What's right?

I have never been good with dates. I have forgotten when exactly it happens. Sometimes it feels like ages ago, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Regardless, the emotion remains strong. I've tried to explain to myself that it's karma, I've tried convincing myself that I am in control, I even tried to be delusional. But alas, there is a revelation out of all these still, at least for now.

Is there a reason to all these self explanation? It serves to calm myself every time it turns into a turmoil inside. It seems that I need to justify my own action. I realize that there is a consequences to all the things done, but at this point in my life, consequences is the last thing in my mind. I tell myself, what is there to care about, I have been forsaken. What is your life to do with me? But then, this tiny voice inside my head whisper to me, saying that I should not let others bear this pain that I feel. I guess I have some conscience left in me. But still, I don't seem to make the right decision eventhough I know what's the right thing to do. Curious how perverted the mind can be when death weights so heavily onto one.