29 June 2006


“Why do you do it?”
“It just sort of happened.”
“Are you happy?”
“I guess I am. It’s a different sort of happiness I would say.”
“Really. I feel a lot more contented than I ever was. Maybe it’s because I know clearly where I stood in this relationship. No more wondering who he is with or what he is doing.”
“I don’t get you. Didn’t you despise your position all this while?”
“Funny for such a turn of event indeed. I don’t know. It all seems so right for me at this moment. I guess you  really have to be in my shoe to know how I feel.”
“What if he decided to go back?”
“He was never mine to begin with. I might be sad for awhile but surely not as long anymore.”
“If he leave his for you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll advice him not to. Who knows what the future holds.”
“So you are just having fun with him?”
“No. I’m enjoying the feeling of being in love.”

Love is a selfish thing. Most people are selfish that they do not want to share with anyone. Some people are selfish in which they share themselves with others. Yet there are some people who are selfish in which they enjoy the feeling of sharing. They willingly took the part which the society frown upon. They do not ask for commitment. They do not ask for the promise of eternity. They do not ask for understanding or forgiveness. They only wish to be loved. Someone that could fill the spidery cracks in their life. Friends could not understand why men of such charm would willingly undergo such torment. But such askew love seems to be the only antidote to their long aching heart. Even lost, it would not make the heart ache worse.

To them, there is a difference between feeling in love and being in love. The high level of euphoria one experience when one who feels that one is in love is staggering. The simple image of the man one was falling for could bring a smile to one’s face anytime. But such ecstasy last only so long until one is finally in love. The heat slowly drops and the passion diminishes as they both began to be aware of their surrounding again. They don’t seem to love each other as madly as before. Arguments seem to be their way of communication. Everything falls into routine. Unjustly expectations were enforced upon each other. Finally it ends.

They don’t believe that arguments strengthen a relationship by learning to tolerate each other better. For they feels that when one tolerates, one change and through such changes, one transform into someone else, losing  the original essence that one supposedly falls for. Do we want to lose ourselves for the sake of another? Or wanting someone to change for the sake of us? Have we become a better person through these changes? Would we regret such changes if the relationship did not work out? Such sacrifices seem noble in the eye of love but yet is it worth it? Although it’s a price many are willing to pay, but they ponder how long and often can one pay if it doesn’t work out every time? Some people just don’t have the luck of meeting Mr Right. And when failures seems to greet you at every turn, one can’t help but lose hope, at least to the extent that the childish fantasy of a perfect relationship fades into the mist of our memory.

That is why as they age and gain experience in life, they have lesser and lesser expectation in relationship. It is where all the negative comments that gay relationship doesn’t last that nurtured them into form. Even though there might be a few happy endings, yet it was not enough to tip the balance. Worse was when a good relationship turns sour and finally becoming bitter in the end, making worse the flavor of the soup.

That is why, given a choice, some people decided to take things into their own hand. Wanting only the feeling of love but discarding their position in love like a spectator in a chess game. The result is insubstantial  to them; only the process in which they felt loved. Even though they knew that it is likely to loose form with the slightest breeze and that it would slip through their hands anytime, it was something they rather hold than the possible future they might grasp. Love has always been a selfish indulgence to them in which they dwell.

26 June 2006


First there was membership card then come Axcesticon, I wonder when the Axcest T-Shirt, Axcest Skincare Range and Axcest Reality Show is coming up? Nothing against the organizer, as a matter of fact, I applause the ingenious method used to cash in on this niche market. SMS contest/voting are so common nowadays that it is becoming a very lucrative business indeed. If the money is flowing, so why not flow this way, at least it would keep the site partially free. After all the hustle, it's just another form of entertainment anyway. And if someone is getting rich from this, so be it. People get rich everyday, it's all a matter determination, hardwork, creativity and a pinch of good luck.

Some friends commented that gay don't know how to plan for their future. They earn and they spend all on themselves because they have no worries of raising a family in the future. Thus they live a lavish lifestyle, travelling around the globe, dining in exquisite restaurants and showering themselves with designer labels. This is true, but not wholly true. They are alot of gay people who knows how to earn and plan their future. It is actually not a sex-oriented problem but more of a character problem although gay tend to have a higher percentage in part due to their no-family policy, more acute fashion sense and exposure.

