人生若只如初见，何事秋风悲画扇？等闲变却故人心，却道故人心易变。
骊山语罢清宵半，泪雨零铃终不怨。何如薄幸锦衣郎，比翼连枝当日愿。
~ 纳兰性德 木兰词 拟古决绝词柬友
开始总是甜蜜，久了就变得乏味。
所以就流连那爱的启程，不曾思考那遥远的将来，就算明天也很遥远。永远和承诺扯不上边。
爱的航程需要沿着大陆一个一个的城市去探索，爱的旅程才会有意义。过程才重要，结果是其次。
可能在经过时间的洗礼，就会到达那所谓爱的真谛，但现在却还沉醉于那起伏不定变幻莫测的爱海里。
From an age of innocence to a time of flagrant debauchery; from finding love to losing hope, this is the life journey of a Chinese gay guy born in KL, Malaysia where he tries to make sense of his homosexuality, his life and the world around him.
29 November 2007
27 November 2007
Predicament
When you become attached with someone for so long, out of the blue a question might pop up, are you there because of love? Or are you there because of responsibilities? If you are bothered by this question, more likely that you are there because of responsibilities rather then love. Love is a whimsical thing that is alluring yet faint. Try as some may, they fail to catch its scent, but even if you detect it, you might lose it too. And like finger prints, no one love is alike.
What do you do when the feeling is gone? After all this while, are you willing to break his heart, knowing very well how much he depends on you emotionally? You seem to realize the impact you might cause upon his life with your departure. You try to tell yourself that you are not that important, but then you realize, this is not a statement that you are entitled to say. It can only be discovered by him after you are gone. You seem to be stranded in a dilemma. Friends would probably not understand. How can you explain to them that somewhere along the way, you lost touch with him? How can you explain to him that you no longer feel connected to him? How can you breakup with someone who has been staying by you for all this while, through thick and thin? How could you let responsibilities foregos love?
It is cruel to hurt someone's feeling. Sure it is. What about our feeling? Shouldn't we be fair to ourselves too? But somehow it was never about the feeling of the heart breaker. Somehow if you were to initiate the breakup, you are not entitle to any feeling whatsoever. That you can only keep quiet and pretend that it doesn't hurt too.
But then again, life is never fair, nor is love. You win some and you lose some. If everything goes your way, you will not appreciate it. Maybe all we need is a little despair to make us cherish the love that we have. Some loneliness in order to feel love. To be deserted in order to appreciate. Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
What do you do when the feeling is gone? After all this while, are you willing to break his heart, knowing very well how much he depends on you emotionally? You seem to realize the impact you might cause upon his life with your departure. You try to tell yourself that you are not that important, but then you realize, this is not a statement that you are entitled to say. It can only be discovered by him after you are gone. You seem to be stranded in a dilemma. Friends would probably not understand. How can you explain to them that somewhere along the way, you lost touch with him? How can you explain to him that you no longer feel connected to him? How can you breakup with someone who has been staying by you for all this while, through thick and thin? How could you let responsibilities foregos love?
It is cruel to hurt someone's feeling. Sure it is. What about our feeling? Shouldn't we be fair to ourselves too? But somehow it was never about the feeling of the heart breaker. Somehow if you were to initiate the breakup, you are not entitle to any feeling whatsoever. That you can only keep quiet and pretend that it doesn't hurt too.
But then again, life is never fair, nor is love. You win some and you lose some. If everything goes your way, you will not appreciate it. Maybe all we need is a little despair to make us cherish the love that we have. Some loneliness in order to feel love. To be deserted in order to appreciate. Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
26 November 2007
Perversion of the Gay Men
In the world of straightness, we are call gay, homo, queer, plu and all sorts of names that is pain to the ear. Yet we embrace such discrimination because we accept who we are, some of us anyway... one way or another...
But sometimes I wonder if we did not bring such discrimination upon ourselves. The other day when I finished shower after gym, I walk out of the cubicle and I caught a glimpse of this guy peeping behind the curtain. I have always heard of wild tales regarding the gym, and have witness several times similar activities. But on that particular moment, I felt disgusted of gay men. Imagine if some straight men witness this, it would be such horror to them. They would simply brand all gay men as pervert. It’s an ultimatum. It’s so unfair that we were branded simply because someone else indulge themselves in voyeurism. Plus, it’s not like straight men don’t indulge in voyeurism. I do not deny them their indulgence in their fetishes but often it leaves a bad impression on other people, spoiling the good name of the rest of the bunch.
Malaysian gays like to call ourselves PLU. People like us. I hate this particular phrase. When this three words are uttered, the only emotion that I would associate with is a sense of defeat. What do we mean by people like us? It is people like us that brought forth the art revolution of the century? It is people like us that bring upon shame to our family? It is so extreme yet I fail to associate positive energy with this acronym. Some friends use it simply as a code, they don’t want to use the word gay, so they opt for plu or p. I can understand the need of not disclosing our sexuality in the public while discussing a certain cute guy that walk pass. Along my train of thoughts, whoever that came up with this phrase must be seriously depressed. It does not sound as gay as I wish it would be.
But sometimes I wonder if we did not bring such discrimination upon ourselves. The other day when I finished shower after gym, I walk out of the cubicle and I caught a glimpse of this guy peeping behind the curtain. I have always heard of wild tales regarding the gym, and have witness several times similar activities. But on that particular moment, I felt disgusted of gay men. Imagine if some straight men witness this, it would be such horror to them. They would simply brand all gay men as pervert. It’s an ultimatum. It’s so unfair that we were branded simply because someone else indulge themselves in voyeurism. Plus, it’s not like straight men don’t indulge in voyeurism. I do not deny them their indulgence in their fetishes but often it leaves a bad impression on other people, spoiling the good name of the rest of the bunch.
Malaysian gays like to call ourselves PLU. People like us. I hate this particular phrase. When this three words are uttered, the only emotion that I would associate with is a sense of defeat. What do we mean by people like us? It is people like us that brought forth the art revolution of the century? It is people like us that bring upon shame to our family? It is so extreme yet I fail to associate positive energy with this acronym. Some friends use it simply as a code, they don’t want to use the word gay, so they opt for plu or p. I can understand the need of not disclosing our sexuality in the public while discussing a certain cute guy that walk pass. Along my train of thoughts, whoever that came up with this phrase must be seriously depressed. It does not sound as gay as I wish it would be.
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