28 December 2008

Pots & Kettles

"Would you have sex with your best friend?"
"Ew, no. He is like brother. That's incest."
"Would you have sex with your best friend's boyfriend?"
"That is so wrong. I'll kick his balls if he dares to ask."
"Would you have sex with Keanu Reeve?"
"I can consider him, but he is a bit old. But Shayne Ward, now he is hot."
"If your best friend or his boyfriend is Shayne Ward, would you have sex with him?"

The only reason one gay man do not have sex with another man is because he is not sexually appealing. It's not because he is straight, or because he is a close friend, or that he is attached. The plain fact is that he does not stir your groin. There might be a slight difference between thinking about it and actually doing it, but that difference only matters if you are attached. Even so, why think so highly of yourself?

24 December 2008

Gluttony for Pain

I chanced upon a particular website that caters to a very specific group of sexual interest, that which was bondage/discipline. It was an eye opener. I have of course seen porns involving similar subjects but to see amateur pictures of people bounded, gagged and caged, it sends a different kind of testosterone rush into the body. Try as I to immerse myself into this subculture, I found myself unable to adjust to it after reading on what members wrote on their profile. From what I have gathered, sex is not the main object of their endeavor, contrary to the common believe that gays are sex maniac. It can be part of the whole bondage ritual, yet it is the bondage that matters to them. As one guy aptly put it, you can find sex everywhere else but this is not what he signed up for.

What amazed me was the amount of trust one puts in his partner, a trust even beyond those of lovers, called Master & Slave. A name that sounds so barbaric, yet widely accepted. Imagined yourself being bounded and gagged, being helpless and defenseless. It totally goes against a human's natural instinct to protect themselves. I do admit that there was a primordial satisfaction to see someone submit themselves in such manner, but what of those who were lying there bounded? Do there feel calm as those who submit themselves to God? Or does it fire up their libido? I was left puzzled. I guess one needs to go through the whole ritual in order to appreciate it. To feel the euphoria of constrained and control.

But as I venture deeper into the realm of bondage, I was introduced to the reality of fisting, which send shiver up and down my spine every time a profile showed an image of someone being fisted. An asshole, literally, I have experience with, but to have a frontal view of a human rectum through his fully opened anus, that image haunts me still. Anal sex is shining in a different light right now.

Oh, and there are actually quite a following in Malaysia for this when Asia is compared as a whole. A few are all geared up to send those willing on a trip of gluttony for pain and constrain.

25 November 2008


Sometimes lying is inevitable even when there is no reason to lie, when being truthful doesn’t hurt anybody, yet we chose to lie. It simply provided the easiest way out of a situation, which we believe to be irrelevant to the other person.

Know that a circle, no matter geometry, professional or gay, has a well define boundary. You are bound to bump into the truth when someone lied to you in a circle, whether it’s intentional or not. There were times when I glimpse truth just by listening to what was said by others. Those moments of truth allows me to pierce through the veil and I often proud myself of being such perceptive until it hit me today that what goes around comes around. When you can see truth through another person, so can others pierce through your pretension through the same person.

Such person exist everywhere, we all have the potential of becoming one. It was never intentional but serendipity, well, they work charm. Like it or not, truths, like lies, are sometimes manipulated for personal gain.

09 November 2008




一日道,二曰天,三日地,四日将 ,五日法。胜负取决于你钩法的运用和你本身的心态。如果你自己不认为自己能的话,难道帅哥会投怀送抱?想的美。。。当然,有信心和成功是两马子的事,不能混为一谈,但至少没有输了个势。

02 November 2008


A friend decides to start a relationship with someone in his early twenties. He meets the friend's physical requirements of a boyfriend and he seems to have a matured thinking, which is where all hell nearly break loose. It seems that maturity holds different meaning for people at different age. I don't think that people in their early twenties are childish or tend to throw tantrums, as I was in that age myself and would think that I was matured back then. But the truth is, people at different age looks at daily life differently. We have different level of importance, punctuality, cleanliness, politeness and the list go on. Even people in the same age group do not agreed upon a set of standards, how could cross-age people shares common understanding. 

