悲与樂

悲傷很難感同身受，
快樂的分享總是一閃而逝，
人生只是一場場告別。。。
<剑来>

怨歲月

歲月啊
你灌溉的是悲哀與絕望
你催著生命開出青春的花卉
又迫使生活結出精彩的果實
但卻只讓花果短暫的綻放
我還沒來得及聞花的清香
嘗果的酸甜
花果就已沖沖地凋落

Infidelity

The thing about infidelity is that you are not suppose to do it, but in the event that it happened, it is your responsibility to ensure that your partner never find out about it, not even to suspect you of it. Honesty is the foundation of any relationship, but if you have cheated, then maintain innocent by lying like it's the truth. Which hurt most? You cheating or you honest about you cheating? Both hurts equally.

A Matter of Trust

"How could you betray me? I invited you! And what did you do afterwards? Both of you went behind my back to play without me. Why?"
"You were not free that day and we don't want you to feel jealous or left out, so we decided to keep mum."
"Please, regardless of whether I'm free or not, you guys would still do it without telling me."
"No, of course not. We will definitely tell you if you are free."
"That's not the point. The point is, he and me are together. Both of you are not suppose to plan this sort of things!"

Trust has always been a critical issue in any gay relationship. Infidelity is always around the corner. But how could it not be so when most gay relationship blossom from the seed of lust. When one meets the other through hookup, regardless if it's one to one or group, we should know very well that both has developed a pallette for assorted men. And yet we are surprised that they will not remain monogamous.

Granted, they are those who succeed in braving through the sea of raging sexual hormone, but those are rare. Even among these rare few, are those who can keep a secret very well.

As Mark Twain puts it, if you don't mind, it doesn't matter. Thus, if you don't mind inviting your friend to have sex with your boyfriend, then it should not matter if your friend had sex with your boyfriend without you, because likely you will have sex with your friend without your  boyfriend. Hypocrisy? Double standard? No, it's justification to right our actions and to rebuke  those who wronged us.

Pot & Kettle

Browsing through Grindr, one would surely notice the numbers of MB quadrupled especially around KL area. It is widely acknowledged that the pics of MBs are greatly edited. Many have complaint that the actual person is far from what the picture depicts. But if you think about it, that's advertising in general. So why are people surprised? Do people really expect to pay mere hundred for someone with the perfect face, a chiseled body, a rock hard tool and exemplary service that is to die for?

Someone I once met criticise that it is unethical of these MBs to market themselves in such pretense, and went on and on about never being that cheap as to get a call boy. I kept quiet and listen to his grumbling, but deep down, a tiny voice retorts sarcastically, "Hello, not like you look like your picture. That pic you showed me is at an angle and likely to be a decade old when you have seen better days. I'm sure you are not as young as you said you are. If you are, good lord, have you not heard of skin care, dude,  at least pop some vitamins. Or drink water if you can't afford vitamins. And you expect to hook up, oh gosh, why why why, why I never trust my own instinct. Damn, am I that desperate? Fuck, is he still yapping about his sexual experience? Oh, no, did he just touch me and left his hand on my arm. I should wiggle away. Why the fuck did I agree to meet at his place? Ok ok, let's just close my eyes and be done with this."

The pot calling the kettle black, and wished that I could knock myself senseless first, then back to my senses again, with both pot and kettle.

We never learn, do we?

Of being homophobic

When USA announced the equal right of marriage, my FB was flooded by the pride rainbow. People post and repost about their opinions on gay marriage, about being gay and how it is going to change the world. A friend asked why do I not rejoice in that, to him I answered, "What the fuck does it got to do with me? Not like we are legalising gay marriage here. Beside, US is not the first country to legalise gay marriage. All the hoohaa simply because US has better media coverage."

The exchange of argument between gay marriage supporters and haters mostly revolve around the will of God, the laws of nature and the society norm. The same old pointless debate that ultimately question the existence of a Maker.

And then there were friends that posted, "I have nothing against gay, but I just don't think god/nature meant for two men to marry/i do not want it happening around me". I wanted to say to them, "It is alright to be homophobic. Just like it is alright to have malicious thoughts, suicidal intention, wet dreams, crave for cigarettes and whatever. If you stand behind it, by all means do, nobody should be blame for that. The fact is that the statement is down right homophobic and the sad thing is, people who said so are not even aware of it. Ignorance is a blister not a bliss.

Darkness in Paradise

We are all conscious of our looks, especially in this superficial circle. The unfortunate looking tries to hide it, the common looking tries their luck while the good looking gets their pick, that's what I always presume. But one good looking chinese guy shifted my view slightly, and I chance upon a sneak peak into the darkness in paradise. Although being good looking and well endowed, when it comes to random hookup, he needs to assure people that he is not doing it for money, even though many would pay for his body. It comes as a surprise to me that normal good looking man are troubled for being mistaken of selling their body. Mayhap you know him, mayhap you have bedded him, mayhap it's you I'm writing bout. Mayhap not.

