30 December 2007


Just joined a blogring and I thought by doing this, I would do some publicity stunt for this blog of mine. I was considering penning down my daily ramblings, but then I realize I have tried that before and it doesn't suit my style. The whole point of this blog was not to share my life, but just my point of view in this gay life of mine. I'm not out of the closet, nor am I likely to be out anytime soon. It's kind of like a dilemma but I'm sure alot of people out there are having the same issue.

Not many people know of the existence of this blog, at the moment, I only knew of two person who actually have read this blog. I have a mind to share this blog with all the gay friends of mine but then I realize that many of the stuff I wrote here was not really meant for them. It would probably shock them, me being a seclusive person, with my opinions and all. Thus the name of the blog, a life within another life. It's not only hidden from my straight circle, it is also hidden from my gay circle. So, really, you who know of this blog and know of me in person, count yourself lucky for you are in a league of prestige. Haha.

Most of the entries are posted in Axcest too, which has some feedbacks and following. It is a great feeling when you know that what you have written has an impact on someone. That somebody's life was changed, no matter how small it might be. The resonance of acceptance are a delight to the author.

There are a few readers who commented that my style was similar to Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. I don't deny that there are some influence from the show as I quite like the show myself. Somehow the style of writing comes naturally to me. Though it is much more different for my writing in chinese instead. I guess that being true to the name of the blog, I seem to be portraiting a different aspect of myself as I move from one medium to another. I think I have multiple personalities disorder.

I wonder what would happen when all this personalities of mine converge together. All hell would probably break lose. But I am seeing an enlightenment at the end of the tunnel, yet I fear that I dare not trek this path. I just can't get over the hurdle that is myself.

29 December 2007

My 2007 Reflection

I thought I came to realize, since a long time ago, that if you were to just stop and take in the things that happens around you, you'll find that things happen more frequent then you think. I thought I notice the similar few numbers on most car plates. I thought I notice the same brand of shoes most gymmers wear. I thought I notice the same traits that gays carry themselves with. I thought that by pausing awhile in time to scrutinize the things that happens around you, you'll be able to make sense of things happening around you. I thought I was opening up to the world, but I was actually closing the windows and looking through a tiny peephole.

It was not because the same few numbers keep showing up but because I chose to see only the numbers I want to see. There are only 10 numbers and less then 10 thousand combination of numbers anyway. It was not because most gymmers wear the same brand of shoes but because I chose to see only the brand I want to see. There are only so many brands for shoes. It was not because most gays carry the same traits but because I chose to believe that gays acts in a certain way. Sexual orientation does not determine our personalities.

I come to realize now that taking time to examine things was great until you realize that you are not looking at the big picture anymore. Like the year end reflection that we all do , we try to evaluate our deeds in the pass year, the experience that we have accumulated and the regrets that we have caused. Then we came up with a new year resolution, telling ourselves that for the coming year, we shall achieve the few goals listed, but I wonder how many of us gets to complete the list. Maybe it is a matter of sheer willpower that determine whether we are able to achieve the goals or maybe we are just giving ourselves excuses. Regardless, the whole cycle of resolution and reflection repeats every year. Sometimes I wonder why do we torture ourselves with all this. I agree that life will be boring without expectations. I agree that life has its ups and downs. But I always thought that if I don't expect anything to happen, whatever good that happens will be a pleasant surprise and whatever bad that happens will be lesser a pain.

Did we lose ourselves during this reflection and resolution period or are we gaining perspective of our life? How do we live our life is our decision. How do we handle a relationship is our decision. There is no right and wrong in life. As long as you believe in it, then that is the truth, regardless of what other people thinks. Life too short to be bothered by irrelevance such as these. That's my reflection for year 2007.

20 December 2007


好让 好让那些
~ 席幕容 回首的刹那 印记



13 December 2007

Bizarre Love Polygon

You have a boyfriend.
You are his only boyfriend.
You have another boyfriend.
This boyfriend has his own boyfriend.
Besides his boyfriend and you, he has other boyfriends.
But you yourself also have other boyfriends.
And all these boyfriends also have their own boyfriends.
Identically, most of them have other boyfriends.
Making you concubine for them and them concubine for you.
But somehow your boyfriend only has one boyfriend.