Granted, it is for the two to work things out between themselves, but then you realized that some things just cannot be accommodated. When you are at a certain age, we require the person that we are going to share our life with to act in a certain way, sometimes failing to realize that it is something accumulated through experience as we age, which our younger counterparts might lack. Or that we are merely in a different phase in life, we have done wild things and now cherish the quiet moments in life, but for them, life just started, who are we to rob them of this freedom?

24 October 2008



11 October 2008

Ignorance Is Bliss

"Have you never wish that you were normal?"
"In what way am I not normal?"
"I mean, don't you wish that you were straight?"
"Hmm... never really thought about that."
"Have you thought about getting married and having children?"
"I like children, but raising them? No... that's why I don't have pets."

I guess I have always been naive growing up. Looking back, it seems like a blessing to me now. I have never question my own sexuality. I have never wonder why I am gay. Nor am I interested in knowing the reason. Some friends has been growing up tortured. Wondering why that they are gay, reading on scraps of information available to them back then when the internet is still in its infancy, telling them about their own sexuality. Some points to the lack of father figure in their life, some says that they were born with it. They desperately seeking to understand themselves, which in turn bring forth dilemmas and torments.

At some point in my life, I come to consider that being gay is simply a way of life for me. Someone once told me that it's all about perception and I agree with him that how you live your life, gay or straight, is how you perceive it. But as perception goes, there are different perspective about perception. It's no longer about right or wrong, it's all about your own acceptance. My perception might be so forth but that doesn't mean it would suits you. You might disagree with the lifestyle I lead but that I certainly doesn't give a damn. I think of it as a progression of mindset from understanding to accepting yourself to accepting others and realizing that it is their choice to live that way, however much we do not agree with it. 

The friend told me later that if people around him were to find out that he was gay, he would probably move to another country or commit suicide. I guess I would mourn him if I know that he commits suicide but then again, I would respect his choice in life regardless of how I perceive his decision. 

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.

05 October 2008




06 September 2008


Many people cannot grasp the concept of a long distance relationship. They feel that if they were to be attached, they would want to be able to see the person in real whenever and wherever they want. To share their life in the presence of each other. It is true that being apart give rise to the possibilities of infidelity but I seriously believe that I don't need to be an ocean apart to fool around. It is not the physical distance that matters, it is emotional distance, the distance between two hearts that matters. If both person love each other and hold their vow sacred, there wouldn't be any issue on infidelity. 

And then there were those who simply prefer a variety in their sex life rather then a dull staple. I wouldn't bet on anyone changing their mindset, sex can be addictive. Love and sex is two separate things for them. One can have sex with anybody but not love anybody. It might be an alien concept to many people who believe in love divine, but, really, how you missed out on all the fun. In the end, it is merely fun for them. Nothing more and nothing less. And this had nothing to do with the distance of the relationship. It is on the person that you are with or the person that you are yourself.

Do you want to find out whether he has fool around? It would be either confrontation or acknowledgement. Would that make your feel better? Maybe in the long run you'll be out of it, but how many of us can really get out once messed up?

01 September 2008





13 August 2008

Guide to Lying

To lie is human, not getting caught is divine. You are a liar if you were caught lying, you'll be a saint if you lie without being caught. The perfect boyfriend can be the perfect boyfriend or he could very well be someone who were yet to be caught lying. If you want to lie, make sure you know how to lie properly. The least that you could do is to cover your tracks. Telephone records, sms, browsing history, please learn to clear them. Tools>Option>History>Clear. It's freaking simple.

Don't shit where you eat. If you want to sleep with someone else, don't sleep on the same bed your boyfriend is going to sleep, no matter how impossible it is for him to find out. You never know when the next guy might just decided to cling to you instead, then you'll wish you never brought him home. Life has a way to turn it all against you.

Lying is a spiral of despair. Once you lied, you have to make up more lies to cover it, which is where people found out that you lied. Instead, choose not to tell the whole truth instead. Did you sleep with you him? I wouldn't dream of sleeping with him! See the catch here, you didn't dream to sleep with him as you have already slept with him. Technicality.

Lying is a fine art. It is easy to learn but hard to master.