Scrapheap

It often happens this way, a few hours into the session, both person started to play with their phone and it was somehow mutually agreed without discussion, that a third guy is needed to spice things up. As there will always be some horny guy still awake in the wee hour of Saturday wanting to get lucky, it would usually be quickly arranged to kick start the party again. That is where this hook up story begins.

Woken by the sound of the messages at 3am, I know that it was obviously an invite to join a session from some of my acquaintances. True enough, it was from someone familiar. Though feeling sleepy, my sexual urges overcome my common sense and I find myself driving nearly an hour to the party location. My friend told me that he will be leaving early in the morning, so I naturally tries to let him have his way with the host. But somehow, the flame of lust fails to sustain the two men in heat, and a fourth guy was invited over. Since things didn't happen between the host and the friend, naturally I was designated to the host while the friend mingle with the fourth guy.

But at the time when the friend needs to leave, I was told that nothing happens between them during that whole time. Though no reason were disclose, I suspect it has to do with compatibility issues. In the morning, I have a feeling that the friend actually wanted to stay over, but the host nonchalantly reminded the friend that he needs to leave to attend to his errands. Right that moment, I caught a glimpse of dissatisfaction in the friends face at the corner of my eyes. He quietly pack and left. The fourth guy left soon after, though we did manage to catch some action. After that, it was just me and the host until 6pm. I clocked 14 hours for this session, with some serious humping involved.

I'm not sure if the friend is angry at me or not because he didn't message me afterwards. Still, I don't think that I should be blamed, even though I probably played a huge part in the whole session falling apart, but the way to The Great Promiscuousnes are paved with uneven rocks of sharp edges and slippery surface, all who seek it must embrace bruises and cut.

You only learn

I vow to love you more from now on
to fall in love with you madly as the seconds goes by
only to find that I learn to love too late
that this love will be in vain.

You only learn how to live when you can no longer live;

You only learn how to love when you can no longer love;

Why is it that we only learn when it is too late to learn?

What be thy name?

A friend that is still in the closet has the habit of separating his gay friends from his straight friends. He has at least two different phone numbers, one straight, one gay. This is all fine as long as he keeps track of which phone is which. He also has several names that he goes by, base on which name you know him by, you are classified either as straight, gay or fuck buddies. In addition, he also have separate Facebook accounts, one to get in touch with his straight friends, one to connect with his non-straight pals. Things seems to work well until he reaches the 6th degree of separation, where a straight friend who knows one of his gay friend came across his other fb account and asked him about it, causing him to hastily delete the account.

Personally I have never find the need for a different name. The way I see it is, if we are only meeting once for fun, my real name is as good as a fake one; but if we are meeting more than that, it would save me the trouble of a second self introduction. But hey, who am I to judge what rocks your boat? Just as I don't need others rocking mine. There is really no right or wrong in this matter.

With a Vengeance

With the boom of social media, the dynamics of gay interactions evolved. Many a thing once deem taboo even by gays are now generally accepted, like... hmm... come to think about it... is there even any taboo for gays? Anyway, my point being, gay interactions in this digital age has intensified greatly. People are losing their virginity sooner, trying out all sorts of sexual practices and of course quadrupled the chance of getting to know people who share similar fascination towards the male body. It not only opens up our world, it also taught us vital skills in life, namely the art of rejection.

In this day and age, we have all our fair share of being rejected and rejecting others. We all have had doors slammed in the face at hello, be it slammer or slammed. Though rejection is never an enjoyable vibe, we all learned to accept it, because the rule of the universe dictates "as you choose, you are chosen upon too". It's a fair world; if you want to get that cute, handsome and built man, make sure you are equally cute, handsome and built. Simple logic.

That being said, rejection can be a driving force too. We have all heard stories of people losing tremendous weight or gaining ripping muscle to become an adonis. We naturally assume that these hunks get all the good meat in the circle, which I have yet to conclude, seeing that their path and mine don't cross. As to how and if rejection does keeps one motivated, I guess it very much depends on individual.

But there is one thing about rejection that we all share, that is the sense of achievement when we are accepted by those who once rejected us. Especially in the case of hooking up, it feels great when you finally get under the pants of those who once rejected you; and the session ends with a mental note for yourself "reject me, see where I get you now, ha!". The sense of accomplishment can be so overwhelming that some consider it their trophy moment and can't wait to share it with others. Lets face it, even though kiss-and-tell is a terrible habit, but for an average joe, we pride ourselves in nailing a handsome dude.

But people often lose sight when it comes to after-sex contemplation (yes, the universe preach that one should always reflect upon oneself after orgasm, it's a good stimulation for the mind), we never question why the person who rejected us accept us again? Was it because we was unimpressive back then that the guy has no recollection? If that is the case, do we question ourselves whether we have improved much since then? If the answer is negative, why do we not wonder why we were accepted again this time round? The answer might not be forthcoming from the person, but there are consensus about how such change of heart happens, and that is, the person was just too horny and you happens to come by when all his options go south. To put it bluntly, it was mere luck and it's likely to be a one-off kind of thing, so don't get carried away and hope to become his buddy or worse, fuel your ego with false pride. The rules of universe dictates, "universe hiccups too", so after the hiccup, the rules will fall back into place, and the world will keep on going as it is, with both person once again segregated accordingly.