Sounds complicated? You be surprise that it is actually a norm in the circle. Sounds like sex buddies? They beg to differ because according to people involved, they are more then just sex buddies, there are actually some sorts of emotion beside lust involved. Is it wrong? Only if you make it so. Everybody has a choice to choose the lifestyle they want. Pity the boyfriend who is loyal. condolence extended to him too but there isn’t much any of us can do.

Was it because the boyfriend cannot provide the emotional or physical satisfaction? Maybe. Why shouldn’t they just breakup? Because although he cannot satisfy all his needs, he can satisfy some of them. By getting their satisfaction here and there, he has the complete satisfaction needed. That’s selfish. Well, good for you that you are kind, generous and to exhibit all traits of good, but I’m afraid for the some people in the world, they are selfish, self-centered and doom to torment in hell. That’s life.

29 November 2007


~ 纳兰性德 木兰词 拟古决绝词柬友


27 November 2007


When you become attached with someone for so long, out of the blue a question might pop up, are you there because of love? Or are you there because of responsibilities? If you are bothered by this question, more likely that you are there because of responsibilities rather then love. Love is a whimsical thing that is alluring yet faint. Try as some may, they fail to catch its scent, but even if you detect it, you might lose it too. And like finger prints, no one love is alike.

What do you do when the feeling is gone? After all this while, are you willing to break his heart, knowing very well how much he depends on you emotionally? You seem to realize the impact you might cause upon his life with your departure. You try to tell yourself that you are not that important, but then you realize, this is not a statement that you are entitled to say. It can only be discovered by him after you are gone. You seem to be stranded in a dilemma. Friends would probably not understand. How can you explain to them that somewhere along the way, you lost touch with him? How can you explain to him that you no longer feel connected to him? How can you breakup with someone who has been staying by you for all this while, through thick and thin? How could you let responsibilities foregos love?

It is cruel to hurt someone's feeling. Sure it is. What about our feeling? Shouldn't we be fair to ourselves too? But somehow it was never about the feeling of the heart breaker. Somehow if you were to initiate the breakup, you are not entitle to any feeling whatsoever. That you can only keep quiet and pretend that it doesn't hurt too.

But then again, life is never fair, nor is love. You win some and you lose some. If everything goes your way, you will not appreciate it. Maybe all we need is a little despair to make us cherish the love that we have. Some loneliness in order to feel love. To be deserted in order to appreciate. Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.

26 November 2007

Perversion of the Gay Men

In the world of straightness, we are call gay, homo, queer, plu and all sorts of names that is pain to the ear. Yet we embrace such discrimination because we accept who we are, some of us anyway... one way or another...

But sometimes I wonder if we did not bring such discrimination upon ourselves. The other day when I finished shower after gym, I walk out of the cubicle and I caught a glimpse of this guy peeping behind the curtain. I have always heard of wild tales regarding the gym, and have witness several times similar activities. But on that particular moment, I felt disgusted of gay men. Imagine if some straight men witness this, it would be such horror to them. They would simply brand all gay men as pervert. It’s an ultimatum. It’s so unfair that we were branded simply because someone else indulge themselves in voyeurism. Plus, it’s not like straight men don’t indulge in voyeurism. I do not deny them their indulgence in their fetishes but often it leaves a bad impression on other people, spoiling the good name of the rest of the bunch.

Malaysian gays like to call ourselves PLU. People like us. I hate this particular phrase. When this three words are uttered, the only emotion that I would associate with is a sense of defeat. What do we mean by people like us? It is people like us that brought forth the art revolution of the century? It is people like us that bring upon shame to our family? It is so extreme yet I fail to associate positive energy with this acronym. Some friends use it simply as a code, they don’t want to use the word gay, so they opt for plu or p. I can understand the need of not disclosing our sexuality in the public while discussing a certain cute guy that walk pass. Along my train of thoughts, whoever that came up with this phrase must be seriously depressed. It does not sound as gay as I wish it would be.