03 August 2008





22 July 2008

Living in Oxymoronia

Among the many things that people said about me was that I don't look gay, which at first glance sounds like a good thing, but it's actually not. Being a gay man that looks straight means that most gay men wouldn't have notice you unless you are exceptionally good looking or has a body to die for, which I have neither. With little to no glimpse and glances, that roughly translates to zero encounters. No stalkers, no admirers, no nothing. Whether I want the attention or not is besides the point, the point is that you wouldn't have thought that I am gay if I were to be hanging around you. You see the irony there? There I am but there I am not.

Not that there were no attention, just not the right kind of attention. Succumbing to the natural law that the opposite attracts, a straight gay man tends to attracts the attention of girls. Rejecting a girl without telling her about your own sexuality can be a daunting task. As a matter of fact, telling her about your sexuality might not be the best course of action. Although it was said that girls are more likely to accept gays, it doesn't really cover the guys that they have a crush on. You try to be not that good a person but somehow people still think that you deserve a good girl. There I may not be yet somehow I'm there.

13 July 2008





04 July 2008


"Are there gay bars there?"
"There were a few. You didn't visit any?"
"No. Didn't know where they were."
"I see."
"I heard that anal sex is punishable by death there. Is it true?"
"Haha... did you had anal sex while you are here?"
"No. I don't want to die."
"Haha... well, for your information, anal sex is not punishable by death here. Where did you hear this from?"
"From some American friends."
"And you believe them?"
"I can't judge since I don't live there."

This comes from a random chatter from China. I would have continue sarcastically if I have not grown to be as, ahem, mature in thinking (aka lazy) as I am now. But what amazed me was the fact that people can be so ignorant and willing to believe what Americans said, reminds me of our not so distant pass, that people believe that Malaysians live on trees.

14 June 2008




08 June 2008

Coming of Age

Somehow, I'm feeling old lately and have not been able to shake it off. Eventhough many has assured me otherwise, I guess being near to yet another turning point in life makes one jitters, although I have no idea how it comes about. I could probably blame it on the people that I have come to know lately. Many are in their early twenties, some even only barely legal of age. But eventhough they are young, it surprise me to find that they are quite mature in their own way and it triggers me to recall about myself when I was their age. I certainly can't say that I'm on par with them when I was their age. Come to think of it, I was rather dubious in life back then. Hmm... I'm still dubious in life now actually. wtf.

Acronyms. Another thing that I picked up from them which are really bad. My peers hardly uses them. It's bad enough that I have cute emoticons stashed on my msn, I have come to speak their language too. Some might consider me desperate for young flesh or worse a pedophile. Yikes. Come to think of it, when I was their age, they were just kids that might not even be tall enough to ride a roller coaster. See how they grow. Damn, I does sounds like a pedophile. lmao.

I guess I have always come to term with my own sexuality. But with more and more friends getting married and having kids, I sometimes wonder if I should just jump on the bandwagon too. Sure, there are the usual comments that a gay man can never be straight and that we should not ruin a girls life or maybe leaving bad impacts to the family. That we should not be selfish. Yadda yadda yadda. In this dog-eat-dog world, it's every man for himself. I've never believed in playing by the rules anyway. And I guess if I was to conform to the standard morality, I wouldn't be gay in the first place. But those are philosophical debates for other times.

01 June 2008






25 May 2008

Infatuation of the Big Tool

Hypothetically speaking, regardless of your position preference, if you have two equally gorgeous naked men standing before you, one with a standard Asian size of stone hard 5.5 inch while another is raging monster at nearly 7 inch, who would you pick to satisfy your primordial lust?

We always says that it is not the size that matters, it's how you use it that matters. But this is only true after you experienced the tool first hand as to how well it perform. Then, why do we naturally go for a bigger tool? For many a bottoms, it might be because it provides them the satisfaction of reaching the g-spot, although many have commented that it is really how you use it that truly matters.

For tops, it really doesn't matter unless he likes to oral. Granted, it feel much better to hump someone with a hardon then to have it dangling about, but it is an acceptable fact that sometimes a bottom can't get hard while being entered. So why are tops equally infatuated with big tools too? I really have no idea why, somehow it just is.

