年年难过年年过

女友呢？几时结婚？每年过年必问的问题。以前敷衍的回一两句就行了，什么没有事业啦，还没玩够啦。但人过三十而立，真的有点难敷衍了事。幸亏家族中尚有未娶男在上，还能推三拉四讲一些有的没的。其实事前的铺排是满重要的，这里一个雾里探花，那里一式顺水推舟，再来个潜龙勿用，逃之夭夭。看见表弟表妹个个人高马大，自己甚至已荣升叔叔舅舅，真的不能不感叹岁月不留人。看来真的要考虑换一份过年都不得空的工作才行了。

有时会想老了都不知道要怎样好。老来无依靠，真的恐怖到不敢去想太遥远的可能。而且现在想到说要努力存钱来养老就发毛起来了。虽然同志也可以有个老伴过活，但世事难测，谁又能肯定那未来呢。但可以肯定的是，没有家人照顾的老人家确实可悲。再说我们的文化都感叹无子送终万般可怜。虽然说有些人就算有子女也是一样没人送那最后一程，但那可能是他自身的可悲和遗憾，但是我自觉我对人对事都对得起天地良心只是我喜欢男人而已，奈何我也一样坎坷呢。虽然我有家人，也有人遗传了和我若般的血缘，但那毕竟不是自己的，究竟人类的本职就是传宗接代呀。没有了后代，自己死后又有谁会记得我呢？

古埃及人相信如果死后他们的名字被念出来，那么他们就能在后世活过来。撇开那后世的真实性不讲，其实如果他们的名字被念出，被记得，那么不就表示他们在别人的脑海里活着，我想这跟他们向往的后世应该伯仲之间吧。如果死了也不被缅怀，死了被遗忘掉，那大概跟没活过一样吧。讲起来很可悲，感觉又有点牵强，但自己好象满认同的。圣严法师的临终开示：无事忙中老，空里有哭笑，本来没有我，生死皆可抛。看了多少有点感触但回过头来想，谈何容易啊。虽然圣严法师本意要劝导世人但能参悟的人又有多少个呢？酸葡萄心理作祟，他老人家已经到达那不被遗忘的境界，当然能够这么潇洒。

王梵志说城外土馒头，馅草在城里。一人吃一个，莫嫌没滋味。劳劳碌碌也不过一死。如果可以的话很希望在不知道什么原因的情况之下死去。一了百了。虽然说还有很多的事情想要去做，可能会对生命的短暂抱有遗憾，但如果是突发的话应该就没有什么机会去遗憾吧。

一切有为法，如梦幻泡影，如露复如电，应作如是观。还是不要想太多，活在当下就好。

You Are Funny

You are funny.

I get that a lot from people. Often, I don't know whether they meant "the last comic standing" funny or "what's wrong with you" kind of funny. Before this I thought that humor is one of my better attributes, and then I was introduced to the word sarcastic, and suddenly everything makes better sense.

Once, someone asked me if I was deliberately picking a fight with him because I disagree with everything he said. I denied then but now I'm incline to agree instead. Yes, I argue for the sake of argument. Nothing like a good conversation then agreeing to disagree.

一个人过日子

"圣诞和新年你都一个人，你不觉得寂寞吗?"
"不会啊。"
"你不会想你男友在身边吗?"
"习惯了。"
"他呢?"
"他也没法子啊,逆来顺受。"
"好可怜也。"

有些人希望他的男友天天在身旁，一起晚餐，每晚搂在一起睡，每个假日一起走街看戏，一起渡过生日，圣诞，新年和所有的节日。对他们来说这就是在一起的幸福。有些人却不以为然，只因他们已经习惯了一个人过日子。就算是有了男友，他们依然享受独自过日子，所以他们选择了那似有似无的爱情，那能让他们拥有爱情但却不牺牲他们的自由的爱情。可恨又自私的人吗？对他们来说爱情的本貌就是如此啊，所以他们拥有了爱情和自由。很多事情并非对与错，黑与白，往往是朦胧的灰。

Pots & Kettles

"Would you have sex with your best friend?"
"Ew, no. He is like brother. That's incest."
"Would you have sex with your best friend's boyfriend?"
"That is so wrong. I'll kick his balls if he dares to ask."
"Would you have sex with Keanu Reeve?"
"I can consider him, but he is a bit old. But Shayne Ward, now he is hot."
"If your best friend or his boyfriend is Shayne Ward, would you have sex with him?"
"..."

The only reason one gay man do not have sex with another man is because he is not sexually appealing. It's not because he is straight, or because he is a close friend, or that he is attached. The plain fact is that he does not stir your groin. There might be a slight difference between thinking about it and actually doing it, but that difference only matters if you are attached. Even so, why think so highly of yourself?

Gluttony for Pain

I chanced upon a particular website that caters to a very specific group of sexual interest, that which was bondage/discipline. It was an eye opener. I have of course seen porns involving similar subjects but to see amateur pictures of people bounded, gagged and caged, it sends a different kind of testosterone rush into the body. Try as I to immerse myself into this subculture, I found myself unable to adjust to it after reading on what members wrote on their profile. From what I have gathered, sex is not the main object of their endeavor, contrary to the common believe that gays are sex maniac. It can be part of the whole bondage ritual, yet it is the bondage that matters to them. As one guy aptly put it, you can find sex everywhere else but this is not what he signed up for.

What amazed me was the amount of trust one puts in his partner, a trust even beyond those of lovers, called Master & Slave. A name that sounds so barbaric, yet widely accepted. Imagined yourself being bounded and gagged, being helpless and defenseless. It totally goes against a human's natural instinct to protect themselves. I do admit that there was a primordial satisfaction to see someone submit themselves in such manner, but what of those who were lying there bounded? Do there feel calm as those who submit themselves to God? Or does it fire up their libido? I was left puzzled. I guess one needs to go through the whole ritual in order to appreciate it. To feel the euphoria of constrained and control.

But as I venture deeper into the realm of bondage, I was introduced to the reality of fisting, which send shiver up and down my spine every time a profile showed an image of someone being fisted. An asshole, literally, I have experience with, but to have a frontal view of a human rectum through his fully opened anus, that image haunts me still. Anal sex is shining in a different light right now.

Oh, and there are actually quite a following in Malaysia for this when Asia is compared as a whole. A few are all geared up to send those willing on a trip of gluttony for pain and constrain.