15 October 2007

I hate and I love

"Maybe you are just being picky."
"No, I’m not. Good guys like you are all taken."
"Me, good? Most might disagree."
"I don’t know, somehow I just like you, from our conversation and all."
"Thank you for the compliment. But you know you can’t like me."
"Yea, I know."

How do you define a good boyfriend? Top of the list would probably be loyalty. Not many people can accept infidelity yet we find that many gay men are promiscuous. In time, you’ll realize that all men has flaws. Just like the perfect man that all woman would want to marry turn out to be gay, the perfect men that all gay men wants to be attached to turn out to be attached while this perfect yet unavailable man turns out to be quite available.

There are so many qualities involved in defining a good boyfriend and different people have different requirements. Just being loyal are not enough, one require more then loyalty. Some like great looks, some crave for great body, some hunger for attention, some are inspired by intelligence, some are charmed by humor. The list go on and on. But who is perfect? If you only settle for the perfect men that meets all your requirement, you are deem to fail in all relationship. Bear in mind that while you chose, so are you chosen upon. The smart one learns to accept the flaws of their boyfriend.

But how do one learn to accept that their boyfriend is unfaithful? Well, unless you yourself practice multiple sex partners, you will never be able to accept that. It is just something that is beyond explanation because it will not make sense to you at all. You will not be able to understand all the mixed feeling involved, and they who practice it themselves probably can’t explain it too. It’s like answering the question, why are you gay? Why do you like men and not women? It’s just how things is. God? Genes? Environment? Nobody knows.

Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.

06 October 2007

Death by stupidity deserve no pity

I know that people can die from heart complication, but if the heart here is referred to feeling wise, I couldn't for all the brain cells of mine working together, understand how? I mean, come on, so a man dump you, big deal. A lot of people get dumped, you wouldn't be the first nor would you be the last. Dying wouldn't get you back together even if he is touched by your action. But if it's me, I'll be freak out, big time! Even if you live through the ordeal, I wouldn't want to be near you. You think the person that one have supposedly died for are not in a trauma too? It's like realizing that you have a time bomb near you all this while, but was glad that it does not detonate around you. It could develop into a bloody massacre for all we know.

Some people might say, how could you say something like that? But really, if it's your bf, you'll freak out too. No, if it's me I'll never do that to my bf. Please, all this while it has only been one side of the story, who knows what really happened. But, even if it happened as it was told, to die for or even to hurt yourself? That's stupid. Death by stupidity deserve no pity.

You know, I have skimp through the posts all this while, and somehow it didn't surprise me a bit that it turns out this way. Call me psycho if you will, but I remember way back there was a similar incident posted here also. Someone died because someone was dumped or something and some friends posted for the person. The first thing that go through my mind after reading both posts was, wow, so people nowadays share their accounts? Or do people leave down their ID and password to their friends and ask their friends to post to the net, that should any misfortune befall upon them, they should inform all the sympathetic strangers of his latest update? It takes a very disturbed person to think that way or a very drama person to arrange such an elaborate stage performance.

I apologize for being such a bloody heartless person if actual casualties were involved. But I think I meant everything that I just said. Hopefully none of the friends are reading this, I wouldn't want to be involve in a cat fight with me being cold blooded while him lying there blood cold.

24 September 2007

My Playlist of PLU Songs

Promiscuous ~ Nelly Furtado
The music for fishing in progress.

Unfaithful ~ Rihana
Anthem for the promiscuously attached man.

The Best ~ Tina Turner
The ONS song, the lyric speaks for itself.

Love At First Sight ~ Kylie Minogue
Somehow this happen more often with gay men. They will like you the first day, call you dear the second and expect to move in on the third.

Don’t Turn Off The Light ~ Enrique Iglesias
Not all of us are expert or can read mind. You must speak your mind during sex, not complaining to your friends how lousy the other person is.

The Flame ~ Cheap Trick
Denounce thy undying love, denounce!

You Don’t Bring Me Flower Anymore ~ Barbara Streisand & Neil Diamond
For the stagnant relationship that drift apart.