It is bad enough that we discriminate ourselves base on age, look, body size and what-not, we are even scrutinized base on our tool size. There really is no ending to perfection that gay seeks.

PS: Thanks for the concern, but my size is not your concern unless you want it inside you. Bleh~

20 April 2008


这种人我只能报以一句 - 你是谁?





06 April 2008





22 March 2008

Encounter of A Pathetic Kind

Out of the blue, someone says hi to me on msn. He was not on my list and I have not the faintest recollection about his email address. He is probably someone that I've exchanged msn contacts and have not really chatted before and were swept out during one of my msn cleaning. Anyhow, he was not blocked, just deleted, so he is not someone that I consider psycho.

Practicing the usual chat etiquette, we traded stats. Standing at 175cm and weighing at 70kg, he is either beef up or over weight. I have my bets on the later as I would definitely remember a muscle guy. Following the chat protocol, I move on to requesting his picture. He in return ask for mine, which is well within the expected reaction according to the protocol. We agreed to trade and show our picture on the msn screen. A familiar picture suddenly pops out. The person in the picture was not someone I personally knows, instead he was a friend's friend. I got to know him because he is quite high profile by my standard. But the problem is, the person in the picture is well over 6 feet tall while the person that I was talking to is less then 5 feet 8. It strikes me then that someone is impersonating someone else. It is not the first time that I encounter such people, but really, if you were to pretend to be someone else, at least get your basic information right.

If one were to pretend to be someone else in real life, one are call a con artist. But if one were just doing it online, I think we could aptly call them a pathetic loser. It is very likely that this kind of people has very low self esteem, probably very much superficially based. They probably don't have much friends either, because although we live in a superficial world, the inner beauty still weights alot. Just because someone is over weight or not having the best looking feature doesn't mean that the person does not have any friends. Anybody who think that way are probably even more pathetic.

I believe that it is because of this low self esteem along with lack of friends that made them pretends to be someone else, so that they can be accepted, albeit a misinformed one. They can only wish against wish that their cover is not blown. I doubt that they are doing that to get laid, because they obviously cannot meet in person since they are not the person we want to get laid with.

What would my advice be for this kind of person? I would probably tell them to get a life, but then again, if getting a life is so easy for them, they wouldn't be impersonating someone on the internet. Instead, I think the best course of action would probably be getting in touch with your spiritual belief, either delve into dharma or submit yourself to God. I wouldn't suggest self-help motivation books or religious reading material, because they might misinterpret it. They need a guiding light to enlightenment.

The guy actually has a cam, which I was privileged to view. I was abit surprise that he turn his cam on, but then the scene that came to sight was a pair of boobs over a layered stomach. He got offline before he show me his face and I deleted him from my msn list. I guess after seeing the body made me even more determine to delete him from my list. I guess I'm guilty of being superficial myself.

21 March 2008


Socializing in this circle is a very delicate maneuver. This circle being small as it is, even though with many people still in the closet and all, it's hard not to know someone who knew someone else you knew. Adrian, whom you met in the chatroom, might knew Brian, who was your ex, Calvin's good friend, Daniel's colleague, whom you are still in contact with which has a godbrother, Ethan, whom is one your of ons, Frank's sexbuddy. If you were to put an effort in linking everybody together, you'll be amazed as to how connected you are to the world. Or how messed up you are... depending on how you want to look it anyway.

Some of us prefer to maintain a certain level of discreetness. Maybe they are shy, maybe they are closeted, maybe they are ugly, maybe they are your siblings who knew you were openly gay, maybe they are all of the above, regardless, for people who has a reason to be discreet, socializing in the circle can be daunting. Chatters nowadays are usually incline to ignore people who does not show their face pic, even a nicely build 6 pack can only last you so long. You really does not have any reason whatsoever nowadays to not have a face pic in the world wide web in this technologically advance century. So it become a matter of choice whether you want to show your face to the circle. I believe that if one were to show their face pic openly in any gay channel, they are already half way out of the closet. At least all the gay knows.