For most working gay between the age of 18-35, such is the lifestyle that they would want. A steady job, a good bf and spending great time together with friends. It seems like a simple equation to paradise for them. But then, sooner or later, reality will sink in and we realized that we haven't been really planning for our future. Is this one house, one car and one job enough to support me for the rest of my life? After retirement, how am I going to survive with those little EPF that I have? There ain't gonna be any daughter or son to take care of me. How would life be by then? And god know what kind of problems might arise then. Are most of us prepared for the future? Are most of us even aware of the problem?

Revelation usually comes around 35-40, some even later, but by then we have only so little time left to prepare ourselves for the coming winter. Prime age has slipped by so silently. Some may argue that even if they start saving now, what they save is not enough to get them through when they are older as the value of money depreciate. So it is no more a matter of arsenal but a matter of conquering lands using existing arsenal, expanding ones territory and colonizing profitable resources.

18 June 2006


I can't quite understand what is it with alias. Why do people like to use alias so much? Well, actually I could  partially understand it, for the case of ONS anyhow, that we want to classified ourselves to sex and none sex names are justifiable. We do not want the person that we are only going to meet once to know our real name. But then again, if we are only going to meet once, what's the big deal of knowing your real name? Although the chance of bumping into him is not as remote as we think, still it all seem so pointless. What if you bump into the guy after years and he calls you by your fake name which you have forgotten, wouldn't that be awkward? Or do we just pretends that we don't know them.

But what about in the case of friends? Do we really need a gay name and a straight name to differentiate our life? How would you react to a friend that you knew for a month or two, who out of the blue during dinner said, "by the way, my name's not Alex but Zachary." What would be the first thing that crosses your mind? For me, it would be ~ change the display name in my phone. Personally, I don't give a damn but not all are as forgiving as me.  Many would feel cheated, because name in itself is both a minute and enormous factor in a relationship. We know the person by his name first, his character later. By faking your name, it distrupt the whole relationship process, making it hard to adjust accordingly.

A friend's ex has two names. Until now, he is not sure which is his real name if either one is really his name. Although they did broke up just in a couple of months and are not seeing each other, but what if they were able to continue on, how should the ice be broke? Wouldn't it be weird that the name that you have been moaning of every time he makes you high is not his name? Wouldn't it be weirder still if the man that you are making love with are calling you by a different name and you can't correct him because he didn't know the better?

11 June 2006

Let the dust lies

Not many gays are openly gay. Some are totally hidden while some only reveal to their family, close friends, gay friends or sex partners. Most of us are semi-disclosed and are satisfied with how things were, more or less. But that's our dirty little secret, it doesn't stop us from wanting to know other people's orientation. We wonder if handsome Adam from account are gay? Or the specky cute guy from 17th floor are gay? Maybe that high school classmate that never seem to have any gf are gay? Or that cute guy with 5 elder sisters are gay? If that muscular jock in gym are gay, which most probably are anyway just don't have any confirmation...

Some are good in detecting other gay. Some friends like to say, "look at his face also know is gay la..." It holds true for some, some are quite gayish in their outlook, some in their mannerism, some you never thought that he was gay until someone else confirmed of sleeping around with him. Yet, it is often fun to guess if someone is gay, sometimes it can be thrilling to know that someone is gay like the case of celebrities. But there comes a time that those things are better left unknown. Do we really want to know if our siblings or parents are gay? Do we really want to know our best friend that we have a crush on are gay? Maybe we do… But what if this friend is actually secretly attached to that cute gym hunk that you’ve been drooling over? Damn, double damn!

Revelation comes with a price. Knowing that the cute gym hunk that you have been eyeing is gay doesn't really make a difference. Because we realized that they are out of our league. It's not looking down upon ourselves, its call reality. Sometimes it is good to have a wet dream, sometimes reality hits you hard in the crotch especially when a hardon is coming. Take the case of the hip-hop instructor that everybody knows. When you first see him, you'll think... cute. Then when you realized that he is gay, you'll think sheepishly... I thought so too. When you realized that he is attached, you think miserably... would I ever get someone as good and damn if his bf is equally cute? The comments regarding this couple varies, some good some bad, but the bottom line is people are attached while you are not, ha! It's a spiral of despair.