My Happy Ending ~ Avril Lavigne
Breakup song for the perfect gay man that just has a tendency to fuck around.

Love Song For No One ~ John Mayer
The desperate, but surely dramatic, cried out of a single gay who just broke up two weeks ago.

Perhaps Love ~ John Denver & Placido Domingo
My personal favorite for no apparent reason.

23 September 2007

You Don't Bring Me Flower Anymore

"What do you mean by this?"
"Time to go home."
"You think this is a game?"
"I don't, but you do."
"What the fuck are you talking bout?"
"Enough already. We both know this can't go on. Someone has to make the last call."
"Can't we sit down and talk things over?"
"There is nothing left to be talked about. All this years, we have already spend all the things we can talk about."
"So, this is it?"
"Yea, I guess so."
"Will we still be friends?"
"I don't know. Probably. But I don't think I'll be seeing you anytime soon though."
"Where are you going?"
"Bought a ticket to Bali next week."
"You've planned this all along?"
"We both know it all along, just a matter of time."

When one has gone through good times and bad times together, one would naturally think that the relationship would last forever. But when all the sparks has been exhausted, there really is nothing left to sustain the relationship. Maybe that's the problem with gay relationship, there is no commitment to constrain us like a straight relationship does. But that would mean that no gay men would find lasting happiness. That's something daunting to take in.

Instead of just staying together as if there is still love there, wouldn't it be better to just let go of each other. To free each other and let each other seek out their next destiny.

The relationship is a milestone, but life is a long journey with death as the final destination. We should not linger too long in a place even though we are very comfortable in that place. A stagnant relationship, however comfortable it is, is not something that anyone should hold on to. Nobody is at fault here. If the real reason must be disclosed, it would just make life miserable for everyone. Why don't just let it be? Think of it as an expired can meat, just throw it away and forget about it. Easier said then done, but think of the health complication if you eat an expired meat.

19 September 2007

Perfect Stranger

He has just the perfect proportion of body. The right height and the most tone arm ever. He has a healthy skin tone, one that is naturally tan. His dark and lushes hair paired with his rugged look makes one wonder if such perfect man really exist. Standing around him, one can detect the faintest freshness of shampoo.

Then his phone rang and he started talking, and I just can't help but to roll my eyes and shut him out of my mind forever.

That perfect man remains to be perfect because he is a stranger that one knew nothing of. Nothing should be known. Fantasy drives perfectness, truth shatters.

12 August 2007

Beware he who disclose not his pic

I have known this since a long long time ago, but somehow I never did learned from all these painful experiences. Anybody who does not ask for your face pic before hand but willing to have sex with you are definitely not your average guy. They also tend to under declare their age and weight. I told myself that I am being a good Samaritan to have sex with them. Maybe I'm just not good at saying no. Or maybe I was just horny as hell and any outlet are enough for me. Does that make me a slut? Probably.

Among my painful experience was a middle age bold hairstylist, sissy malay, fat men and ugly uncles. Talk about just naming a few. Sigh. Maybe with my average look, it is hard for me to nail down fresh meat, I guess it is time to find some steady sex partner instead. But with all my pass ONS encounters, none of them really rise to the occasion of becoming my sex buddy. I guess I am holding to the strict code of ethic for ONS, which is really once only. I find myself unable to perform as well after the first encounter. It's as if I'm bored with them already and little junior prefer to go somewhere new instead. Or maybe it is time for me to venture into local sauna to seek for pleasure in the dark. But that is so sad, albeit fun. I don't want to end up a desperate old man. I'm not even 30 yet to date.

Maybe I should seriously consider beefing up my body in the gym. Nothing like a good 6 pack. But then people say that those muscle are just for show and it is a prove of your superficialness. Sigh. To tread on the fine line of being sophisticated and superficial is not an easy task.

11 August 2007


"Are we sex buddy?"
"We are more than that."
"Are we a couple?"
"We are less than that."
"What are we then?"
"We are us, you and me, two person enjoying each other's company."

Ambiguous relationship. Seems that alot of people hate those. But I believe in balance of the world, if there are alot of people hating something, there should be equally alot of people loving them.

