Elizabethtown

It’s been awhile since I last properly sit down in front of the TV to watch a whole movie. I guess the lifestyle I have now are taking a toll of its own share. Elizabethtown stars Orlando Bloom. Someone to drool over endlessly. But goodlooking aside, the movie itself gives me some insight on life. I came upon it by chance while channel surfing and website hopping on a bored Friday night.

The movie begins with the encounter of Kirsten Dunst with Orlando Bloom on a flight and it develops into a relationship. Seeing how it all fall into place, one just can’t help but wonder if similar thing would happen in real life. It’s so hollywood that one could only ridiculed oneself into believing it. But if you think about it and reduce the dimension to suit our daily life, could it not happen? Every encounter with a stranger could develop into something if the circumstances allows it and one take hold of the chance.

Sometimes I wonder why so many people who wanted to be in a relationship fails to find it. I think it’s because that they are trying too hard. When you try too hard, you develop a certain ideas about how your partner should act, and that is often what breaks the relationship. From what I have noticed, a lasting relationship usually begins with something much simpler. Both party actually does not want to be in a relationship with the other on that moment. Some might even hate their current partner then but learn to love him later. Those are the successful examples around me. I don’t define successful as happily ever after, but a relationship that continues to grow strong and even when ended leave no regrets.

Life is a bitch and that’s just how things goes, the more you want it the more you are not going to get it.

众里寻他千百度。蓦然回首，那人却在，灯火阑珊处。

We are just substitute people, that’s what Kirsten Dunst said in the movie. Substitute people are impossible to forget but hard to remember. They have less pressure. That’s sounds like an ideal relationship for me. To be substituting for someone else, but without the pressure for being that someone.

Substitute people don’t have happily ever after, their ending are unpredictable, but one thing for sure, their whole procession is filled with amazing experiences. Hmm... exactly motto in life.

Regrettably so

I think I discriminated a fellow gay today in a chatroom today, though in my defence I think it was a mild one, the silent treatment I would call it. Anyway, was not totally happy about it but somehow it just came easily when the situation arise.

Gay are superficial. If someone where good looking with a great body, he would probably not make new friends with someone below his par regardless of how sincere he said he was about friendship. Does he really need a new friend that is not good looking and are of no sexual appeal to him? Does he really need another friend in the first place? Just think of what you yourself would do in the same circumstances. If that person is deem below par by you, would you really want to get to know him better? Some people might argue that they have friends that are not as good looking as themselves, but in this case I am not talking about normal person. I am referring to the group of people that most of the society discriminate upon, which was magnified in this circle. Whether it be chub, feminine, mature. If you are within the distribution of normal to above par, would you really want to befriend someone from below par when he approach you? Unless there is a particular fetish, most would do just as I said. I am not saying that it is something pretty or to agree upon, it's just that things are how it is. It's not wrong, it's just that most of us can't accept it.

The way I see it, gay would probably be accepted by the world in the future. But discrimination within the circle will never cease to exist at all. If it does, well, gays wouldn't be gays.

Party and Play

Seems that it is a common practice among gays nowadays to party and play. Like everything else that you are not suppose to do, people do it not only for the fun of it but because of the thrill of doing something that you are not suppose to do. It is like the apple that was not meant to be eaten, it taste all the more delicious. Regardless of their background, education level and social status, people just do it.

Somehow gay tends to do it more often. A friend commented, "I'm gay and the society already does not accept me, so why not one more thing that it doesn't?" But is that a valid reason? Blaming of being gay, that's ridiculous. Should a person simply be summed up base on their sexual orientation? That's not fair. There are alot more to me then just being gay. We all know that, but if you yourself does not value yourself, who else would?