Yet, it is sometimes awkward to find some friends that you have previously known are actually gay. The transition of changing the topic from when are you getting married to have you been sleeping around with that guy takes time. Plenty of time. I knew a classmate that is gay, but I just can’t bring myself to admitting that I am too. Maybe he already knew that I am, but that topic never came up and we just let it be as it is. Maybe if one day I bump into him in a gay place or gathering, it could break the ice, but it would certainly be very embarrassing if it was a gay sex party of sorts.

Sexyback, Brokeback, Bareback

I got my hand on a copy of last month's New Icon, yeah outdated indeed, but better late then never. Anyway, went flipping through the magazine and basically dive right into Hottest Hunks in Malaysia 2006/07. According to a friend of mine, this years candidates seems to be in better shape than last year, which I have missed, thus no comment. Anyhow, true to their name, they are mostly hunks indeed. Simply look at those muscles and you know how discipline they are in maintaining their body. Which makes me wonder, if they are all discipline, does that mean they have a taste for the master/slave kink? The image of those hunks as slaves certainly stir somethings up...

Looking at their bios, most of them seems to be gym instructors, brawn over brains? Just kidding... Although I was quite surprise to see chef listed as one of the occupation. I really cannot imagine those muscle hunk baking or cooking in a kitchen wearing sparkling white uniform. I have yet to see porn in this particular scenario.

And then there was Q3, which goes something like "who's you idol?". Looking at their answers, one can really see a clear difference of age. Most of them cited celebrities, namely Andy Lau... In some weird and twisted way, I guess I should have expected such answers from muscle hunks. The typical superficial cliche association of brawn over brains kicking in again. I was really hoping for answers that requires me to google for further info, but I guess that would be asking too much.

Finally there was Q4, "describe yourself in 3 words". Some candidates gave some interesting answers indeed and then you get to the last page... Why is the answer more then 3 words? Which part of the question they don't understand? Hmm... Cliche brawn over brains flashing over my mind again. Maybe they replied in english and was translated into chinese, that's why there is so many words. Wait, one of the candidates have english chinese answer, why not the rest? Lousy copywriter...

Of course, the most interesting part would be guessing who is gay. We all know Axcesticon. There was Mr LQ candidates. That guy I know from my gym and he is always hanging around the group of muscle mary. The guy which has "I am gay" written all over his face, tothe well-honed gaydar anyway. The guy that looks yummy and I certainly hope that he is gay.

I really wonder what would those girls, in this case anatomically female, thinks when they realized that the hunk that they voted for is gay. Of course, we all know that goodlooking hunky guys that appears on media are usually gay, if not bi, but I don't think that's common knowledge with girls. I think the girls and gays would have the same feeling when they realized that a handsome cute guy's sexual orientation are not what they hope to be, which would be ~ what a pity.

If they were to use these 3 words to describe themselves, I think it would really clear everything up for everyone. Sexyback. Brokeback. Bareback.

09 June 2006

A Matter of Life and Death

Question: Imagine that you are happily in love with the perfect guy that you’ve dreamed for. Living a happy life finally contented. Then you found out that you have a terminal disease. What would you do?
(A) Tell your perfect guy about it and fight it together.
(B) Tell your perfect guy about it and break up with him so that he wouldn’t see you suffer.
(C) Not tell him about it and break up with him so that he wouldn’t see you suffer.

First, the question is universal; it applies to all relationship without prejudice. Second, the question can be view in opposite where it was the perfect guy that is ill instead of you. Compare the two answers truthfully and you’ll find out something about yourself.

But the question itself can be expanded to include different variables that would affect the different type of choices available. What type of disease? Is it something transmittable? If it is transmittable, where did it come from? Was it AIDS? Who were having unprotected rampant sex? Following this line of thinking, the choices aren’t likely to be pleasant.

But if it is just some disease like cancer, then the choices available are still viable. Part of answer A and B involve telling him about it. The question following this is whether the guy can accepts it, if he is willing to go through it with you? We can probably argue that because he was the perfect guy, of course he would be by the side till the end. But we are not perfect, human endurance can only go so far. If even for family members it proves to be a challenge, let alone two that is only in love. Would we be angry at our love one for not being able to go through the pain together but only the joy? Or are we capable of enduring a pain that is not our physical concern? It’s like the movie A Walk To Remember, finally she died and left him behind. But what if she were to live even longer still, would it still be the same ending for both of them? Or what happen to him way afterward when she died? We can only ponder.

