29 June 2006


“Why do you do it?”
“It just sort of happened.”
“Are you happy?”
“I guess I am. It’s a different sort of happiness I would say.”
“Really. I feel a lot more contented than I ever was. Maybe it’s because I know clearly where I stood in this relationship. No more wondering who he is with or what he is doing.”
“I don’t get you. Didn’t you despise your position all this while?”
“Funny for such a turn of event indeed. I don’t know. It all seems so right for me at this moment. I guess you  really have to be in my shoe to know how I feel.”
“What if he decided to go back?”
“He was never mine to begin with. I might be sad for awhile but surely not as long anymore.”
“If he leave his for you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll advice him not to. Who knows what the future holds.”
“So you are just having fun with him?”
“No. I’m enjoying the feeling of being in love.”

Love is a selfish thing. Most people are selfish that they do not want to share with anyone. Some people are selfish in which they share themselves with others. Yet there are some people who are selfish in which they enjoy the feeling of sharing. They willingly took the part which the society frown upon. They do not ask for commitment. They do not ask for the promise of eternity. They do not ask for understanding or forgiveness. They only wish to be loved. Someone that could fill the spidery cracks in their life. Friends could not understand why men of such charm would willingly undergo such torment. But such askew love seems to be the only antidote to their long aching heart. Even lost, it would not make the heart ache worse.

To them, there is a difference between feeling in love and being in love. The high level of euphoria one experience when one who feels that one is in love is staggering. The simple image of the man one was falling for could bring a smile to one’s face anytime. But such ecstasy last only so long until one is finally in love. The heat slowly drops and the passion diminishes as they both began to be aware of their surrounding again. They don’t seem to love each other as madly as before. Arguments seem to be their way of communication. Everything falls into routine. Unjustly expectations were enforced upon each other. Finally it ends.

They don’t believe that arguments strengthen a relationship by learning to tolerate each other better. For they feels that when one tolerates, one change and through such changes, one transform into someone else, losing  the original essence that one supposedly falls for. Do we want to lose ourselves for the sake of another? Or wanting someone to change for the sake of us? Have we become a better person through these changes? Would we regret such changes if the relationship did not work out? Such sacrifices seem noble in the eye of love but yet is it worth it? Although it’s a price many are willing to pay, but they ponder how long and often can one pay if it doesn’t work out every time? Some people just don’t have the luck of meeting Mr Right. And when failures seems to greet you at every turn, one can’t help but lose hope, at least to the extent that the childish fantasy of a perfect relationship fades into the mist of our memory.

That is why as they age and gain experience in life, they have lesser and lesser expectation in relationship. It is where all the negative comments that gay relationship doesn’t last that nurtured them into form. Even though there might be a few happy endings, yet it was not enough to tip the balance. Worse was when a good relationship turns sour and finally becoming bitter in the end, making worse the flavor of the soup.

That is why, given a choice, some people decided to take things into their own hand. Wanting only the feeling of love but discarding their position in love like a spectator in a chess game. The result is insubstantial  to them; only the process in which they felt loved. Even though they knew that it is likely to loose form with the slightest breeze and that it would slip through their hands anytime, it was something they rather hold than the possible future they might grasp. Love has always been a selfish indulgence to them in which they dwell.

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