Exclusivity

Exclusiveness, we all want that. Who wants to share or to be seen having the same thing with another person? But many a daily things cannot be exclusive, unless we pay a premium for it. But there are also things we expect to be exclusively for us, such as in a relationship, we expect our partners to be loyal to us. Yet greed runs through our vein, we demand our partner to be loyal, but see not the importance of practising the same virtue. Men are selfish. We are men. We are selfish. Being truth doesn't make it right. What's right? What's true?

Getting high in HD

An accurate depiction of a subculture rampant in our circle, the only problem is... not all men are that sexy. Or maybe you have to be in the league in order to be in the circle of such hunks.

潇洒？

总以为人越老越能够潇洒，毕竟人生走了这么长的一段路，很多事情都应该能够看得透彻才对。才发现原来并不是如此，真正潇洒谈何容易，因为真正在乎的人事物，我们又怎么能够潇洒的放下呢？能够放下是因为我们不在意了，不在意的放下有又怎么能称的上潇洒呢？

When life goes bad to worse

Indeed it's bad, terrible to say the least, but c'est la vie, even if we don't want to accept the cruel truth in life, it will still be shove down us regardless. It's not easy to make peace with it, probably not ever, all we can do is to cope with it. Focus on the better things in life, that's been suggested, nonetheless it is hard. Harder still when you have to deal with it alone. Some pain cannot be shared, some pain are better left endured by yourself. Why? Silly pride, that's probably why. In the cold dark night, when silence creeps in, we are always left alone to reflect upon ourselves. But thinking about what went wrong will do no right, it will only drive the pain deeper, until a shattered heart be broken even further. That's when you realized, when life goes bad to worse, worse can go to worst.

A time for everything

A time to live,
A time to die,
A time to soar high up into the sky.

A time to laugh,
A time to grief,
A time to mourn the future that has died.

遗憾

人生是由很多故事组成的，而遗憾是其中的一部分。

某些遗憾造成的残缺是可以弥补的，某些则不行。

仔细想过之后，你就会知道，什么对自己来说是重要的，而什么是可以，或是该放弃的。我们都只是在做同一个动作而已，就是尽量让自己不要有遗憾。

《微雨之城》 藤井树

Stronger by comparison

I'm pondering bout the saying, what can't kill you makes you stronger. What if it is killing you slowly? Should I grow weak as the day pass? Or as the saying goes, since I am not dead, it should make me stronger? Though I am a believer in extremism, trying to see the world in black and white, I find myself lost in shades of grey especially in situation such as these. The feeling of helplessness for the inability to control the direction in life draws one deeper into the whirlpool.

New hope maybe?

It's funny how people is sometimes. We hope for things that would never come by. I thought that I am already pass that childish notion, of wanting what I know I would never get. But I guess I am human still, as much as I steel myself against the world, I can't help but  feel vulnerable deep within, especially during those special days in life.

I have stop hoping for things in life, for I thought I have come to terms with the fact that I will never ever get what I hope for most. Thus I relinquish myself of all effort to hope. But that makes life bitters, without hope how would one live? But now I wonder, is that-which-is-not-attainable something that I still hope for? Did I manage to let go of wanting it, and move on to wanting other things in life? I thought I was firm then. I ask myself, how can one regain themselves when they have lost the very essence of life, the will to live? But it seems that human is forgetful, or maybe it was simply instinct to make painful memories fade, for as long as I still have the strength to breathe and the thought of snugging into eternal slumber does not surface, I can always find replacement for purpose to fuel the journey ahead.

The Bitterness of Estrangement

You know, you are the only one whom I can honestly tell how I am feeling deep inside. All this negative feeling, the torment that has been twisting and turning inside me like a giant shredding machine, you are the only one whom I can share with. But I figured, you don't like hearing them. Hell, I don't like hearing them myself, that is why I don't talk about them, just letting them rot inside me. Not a pretty sight I am sure, and I stink of negativity too. But every time we met, you tried to cheer me up and I end up dumping onto you my misery. I guess that puts you off somehow. That is why I distant myself from you too. No point having two person to endure this pain of mine, not like I can feel less pain when I tell you how depressed I was. I thought maybe if I pretend that everything is alright, it would be good. But alas, self-delusional doesn't work when the bitter truth haunts you at every corner, the impending death echoes so loudly. But I didn't realize that to distant myself from you, can bring on even more pain. I guess there was a part in my that harbors feeling for you still, yet it was not meant to be and will never come to pass. The feeling of letting go and wanting what that can never be yours, that's a double edge sword that bloodied my weakening heart now. The scar will never heal, it will just be another maggot infested wound on my dead body.