What makes people like such a relationship? Exactly the indistinctness that makes it so interesting. Every date is like the first date. There is no talk of future, only the moment that matters. Is that not the essence of a good relationship? Commitments weights down a relationship. Maybe being a typical Sagittarius, I cherish my freedom above all else, but one can't blame the zodiac for everything. I guess it depends on what is it that you seek in a relationship. But then you realized that not many people knows what is it that they really want in a relationship. They merely want it because everyone else has it, failing to understand what other people is having. Hmm... so does people who like ambiguous relationship knows what they want or were they merely clueless of what they want? I guess it's like what the sunscreen song says, "don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't."

21 July 2007

Axcesticon - Ass, Sex, Tits and Cons

Yea... I've just seen the Top 17... well well.... last year there was Top 20, but this year there was only 17. Lack of participation or the quality is just not up to standard this year? Hmm...

From the shortlisted, we see that the taste of this year's preliminary judges lean more towards slim cute type instead of muscle type. Or, again, was it because of lack of participation? Maybe it's all hidden behind the cloth but somehow I doubt that there is much meat to be seen. Except maybe for a sneak preview to the meat hanging down there. There are alot of packages dangling there half tempting our imagination... Now it really stirs my imagination in wondering if any cock is awaken during the whole photo shoot?

This year also score some interesting names that you don't come across often. At the top of the list would probably be Justay (typo or real name?). Anyway in which case, I found that there is a m-yspace under the same name belonging to a 48 year old woman staying in Texas... and she is a lesbian... talk about coincidence. Coming up second is Kerou which reminds me of Keroro. Wason for Watson. And last but not least, Raven, which isn't really that rare a name, but I would expect him to be a mmorpg character instead, but cute nonetheless.

So, the total profiles I see now is 31800. On March 2006, I recorded a total profile of 13170 during one of my whimsical journaling session, which we can see increased thrice fold thus far. Does the gay population in Malaysia really increase this dramatically? Or was it merely a foul play? Do we expect similar increment for this year? Well, we will find out soon enough.

Who will win this year? What kind of bitching gossip would surface? Tune in for the next, probably never, installation of Axcesticon Review. Witness the ass, sex, tits and cons that would certainly keep you on edge.... for awhile anyway...

15 July 2007

Lesser of two evils

"When you are in a relationship as long as mine, you tend to lose interest of having sex with your partner and seek thrill outside."
"Does he knows?"
"I guess, but it was never discussed."
"Guess he must love you very much to tolerate this then."

Some might spit on this kind of person, those that seek sex outside of their relationship and wanting their partner to tolerate it. But you would be surprise on the numbers of couples that experience the same thing, merely for the continual of a relationship. It is not just gay relationship, similar things happens to straight relationship too. When was the last time you think your parents had sex? It’s just how a relationship grows into and how one choose to cope with it.

Why would people subject themselves to such torment? Could it be because they are tired of starting all over again in a relationship? If you are 18, you can afford to try again and again. But when you have tried so many times, failing so many times, reaching an age which the circle deems obsolete, you start to understand that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. It is often as good as it gets, and one need to know when to be satisfied with what one have and not dreaming for the impossible. For if you let it go, it might never come back again and that whatever follows might be worse then the previous one. End of the day, one become bitter. To quote a friend, you don’t marry the man you love, you learn to love the man you married.

Which is harder to come by, love or sex? We all knew the answer. But if one finds out that the person one love had sex with other people, one would without hesitation break out with the person out of spite and jealousy. You wonder why he could do such thing eventhough you know yourself that the sex was not as it was. Can you really blame him when the lust of each other’s body has dwindled? You can celibate, why can’t he? He can have sex with others, why can’t you? It’s an argument that goes nowhere.

Maybe if one is honest with their partner, it would solve the problem. No, it wouldn’t. Some things are not meant to be put on the table. You might know that you partner is having sex with someone else, but there is no comfort in knowing the truth. Ignorance is bliss. Why fool yourself? Because truth hurts more. If the truth spills out, can you afford to breakup the relationship and start all over again? Do you think you have another 5 years to cultivate what you have now? Are you sure that you would prefer not having anyone then to have an unfaithful someone eventhough it was just a fling? You sure you want to grow old alone? This said, do you still want to know the truth?