I do not deny that it was an enjoyable experience. But like everything else in the world, it is a pro and con equilibrium. You win some and you lose some. Simply because it is dangerous doesn't mean one cannot do it. A lot of things is dangerous. Smoking is dangerous. Drinking is dangerous. Speeding is dangerous. Even walking out to the street is dangerous. Even staying in door is dangerous too. So many things can happen that is dangerous. If it is meant to happen, no amount of prevention can stop it. Yet, consciously submitting yourself to possible complication are something that should be weighted out. One should always know the risk. I don't believe in right and wrong. I believe in deciding and accepting the outcome. If you have the nerve to do it, then you better have the guts to accept it. But that's on personal level, which I think is the important level. But then there are always those pesky people that disagrees with whatever we did. Just ignores them, the easiet thing to do.

Ei elämästä selviä hengissä

Somehow the older you are, the less confuse you became about gay relationship. If you look at all the posts in axcest, you'll realized that it is the young people that declares their undying love, curse their unfaithful lover, cries out for their lover-to-be or make a dirty scene out of the whole thing, mostly. Older chap tends to laugh at it like sitcoms, wondering how much a fool they would make of themselves. It might sounds cruel but really, when you have witness enough drama in the circle, you tend to become numb and consider any love tantrum childish. I wonder if it is sad or just taking in the reality, somehow as gay, the older you are, the less fantasy you have about love.

Love is merely a shadow of what it was. We tend to be satisfied with good companionship instead of a loving life partner. Maybe once in awhile we will dream of that perfect guy that may or may not we met before, but like a bubble it burst and we return to our daily hectic life that revolves around constant dieting, gym and facial treatment. Being old and not having a good body in this circle usually spells death for your sex life, unless you become a bottom and are willing to endure peculiar fetishes... Or unless you are able to tell yourself that sex no longer appeals to you, there are much more interesting things to do in life then shagging...

In this case, wisdom does comes in time...

Gay Homophobic

"Oh fuck!"
"Fuck."
"..."
"This is awkward. Did not expect to see you here."
"Nor do I. Didn't know you are gay."
"That's because I didn't tell anyone. But you! Don't tell me the breakoff made you gay!"
"It was part of the reason."
"Shit... what now."


The world has a wicked sense of humour indeed. Just when you thought that you have the circle more or less worked out, it throws you into another dizzy whirlpool again. A friend once said that all men are gay until proven straight. Just because someone has girlfriends or are married with children doesn't mean that they are not gay. I'm not sure how I felt on this particular subject because this basically means that all men are gay...

It is true that I am gay. It is true that I enjoy being gay. It is true that I like gay sex. It is true that I am not ashame of myself because I am gay, eventhough I am not totally out of the closet. Bottom line is, I am who I am. But when it comes to finding out that a close friend who was previously straight has became gay now, it doesn't seem to make me any happier. Somehow I became concerned that if being gay is the right choice for him. Knowing very well what this circle has to offer, I have the urge to stop him where he is. To scream at him and tell him that it is not good to be gay. That it is sinful. That it would be the source of his misery for the remainer of his life. Suddenly I became a gay homophobic! The oxymoron of my life.

I guess I can finally understand why there are homophobic in this world. Why some parents, friends or siblings cannot accept homosexual. Maybe it is this sudden revelation of identity that tip us off, making us unable to adjust accordingly, or at all in some case. I have this genuine pain to see a dear friend turn gay. Unexplainable even when I am gay myself. I guess it is one thing to be gay, but totally different thing to find someone you know who became gay. The shock are identical for both straight and gay.

I think slow exposure is the key of helping people around you to accept that you are gay. Unless you are flamboyantly gay, most gay seems to be quite straight in straight's eye. Maybe not so in old timer but that's experience related. Opening to someone who is totally unprepared can be a disaster indeed. Most of the coming out stories usually involve friends who suspect their orientation but are totally agreeable with the choice we made. It is a two part formula, missing one would render it chaotic. Coming out to a suspecting but non-accepting friend would result in gossip. Coming out to an accepting but non-suspecting friend would result in mental breakdown. It always seems to be the case. I guess starting from this year I would have to prep myself so that I assume all my male friend are possibly gay with the chance of coming out anytime, anywhere. No, not anywhere... The venue is important. There are some place or social gathering not meant for this kind of shock... No, I am not gonna tell you where, think about it, I think you'll know.