31 May 2012

Chapter 1

I thought I caught him at the corner of my eyes but when I paused and turn my head around, it was not him walking by. And it hits me suddenly that I still miss him a lot. My heart aches every time I think about him, of all the pain that I have caused him. The feeling of guilt overwhelms me and my eyes watered slightly. I close my eye, took a deep breath and continue walking.

It's twenty pass seven in the evening. Just after office hour. The gym is starting to pack with people. I scanned my membership card at the counter and proceed to exchange it for two white towels. I run up the short steps onto the second floor and went into the male changing room. Men of different ages and shapes is changing inside. Some of them dashing, some of them disaster, but after coming here for nearly 6 years, I'm somehow unmoved by the sight of near naked men.

I took the water bottle out of and lock my bag inside. With the smaller towel flung over my right shoulder, I left the changing room and went back down to the first floor. The previous class hasn't finish yet, so I move to one of the machine to lift some weights. I thought to myself, if only I have done it properly, I would have a six pack by now, but then again, there are a lot of things that I should have done but never come about doing. That makes me think about him again. I push the feeling aside.

The class finish and the people inside came out. The next group went in to put their boards onto the floor. I went in, grab my boards and put it on my usual spot at the left corner. We all waiting for the step class instructor to come.

I've joined step class since I first joined this gym several years ago. I tried dancing too but then I found out that I can't dance. Instead, step turns into something that I am quite good at, from beginner class to advance class, I stepped up. I guess I can be consider a senior of the class, but of course everybody in here can follow the class well.

Seven fifty and he is late again but that his habit. I told him about my annoyance of him being late, but he jokingly explains to me that it's the diva in him, so I have to accept it. I did. I met him in this exact class, and I have to admit that I joined the class because of him. He was cute. I was thrill when I had a chance to play with him in bed. It's kind of like dream come true back then. After that we kept our promiscuous relationship and remained friends with benefits. I have feelings for him, but it never to blossom into anything. I was disappointed once, but now I'm glad that it didn't.

Finally he came in right before the class started and put his board on the other end of the room. The music starts. He saw me and motion for us to go for dinner later. I nod my head and then turn my attention to the class.

29 May 2012

What's right?

I have never been good with dates. I have forgotten when exactly it happens. Sometimes it feels like ages ago, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Regardless, the emotion remains strong. I've tried to explain to myself that it's karma, I've tried convincing myself that I am in control, I even tried to be delusional. But alas, there is a revelation out of all these still, at least for now.

Is there a reason to all these self explanation? It serves to calm myself every time it turns into a turmoil inside. It seems that I need to justify my own action. I realize that there is a consequences to all the things done, but at this point in my life, consequences is the last thing in my mind. I tell myself, what is there to care about, I have been forsaken. What is your life to do with me? But then, this tiny voice inside my head whisper to me, saying that I should not let others bear this pain that I feel. I guess I have some conscience left in me. But still, I don't seem to make the right decision eventhough I know what's the right thing to do. Curious how perverted the mind can be when death weights so heavily onto one.

26 May 2012










24 May 2012

The One That Got Away

Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on, In another life, I would be your boy, be us against the world.

22 May 2012


《 再见我的爱人 》温柔的情,热哄的心,甜蜜的吻,醉人的歌声,我会永远爱你在心底。

16 May 2012

What Works

Why do people resort to extreme practices or habits to escape the pain that they feel inside? Because it works. Eventhough it only works while so ever shortly, which is why it turns into an addiction. The truth is that they know the implication of their action, but during that particular time of sorrow and pain, what they want is only to forget their pain. Once they are sober again and the pain starts to eat them up inside once more, they dwell back into their extremities yet again. Repeating the whole vicious cycle until one day, the pain was long forgotten but the addiction remains. We look at them and say, you have lost your direction. We can no longer hear the ghostly past that haunts them and their blank stares buried their pain deep within. We judge them, not understanding the pain they have to endure, we thought that they have lost their common sense, but we ourselves forgot that when we are hurting, what we held onto is not common sense but a lack of any senses.

07 May 2012



03 May 2012

Bersih 3.0

I was at the Berish 3.0 rally for a different reason, but I was there nonetheless. I waited and walked to Merdeka Square like the rest, and felt the tear gas too, although I count myself lucky as I only catch a slight stink of the awful weapon used.

The truth is I don't really care about electoral reform or how corrupted the current government is. For one, I leave no children behind, thus whatever happens has no consequences to me. Eventhough I have other family members here, but it doesn't seem to matter that much to me. I guess that is how some gay feels too. But then again, I know of other gays that feels strongly towards this cause, and I applaud them for it. Someone has to do it, if it's not me, than it is somebody else. But still, that doesn't stop me from feeling disturbed by the things that happened on that day, through the viewing of the videos posted. Do I smell jasmine? I hope not.