30 June 2007


It’s been awhile since I last properly sit down in front of the TV to watch a whole movie. I guess the lifestyle I have now are taking a toll of its own share. Elizabethtown stars Orlando Bloom. Someone to drool over endlessly. But goodlooking aside, the movie itself gives me some insight on life. I came upon it by chance while channel surfing and website hopping on a bored Friday night.

The movie begins with the encounter of Kirsten Dunst with Orlando Bloom on a flight and it develops into a relationship. Seeing how it all fall into place, one just can’t help but wonder if similar thing would happen in real life. It’s so hollywood that one could only ridiculed oneself into believing it. But if you think about it and reduce the dimension to suit our daily life, could it not happen? Every encounter with a stranger could develop into something if the circumstances allows it and one take hold of the chance.

Sometimes I wonder why so many people who wanted to be in a relationship fails to find it. I think it’s because that they are trying too hard. When you try too hard, you develop a certain ideas about how your partner should act, and that is often what breaks the relationship. From what I have noticed, a lasting relationship usually begins with something much simpler. Both party actually does not want to be in a relationship with the other on that moment. Some might even hate their current partner then but learn to love him later. Those are the successful examples around me. I don’t define successful as happily ever after, but a relationship that continues to grow strong and even when ended leave no regrets.

Life is a bitch and that’s just how things goes, the more you want it the more you are not going to get it.


We are just substitute people, that’s what Kirsten Dunst said in the movie. Substitute people are impossible to forget but hard to remember. They have less pressure. That’s sounds like an ideal relationship for me. To be substituting for someone else, but without the pressure for being that someone.

Substitute people don’t have happily ever after, their ending are unpredictable, but one thing for sure, their whole procession is filled with amazing experiences. Hmm... exactly motto in life.

10 June 2007

Regrettably so

I think I discriminated a fellow gay today in a chatroom today, though in my defence I think it was a mild one, the silent treatment I would call it. Anyway, was not totally happy about it but somehow it just came easily when the situation arise.

Gay are superficial. If someone where good looking with a great body, he would probably not make new friends with someone below his par regardless of how sincere he said he was about friendship. Does he really need a new friend that is not good looking and are of no sexual appeal to him? Does he really need another friend in the first place? Just think of what you yourself would do in the same circumstances. If that person is deem below par by you, would you really want to get to know him better? Some people might argue that they have friends that are not as good looking as themselves, but in this case I am not talking about normal person. I am referring to the group of people that most of the society discriminate upon, which was magnified in this circle. Whether it be chub, feminine, mature. If you are within the distribution of normal to above par, would you really want to befriend someone from below par when he approach you? Unless there is a particular fetish, most would do just as I said. I am not saying that it is something pretty or to agree upon, it's just that things are how it is. It's not wrong, it's just that most of us can't accept it.

The way I see it, gay would probably be accepted by the world in the future. But discrimination within the circle will never cease to exist at all. If it does, well, gays wouldn't be gays.

06 June 2007

Party and Play

Seems that it is a common practice among gays nowadays to party and play. Like everything else that you are not suppose to do, people do it not only for the fun of it but because of the thrill of doing something that you are not suppose to do. It is like the apple that was not meant to be eaten, it taste all the more delicious. Regardless of their background, education level and social status, people just do it.

Somehow gay tends to do it more often. A friend commented, "I'm gay and the society already does not accept me, so why not one more thing that it doesn't?" But is that a valid reason? Blaming of being gay, that's ridiculous. Should a person simply be summed up base on their sexual orientation? That's not fair. There are alot more to me then just being gay. We all know that, but if you yourself does not value yourself, who else would?

