Another Year

I'be been absent from here for quite some time. If not for a friend who asked me about this, I would have probably forgotten about it. I guess I just got lost in life again.

A lot of things has happened, good things bad things. Sometimes you don't realize how significant things can be until it happens, by then there is no point crying. I'm seeing life in a very different perspective now, yet I'm still holding on to my old believe. It's a contradiction that tires me down often. I know what I should do, yet I can't find the strength to partake in a new endeavor. It's a horrible feeling.

I keep reminding myself to think positive, but now I realize, those kind of mentality is often self-delusional in a way. So much is locked up inside, yet there are no comfortable ways to release it. So much secrets, so little time.

Random thoughts that stem from the same misery. Only those that knows the truth knows what it is, yet they too do not understands it, because only I do. That is probably what hurt most. The inability to share with others what you are feeling inside. Yet at the same time, I do not need other to ask me about it, because I know that they cannot understand it. Sympathy is not what I need.

溺爱 (1)

爱上你，是那样的没有理由，爱上你，那样的不能自拔，仿佛陷入流沙一样无奈，无力，爱上你，是那样的不知所错，惶恐万分。你的一举一动，都在牵动着我的心，使我感觉到世界的精彩。而明天，你就要离开了，我有好多话想对你说。

魔剑录

Outtributes

Outtributes : The attributes of someone that is out of the closet

I've noticed that as a gay man becomes more comfortable with his sexuality, he becomes ever more in touch with his feminine side. Not that I'm saying that they are sissy in anyway, but you can somehow feel that they are exuding feminines. They way there move their butt as they walk, the way they hold the cutlery or the way they roll their eyes all points to the flashing pink neon sign with the word GAY. This seems especially true for men that are openly gay where they are often more bitchy than the rest of the gay around them. If he have the guts to tell people around him he is gay, he is more than capable to bitch about anything he feels like. They themselves might even be against sissy people and considered them salah, which sometimes is funny. A kakak calling another kakak salah. Of course one can only laugh at it privately for one can never survive when they start pouring down on you for the fault you have done them.

People who are in their closet also demonstrate this peculiar trait when they are among peers of the same kind. They are more loosen up when they know whatever gay stuff they said will be well received and doesn't jeopardize them in any way like how it might if they let slip things concerning their sexuality among straight peers. The macho gentlemen suddenly becomes this soft spoken man that speaks two node higher.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

6 Degrees of Seperation

Was chilling with a friend and were gossiping away on what not. One topic leads to another, we end up on the topic of sex, more specifically how many men one has slept with. We both have no ideas what the exact figure was, and collectively we conclude that most gay men would have lost count also. We also did a cross checking and realize that we have two seemingly isolated group of contacts but upon further investigation, we discovered that we have tried the same men before during different period in time. Not that it came as a surprise.

(Sure, it might seems that we are kissing and telling, which might not be the most gracious thing to do and probably be one of the bigger taboo too, but we have done worse things than that. Never for a moment were we pretending to be good, as a matter of fact, if the conventional wisdom on after life is true, we probably have a one way express ticket to hell already. So, that's probably the least of our worries. Plus, there is a price to pay to scientific analysis. All in the name of science.)

It seems that the social butterfly, or slut as most people would refer to them although we have coined them Samantha Jones instead, does live up to their reputation indeed. They are the missing link that connects us to each other. Think about it, at some point in the past, you and I and everyone else, regardless of our differences have bedded the same man. Now, isn't this where world peace starts? Make love, not war. And, if you have bedded enough men, you would have probably bedded the man that have bedded a man you wish but can never bed. There should be some form of comfort in knowing that, no? Count your blessings, there are worse things that one could extrapolate and postulate base on this.

Serendipity

The fun thing about knowing things that you shouldn't know about other people is intensively exciting, especially when it's gay stuff. I was checking out other men's profile on a certain website and came across a blog url, which I would usually check out. The writings were mature and the content interesting, as it is written by a gay living in KL. He often mention his friend's name in a slightly masqueraded style. All is well until I came across a piece that mentioned a name and that whatever that he was writing about seems to be about someone I knew. Upon further reading, I was able to confirm that he was talking about exactly the same guy. At that point, laughter burst out. Somehow the sense of voyeurism makes me laugh uncontrollably. The things you find out by reading other people's blog is simply amazing. All praise the miracle of serendipity. Lesson learned, refrain yourself from indulging your secrets to people who blog. Haha.

On the same website, in a totally different situation, someone I knew professionally previously messaged me. I knew that he was gay long ago and thus try to stay clear of him. I am not sure if he knows I'm gay, or whether he knew I knew he is gay, but that is irrelevant. It wasn't exactly surprising when he ask me if I want to have fun, it was the next question he asked that surprised me. Well, maybe not surprising since its becoming a rampant activity within the circle. But the fact that he have tried them gives me mixed feeling. What if he knew I have the same habit? Awkwardness to the max indeed.


This MV was posted on the blog, it was a nice MV but the singer did a terrible cover of the original song. I guess it's asking too much nowadays to have the best of both world.