Lesser of two evils

"When you are in a relationship as long as mine, you tend to lose interest of having sex with your partner and seek thrill outside."
"Does he knows?"
"I guess, but it was never discussed."
"Guess he must love you very much to tolerate this then."
"Ya."

Some might spit on this kind of person, those that seek sex outside of their relationship and wanting their partner to tolerate it. But you would be surprise on the numbers of couples that experience the same thing, merely for the continual of a relationship. It is not just gay relationship, similar things happens to straight relationship too. When was the last time you think your parents had sex? It’s just how a relationship grows into and how one choose to cope with it.

Why would people subject themselves to such torment? Could it be because they are tired of starting all over again in a relationship? If you are 18, you can afford to try again and again. But when you have tried so many times, failing so many times, reaching an age which the circle deems obsolete, you start to understand that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. It is often as good as it gets, and one need to know when to be satisfied with what one have and not dreaming for the impossible. For if you let it go, it might never come back again and that whatever follows might be worse then the previous one. End of the day, one become bitter. To quote a friend, you don’t marry the man you love, you learn to love the man you married.

Which is harder to come by, love or sex? We all knew the answer. But if one finds out that the person one love had sex with other people, one would without hesitation break out with the person out of spite and jealousy. You wonder why he could do such thing eventhough you know yourself that the sex was not as it was. Can you really blame him when the lust of each other’s body has dwindled? You can celibate, why can’t he? He can have sex with others, why can’t you? It’s an argument that goes nowhere.

Maybe if one is honest with their partner, it would solve the problem. No, it wouldn’t. Some things are not meant to be put on the table. You might know that you partner is having sex with someone else, but there is no comfort in knowing the truth. Ignorance is bliss. Why fool yourself? Because truth hurts more. If the truth spills out, can you afford to breakup the relationship and start all over again? Do you think you have another 5 years to cultivate what you have now? Are you sure that you would prefer not having anyone then to have an unfaithful someone eventhough it was just a fling? You sure you want to grow old alone? This said, do you still want to know the truth?

Elizabethtown

It’s been awhile since I last properly sit down in front of the TV to watch a whole movie. I guess the lifestyle I have now are taking a toll of its own share. Elizabethtown stars Orlando Bloom. Someone to drool over endlessly. But goodlooking aside, the movie itself gives me some insight on life. I came upon it by chance while channel surfing and website hopping on a bored Friday night.

The movie begins with the encounter of Kirsten Dunst with Orlando Bloom on a flight and it develops into a relationship. Seeing how it all fall into place, one just can’t help but wonder if similar thing would happen in real life. It’s so hollywood that one could only ridiculed oneself into believing it. But if you think about it and reduce the dimension to suit our daily life, could it not happen? Every encounter with a stranger could develop into something if the circumstances allows it and one take hold of the chance.

Sometimes I wonder why so many people who wanted to be in a relationship fails to find it. I think it’s because that they are trying too hard. When you try too hard, you develop a certain ideas about how your partner should act, and that is often what breaks the relationship. From what I have noticed, a lasting relationship usually begins with something much simpler. Both party actually does not want to be in a relationship with the other on that moment. Some might even hate their current partner then but learn to love him later. Those are the successful examples around me. I don’t define successful as happily ever after, but a relationship that continues to grow strong and even when ended leave no regrets.

Life is a bitch and that’s just how things goes, the more you want it the more you are not going to get it.

众里寻他千百度。蓦然回首，那人却在，灯火阑珊处。

We are just substitute people, that’s what Kirsten Dunst said in the movie. Substitute people are impossible to forget but hard to remember. They have less pressure. That’s sounds like an ideal relationship for me. To be substituting for someone else, but without the pressure for being that someone.

Substitute people don’t have happily ever after, their ending are unpredictable, but one thing for sure, their whole procession is filled with amazing experiences. Hmm... exactly motto in life.

Regrettably so

I think I discriminated a fellow gay today in a chatroom today, though in my defence I think it was a mild one, the silent treatment I would call it. Anyway, was not totally happy about it but somehow it just came easily when the situation arise.

Gay are superficial. If someone where good looking with a great body, he would probably not make new friends with someone below his par regardless of how sincere he said he was about friendship. Does he really need a new friend that is not good looking and are of no sexual appeal to him? Does he really need another friend in the first place? Just think of what you yourself would do in the same circumstances. If that person is deem below par by you, would you really want to get to know him better? Some people might argue that they have friends that are not as good looking as themselves, but in this case I am not talking about normal person. I am referring to the group of people that most of the society discriminate upon, which was magnified in this circle. Whether it be chub, feminine, mature. If you are within the distribution of normal to above par, would you really want to befriend someone from below par when he approach you? Unless there is a particular fetish, most would do just as I said. I am not saying that it is something pretty or to agree upon, it's just that things are how it is. It's not wrong, it's just that most of us can't accept it.

The way I see it, gay would probably be accepted by the world in the future. But discrimination within the circle will never cease to exist at all. If it does, well, gays wouldn't be gays.

Party and Play

Seems that it is a common practice among gays nowadays to party and play. Like everything else that you are not suppose to do, people do it not only for the fun of it but because of the thrill of doing something that you are not suppose to do. It is like the apple that was not meant to be eaten, it taste all the more delicious. Regardless of their background, education level and social status, people just do it.

Somehow gay tends to do it more often. A friend commented, "I'm gay and the society already does not accept me, so why not one more thing that it doesn't?" But is that a valid reason? Blaming of being gay, that's ridiculous. Should a person simply be summed up base on their sexual orientation? That's not fair. There are alot more to me then just being gay. We all know that, but if you yourself does not value yourself, who else would?

I do not deny that it was an enjoyable experience. But like everything else in the world, it is a pro and con equilibrium. You win some and you lose some. Simply because it is dangerous doesn't mean one cannot do it. A lot of things is dangerous. Smoking is dangerous. Drinking is dangerous. Speeding is dangerous. Even walking out to the street is dangerous. Even staying in door is dangerous too. So many things can happen that is dangerous. If it is meant to happen, no amount of prevention can stop it. Yet, consciously submitting yourself to possible complication are something that should be weighted out. One should always know the risk. I don't believe in right and wrong. I believe in deciding and accepting the outcome. If you have the nerve to do it, then you better have the guts to accept it. But that's on personal level, which I think is the important level. But then there are always those pesky people that disagrees with whatever we did. Just ignores them, the easiet thing to do.

Ei elämästä selviä hengissä

Somehow the older you are, the less confuse you became about gay relationship. If you look at all the posts in axcest, you'll realized that it is the young people that declares their undying love, curse their unfaithful lover, cries out for their lover-to-be or make a dirty scene out of the whole thing, mostly. Older chap tends to laugh at it like sitcoms, wondering how much a fool they would make of themselves. It might sounds cruel but really, when you have witness enough drama in the circle, you tend to become numb and consider any love tantrum childish. I wonder if it is sad or just taking in the reality, somehow as gay, the older you are, the less fantasy you have about love.

Love is merely a shadow of what it was. We tend to be satisfied with good companionship instead of a loving life partner. Maybe once in awhile we will dream of that perfect guy that may or may not we met before, but like a bubble it burst and we return to our daily hectic life that revolves around constant dieting, gym and facial treatment. Being old and not having a good body in this circle usually spells death for your sex life, unless you become a bottom and are willing to endure peculiar fetishes... Or unless you are able to tell yourself that sex no longer appeals to you, there are much more interesting things to do in life then shagging...

In this case, wisdom does comes in time...