I do not deny that it was an enjoyable experience. But like everything else in the world, it is a pro and con equilibrium. You win some and you lose some. Simply because it is dangerous doesn't mean one cannot do it. A lot of things is dangerous. Smoking is dangerous. Drinking is dangerous. Speeding is dangerous. Even walking out to the street is dangerous. Even staying in door is dangerous too. So many things can happen that is dangerous. If it is meant to happen, no amount of prevention can stop it. Yet, consciously submitting yourself to possible complication are something that should be weighted out. One should always know the risk. I don't believe in right and wrong. I believe in deciding and accepting the outcome. If you have the nerve to do it, then you better have the guts to accept it. But that's on personal level, which I think is the important level. But then there are always those pesky people that disagrees with whatever we did. Just ignores them, the easiet thing to do.

08 May 2007

Ei elämästä selviä hengissä

Somehow the older you are, the less confuse you became about gay relationship. If you look at all the posts in axcest, you'll realized that it is the young people that declares their undying love, curse their unfaithful lover, cries out for their lover-to-be or make a dirty scene out of the whole thing, mostly. Older chap tends to laugh at it like sitcoms, wondering how much a fool they would make of themselves. It might sounds cruel but really, when you have witness enough drama in the circle, you tend to become numb and consider any love tantrum childish. I wonder if it is sad or just taking in the reality, somehow as gay, the older you are, the less fantasy you have about love.

Love is merely a shadow of what it was. We tend to be satisfied with good companionship instead of a loving life partner. Maybe once in awhile we will dream of that perfect guy that may or may not we met before, but like a bubble it burst and we return to our daily hectic life that revolves around constant dieting, gym and facial treatment. Being old and not having a good body in this circle usually spells death for your sex life, unless you become a bottom and are willing to endure peculiar fetishes... Or unless you are able to tell yourself that sex no longer appeals to you, there are much more interesting things to do in life then shagging...

In this case, wisdom does comes in time...

21 February 2007

Gay Homophobic

"Oh fuck!"
"This is awkward. Did not expect to see you here."
"Nor do I. Didn't know you are gay."
"That's because I didn't tell anyone. But you! Don't tell me the breakoff made you gay!"
"It was part of the reason."
"Shit... what now."

The world has a wicked sense of humour indeed. Just when you thought that you have the circle more or less worked out, it throws you into another dizzy whirlpool again. A friend once said that all men are gay until proven straight. Just because someone has girlfriends or are married with children doesn't mean that they are not gay. I'm not sure how I felt on this particular subject because this basically means that all men are gay...

It is true that I am gay. It is true that I enjoy being gay. It is true that I like gay sex. It is true that I am not ashame of myself because I am gay, eventhough I am not totally out of the closet. Bottom line is, I am who I am. But when it comes to finding out that a close friend who was previously straight has became gay now, it doesn't seem to make me any happier. Somehow I became concerned that if being gay is the right choice for him. Knowing very well what this circle has to offer, I have the urge to stop him where he is. To scream at him and tell him that it is not good to be gay. That it is sinful. That it would be the source of his misery for the remainer of his life. Suddenly I became a gay homophobic! The oxymoron of my life.

I guess I can finally understand why there are homophobic in this world. Why some parents, friends or siblings cannot accept homosexual. Maybe it is this sudden revelation of identity that tip us off, making us unable to adjust accordingly, or at all in some case. I have this genuine pain to see a dear friend turn gay. Unexplainable even when I am gay myself. I guess it is one thing to be gay, but totally different thing to find someone you know who became gay. The shock are identical for both straight and gay.

I think slow exposure is the key of helping people around you to accept that you are gay. Unless you are flamboyantly gay, most gay seems to be quite straight in straight's eye. Maybe not so in old timer but that's experience related. Opening to someone who is totally unprepared can be a disaster indeed. Most of the coming out stories usually involve friends who suspect their orientation but are totally agreeable with the choice we made. It is a two part formula, missing one would render it chaotic. Coming out to a suspecting but non-accepting friend would result in gossip. Coming out to an accepting but non-suspecting friend would result in mental breakdown. It always seems to be the case. I guess starting from this year I would have to prep myself so that I assume all my male friend are possibly gay with the chance of coming out anytime, anywhere. No, not anywhere... The venue is important. There are some place or social gathering not meant for this kind of shock... No, I am not gonna tell you where, think about it, I think you'll know.