gym could help them sort things out while developing a toner body. Two birds with one stone, why not?

I'm a fervent believer that one should never ever regret over their decisions or actions. We could learn from our mistakes, but never regretting it. No point crying over spilled milk really. I guess some people are born into a certain characteristic, destined and influence by the distribution of celestial placement.

Say's Law

“The longer I’m in the circle, the harder for me to get a bf.”
“Why?”
“Because I know what I want and what I don’t want.”
“Shouldn’t that make getting a bf easier?”
“But I also know more about how this circle works and I am near to give up on this circle already.”

Sounds familiar? Or maybe it is déjà vu. But I seem to hear a lot of people expressing the same feeling about love in this circle. After all the rejection and betrayal that they have gone through, they realized that there are simply too many liars around, yet they still maintain the small perseverance that love will find them one day. True love that last forever.

I have quite a few friends that share this similar feeling but introducing them to each other will not spark any fire instead it seems to feed the flame of despair instead. They don’t seem to get off the right way. Why is it that when so many people are looking for true love yet not many of those people gets it? There are so many demand, yet there is no supply? Those who demand does not put themselves into the market yet expect to get something out of the near nonexistence market. They justified their action by saying that they know what they want, and they rather not have anything then to simply get something for the sake of getting something. End up nobody get anybody. Some say their time has not come yet, that fate has yet to lead them to the love of their life. I say go out and get what you want, waiting there for love is like waiting there to die. Pointless.

Why not take a leap of faith in love? Sure, there is the possibility of smashing onto the ground, but there is also the possibility of finding what you want. A fist cannot catch anything. Nobody can teach you how to learn from your experience and how to choose wisely. When you live long enough you know that people change when they want to change, no amount of coaxing can budge, maybe not in the hand of master handler but still how many can really claim to be a master handler. Open yourself to possibilities, the next man that come along might break or make your life, at least you get some drama out of it instead of boring yourself and the people around you to death by complaining endlessly about the lack of love.

Strolling Gethesemane

“I have broken up with my girl friend.”
“Huh? I thought you guys were together since secondary school.”
“Yeah.”
“How long was it, 10 years? I was expecting you guys to get married soon.”
“Just 8 years.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing. That’s the problem. Nothing happened.”

And people say gay relationship does not last. But have they wondered that many straight relationship doesn’t last either. Some seemingly last but only because of their commitment to a piece of signed paper or children that came along the way, a mistake perhaps for not doing the proper prevention, which couldn’t be apply to us. Regardless, people separate. But no... somehow, gay relationships are not meant to be because it is the nature of gay people to not stay together. We gays just simply cannot constrain ourselves from stepping pass the threshold of commitment. It is the vicious cycle of this circle of betrayal and infidelity. What an exciting life we gays live, full of perils indeed.

What is it with gay people and commitment anyway? Why does it seem like it is something that we must hold on to? A good boyfriend, that is what most single gay man wished for their birthday, that is what they prayed for, that is what they longed for. So, you’ve finally got it. The best boyfriend you could ever ask for. What’s next? Marriage? Sure, you can get those too. What else then? What would last for the two of you for the remaining of your life? Adoption? Impregnate a lesbian couple? Or have you not think that far ahead into the future? Maybe you just want to live life a day at a time, enjoying the company of the man whom you love and loved you in return, and hope that it last and god forbids that it might expires one day. But when it does rot, you wonder why this so call gay life is so hard. Why is it so hard to find a good man? How could someone let go of a seemingly beautiful relationship? Why gay man betrays?

What the hell has it got to do with being gay? Because it happen more often in gay circle? Or maybe it is because you do not have enough straight friends? If you do not believe in love, say so in a general way. Do not discriminate gay people please. Blame you parents, blame the society, blame god but just don’t blame gay. That’s such a lousy excuse. If you really believe that gay life is such a treacherous journey, your should just turn back and go straight. Or, you could join the gang, fuck around, I mean, that’s what us unfaithful gays do best right? It’s a way of life full of gayness.