The gay brotherhood, or some aptly called it the sisterhood, is a strong band of men who can usually bitch better then a bunch of hags. A true band of brothers would have discussed about not only their daily events, but also their sexual adventure. Some bands of brothers even knew first hand how good the other is in bed. Although it is a commonly held rule to not kiss and tell, many of us let our mouth flab. The brotherhood might be discussing the best method to bulk up, when a certain reference to a certain well built man might somehow lead to someone well endowed, and ultimately lead to ons encounters where the latest trophy was displayed. I believe that most of us has an IQ over 180 seeing that we can seemingly figure out complex correlation between each gay men.

05 March 2008


It was an out of body experience. I look at things in a third person perspective. The things that this person is familiar with, concepts that surfaced, objects that materialized and names that came along, it all seem familiar yet strange at the same time. I was amazed and disgusted for the things that this person lust for. It was such an alien concept to me but yet I understand how significant it was for the person involved.

And then things started to sink in and fall into place. I was distressed that this dissociation would continues forever, that I would never regain myself. There was panic I think, I tried to remember myself. I tried to remind myself of my worth. But alas, nothing seems to pull me back. Despair creeps in but then it was overwhelm by a sense of calm. The willingness to accept the consequences. A distorted enlightenment came to me, I understand the why of things. The sense of tranquility of losing yourself in the moment, of savoring the bodily lust, of forgetting the essence of humanity. If it were to continue forever, I seem not to mind the severe consequences there and then.

Sudden as it came, gone it was too without notice, I came back out. I regained myself. I was glad to come back but I was also eager to return. I was happy to regain myself but were not sorry to lose it in the beginning.

04 March 2008







13 February 2008








25 January 2008


What drives a gay relationship? Passion. A whirlwind of love and lust mixed together. Many gays thinks that stability is what they want in a relationship. Harmonies, balance, understanding and caring for each other until the end of time. All this would be the basic building block of a happy family, a happy, normal, straight family, one that we are brought up to believe in. But, the rules of gay relationship does not work this way. Gays does not strive in harmonies, we live for the turmoil in our life. We contradict basic society norms just by being ourselves, so why are we delusional to believe that the happy family formulation works for us too?

We are a screwed lot. We live for the pain. The pain of having anal sex. The pain in knowing that we shared our bf. The pain of endlessly seeking a compatible partner. Many of us seems to fall for the wrong type of guy. The quiet type are attracted by the party animal. The philosophical type are attracted by the muscle hunk. The love seeker ending up with the fun seeker. We keep reminding ourselves that we will not fall for the type of guys we disdain, but somehow when love strikes, we lost all our common sense and principals. Only when it ends that we start questioning ourselves why were we so foolish and blinded. And we vow not to repeat the same mistake again. Then falling into it yet once again. A vicious cycle.

18 January 2008




12 January 2008

Omnia vanitas

I don't mind chatting with new people. But sometimes gay man has some very weird ideas about life, especially gay life, in general. I'm especially allergic to the so called new gays. Those that are curious about the circle, have some grand ideas about relationship and are probably very inexperience sex wise. They like to ask question about sex. How does it feel like to top someone? How does it feel like to be bottom? What is like to have threesome? I usually opt for the standard answer, "You go try and you know lo." Seriously, how am I suppose to answer these questions? Shyness aside, one could probably get better ideas through pornographic literature then asking a random stranger on a chatroom, albeit an experience stranger....

A good chat, like a good poem, is hard to come by. Not only because most chatters are only looking to hookup, but both must also be able to connect in order to carry on a chat. The standard procedure during chat are to exchange stats followed by your picture. Of course one could be eliminated if the figure does not telly in the first place, simply known as not with toned shape. Then if you are not good looking enough, people will also tend to ignore you. Many people say that outlook is not important but that's really bullshit. I don't buy that.

For the rest of the world who are just plain joe, we sometimes fantasize how good it would be if only we're good looking. All the attention, all the sex, all the other good looking people we would surround ourselves with. But I wonder, is that really how they think? Personally I think it is sad if people want to know me just to get into my pants, simply being a trophy on someone's wall. But then again, I'm not in the league, and having a good looking guy as a trophy regardless of the circumstances, is something to gloat at.

06 January 2008