27 April 2010

Pride & Prejudice

There remains a certain pride among the gay community in saying, "I don't look gay". I am not saying that there is anything wrong in looking gay, but the general association is that gay is sissy, and that itself is not being look upon as a positive trait. It is interesting to note that gay people are often so critical towards effeminacy yet they themselves cry foul when homosexuality is called into question. Human are very selective indeed.

Another general association is that gay people don't like sports or video games. I guess going to gym for weight training is not consider a sport, regardless of how competitive some people are in getting the best physique. Oh, spare me the talk about it making you feel great etc, we all know there are hidden agendas in the form of getting hookups. I also assume that playing dota, halo or cs is bloody enough that only straight man would be interested in them. Furthermore, anything artistic especially in the form of fashion is also associated with gays. It's funny that if you say you like to cook or bake, people would associate it with being gay, but if that is a profession, then it is alright for a man to be involved in the culinary world.

Often people will tell me that others do not suspect them being gay because of their past. Nobody would suspect that they are gay because they have been active in school. Prefects maybe, sports maybe and of course my all time favorite, I have girl friend(s) when I was in school/college/university, they might even screwed a girl or two. 1 for the gay folks, take that straight man!

So why are these people gay now? Most of them resort to the vague explanation of having feeling for a certain man, and of course later involve the fascination with the male genital. So, ends up all the bullshit about them being head boy, football team captain, attached with girls has really nothing to do with deterring them from being gay. So, why do people still take pride in not looking gay because of all these things that has nothing to do with their sexuality in the first place?

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us. So by not looking gay, I wonder if that is gay pride or merely gay vanity.

20 April 2010

The Road Not Taken

"Do you still want to be in a relationship?"
"You know, I like the feeling of going after someone, but not really a big fan of being with someone."
"But the purpose of going after someone is to be with him in the end."
"Yeah, but when you settled with someone, a whole lot of mess just spring up and would be such a bitch to live through."
"You have commitment issues."
"Maybe. But don't you agree that people usually complains about the relationship once they are settled together. People don't bitch about those things when they are merely seeing each other."
"That's what relationship is about."
"Which is why I don't think I'll go into a full fledged relationship anytime soon."
"Typical PLU."
"By typical, you are referring to yourself too you know."

I find myself contemplating what kind of relationship I would want to involve myself in. It seems that I am discontented with the idea of typical gay relationship. Some aim for that one and only man that he shall spend the remaining of his life with. Some are bitter towards men that they have lost themselves in the pain that men had caused them. Some men are in open relationship, and by open, they merely need more sexual option. Some men has forsake the possibility of love and emerge themselves in other aspect of life. What do I want?

Like any greedy man, I wanted to leave my options open. But like most greedy man, I am unable to cope with the stress that comes with keeping my options open. To juggle between different men whether it be relationship or sex, are equally demanding and exhausting. We always want to believe we can handle all the options, but truth is, most of us only end up messing the whole thing instead. But then, we never learn, do we? Either that, or people get so badly hurt, they never recover. It is always the two extreme, where is the normal distribution of a statistical common bell shape curve?

Ask not for any return and you shall be contented with life. Would that work in a relationship? That I were to be nearly wanting to get close to you but not expecting you to reciprocate any feeling, would that not make me a fool instead? But a fool is often happy as long as he remains a fool. Maybe a little paradigm shift is in need, it's not foolishly happy in love, but to see of it as the path of happiness by choosing to act the fool in love. It makes sense, does it not?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

In the end, it is really what we feel that matter most.