For answer B and C, it involves the decision of going through it alone. Again, are you a lover that can only share joy but not pain? Maybe it is too much to ask for some healthy strangers, albeit a well known stranger, to accompany us on such a journey. But maybe we can be lucky enough to meet one such person. Still, do we want them to experience the emotional roller coaster ride as we do? But then again, if we are terminally ill, we should be allow to throw a tantrum once in awhile, for god sake, it’s not like those tantrums are going to repeat more often… or can we? It was not a matter of fairness, if the world is fair, we will all be living happily ever after.

Thoery of Special Relativity (6:18 PM - 3, Jun 2006 Saturday)
People tends to condemn long distance relationship. They do not believe that it would work. They say that the distance makes the two person drift apart. Infidelity, lies, sadness and torments lay in wait for all those who dare venture into such relationship. But is it true? Does not normal distance relationship are also likely to have the same problems?

So why does most LDR fails? It was mostly due to infidelity. We cannot accept the fact that our partner is sleeping around with someone else. It usually involves a man willing to celibate and another man unable to celibate. And it is only proper to remind you that it is not always the top that flirts around, sometimes it is the bottom that has an itchy hole.  It is usually this imbalance of sexual energy that cause the sexually deprieved party to ask for a break. A flirter in a LDR wouldn't mind having a bf while still fooling around. Why is it that we are so unwilling to forego the sex if it was love that we search for. Isn't love a whole mental aspect while lust is just a bodily satisfaction? Many are willing to save sex for a love one but they are not willing to love one who had sex with people other than them.

Distance is just an excuse used, it was never the underlying factor that determines the success of a relationship. It has always boils down to trust. When involved in a relationship, we have to trust and have faith in our partner regardless if he is lying next to us everyday or sleeping alone across the continent. It is simple as that yet simpler said then done. It is the norm of human to be weary, faith does not come easy. Just  because LDR requires a lot more trust, that doesn't mean it would not work out. If one is determine to abuse the trust, he can still find time to shag someone and come back in time to have supper with you. It is all in the effort you put in and how good a liar one is.

Comparing a normal relationship and a LDR, a lot more effort are needed to maintain it. Conversation became a major aspect in the relationship. The phone bills for a LDR couple are probably a few times higher than the rest. But it is an investment well spend. Would a couple that have dinner together every night converse as much as a LDR couple that talks on phone every night? When a couple are seeing each other everyday, the time spend in talking became less because they have fall into a routine of doing other things together instead. They might go to gym together, catch a midnight movie or stay comfortably at home watching TV while cuddling together. It all sounds so warm and nice, but that does not really improve a relationship. It is just time spend together, not time spend to know each other.

What a couple in a LDR achieved was mental compatibility, which is what drives a relationship in a long run.  What about sex? We gay are branded somehow to be sexually deprived and need it every day. Really, how many of us can do it every night? After one hits 25, the fluctuation of libido are usually disrupted by work pressure, weight management and credit card bills. Only a handful of people can affort to do it every single damn night. We don't die if we don't have sex. That's why man discovered masturbation. If one recalls the time while one are single and not having any available partners, the way to release the libido are through self-exploration. Once the juice is out of the body so is the urge out of one's circulation. In the end, it is still the effort one puts in to curb the urges. Also, many people are able to practice celibacy whether through self-imposed dedication or hectic schedule. It helps to curb if one has a life or a career or both.

But some men are just easily subdued by temptation. There is no better reason to fool around than not having the boyfriend around. It doesn't really hurt if he doesn't find out for real. He might suspect it but he would probably be much more forgiving because he feels that he cannot provide you adequetly. Not in a normal relationship, if one fools around while coming back home every night, it takes a man of great heart to forgive. Or a man of great look, deep pocket and tremendous charm to win a forgiveness. Either way, it probably wouldn't last for long.

A change of heart happens because of the shift of ones view upon life and the needs of life. It was never the distance nor the lack of sex. We change because we simply do. Human revolution.