28 December 2008

Pots & Kettles

"Would you have sex with your best friend?"
"Ew, no. He is like brother. That's incest."
"Would you have sex with your best friend's boyfriend?"
"That is so wrong. I'll kick his balls if he dares to ask."
"Would you have sex with Keanu Reeve?"
"I can consider him, but he is a bit old. But Shayne Ward, now he is hot."
"If your best friend or his boyfriend is Shayne Ward, would you have sex with him?"
"..."

The only reason one gay man do not have sex with another man is because he is not sexually appealing. It's not because he is straight, or because he is a close friend, or that he is attached. The plain fact is that he does not stir your groin. There might be a slight difference between thinking about it and actually doing it, but that difference only matters if you are attached. Even so, why think so highly of yourself?

24 December 2008

Gluttony for Pain

I chanced upon a particular website that caters to a very specific group of sexual interest, that which was bondage/discipline. It was an eye opener. I have of course seen porns involving similar subjects but to see amateur pictures of people bounded, gagged and caged, it sends a different kind of testosterone rush into the body. Try as I to immerse myself into this subculture, I found myself unable to adjust to it after reading on what members wrote on their profile. From what I have gathered, sex is not the main object of their endeavor, contrary to the common believe that gays are sex maniac. It can be part of the whole bondage ritual, yet it is the bondage that matters to them. As one guy aptly put it, you can find sex everywhere else but this is not what he signed up for.

What amazed me was the amount of trust one puts in his partner, a trust even beyond those of lovers, called Master & Slave. A name that sounds so barbaric, yet widely accepted. Imagined yourself being bounded and gagged, being helpless and defenseless. It totally goes against a human's natural instinct to protect themselves. I do admit that there was a primordial satisfaction to see someone submit themselves in such manner, but what of those who were lying there bounded? Do there feel calm as those who submit themselves to God? Or does it fire up their libido? I was left puzzled. I guess one needs to go through the whole ritual in order to appreciate it. To feel the euphoria of constrained and control.

But as I venture deeper into the realm of bondage, I was introduced to the reality of fisting, which send shiver up and down my spine every time a profile showed an image of someone being fisted. An asshole, literally, I have experience with, but to have a frontal view of a human rectum through his fully opened anus, that image haunts me still. Anal sex is shining in a different light right now.

Oh, and there are actually quite a following in Malaysia for this when Asia is compared as a whole. A few are all geared up to send those willing on a trip of gluttony for pain and constrain.

25 November 2008

Truth

Sometimes lying is inevitable even when there is no reason to lie, when being truthful doesn’t hurt anybody, yet we chose to lie. It simply provided the easiest way out of a situation, which we believe to be irrelevant to the other person.

Know that a circle, no matter geometry, professional or gay, has a well define boundary. You are bound to bump into the truth when someone lied to you in a circle, whether it’s intentional or not. There were times when I glimpse truth just by listening to what was said by others. Those moments of truth allows me to pierce through the veil and I often proud myself of being such perceptive until it hit me today that what goes around comes around. When you can see truth through another person, so can others pierce through your pretension through the same person.

Such person exist everywhere, we all have the potential of becoming one. It was never intentional but serendipity, well, they work charm. Like it or not, truths, like lies, are sometimes manipulated for personal gain.

09 November 2008

帅哥攻略

我们普遍上对帅哥都有一种歧视。我们都巴不得他们帅,都认为他们是肤浅的,爱慕虚荣的,不会珍惜爱他们的人。不能否认确实有些人仗着他们的帅气为所欲为,但笼统的归类帅哥对他们有点不公,因为不是每个帅哥都是这样的。人之初,性本善,世界没有这样黑暗。如果你每每遇到的帅哥都是这样的话,你应该考虑转移你的朋友圈子吧。

很多人面对帅哥的时候都有一种自卑感。他们会觉得帅哥是一种不同种类的生物。他们可以和帅哥们混为朋友但却步于更进一步的交往因为他们都认为帅哥不会看的起他们,不会考虑根他们交往。其实如果你的样子不是太过抱歉的话,要把帅哥弄成你的囊中物也不难。帅哥也是人一个,他们在情感上的需要跟普通人一样,所谓万法归宗,钩帅哥跟钩普通人是大同小异的。有智慧地投其所好,嘘寒问暖,若即若离都能把帅哥玩弄于鼓掌。

一日道,二曰天,三日地,四日将 ,五日法。胜负取决于你钩法的运用和你本身的心态。如果你自己不认为自己能的话,难道帅哥会投怀送抱?想的美。。。当然,有信心和成功是两马子的事,不能混为一谈,但至少没有输了个势。

02 November 2008

Maturity

A friend decides to start a relationship with someone in his early twenties. He meets the friend's physical requirements of a boyfriend and he seems to have a matured thinking, which is where all hell nearly break loose. It seems that maturity holds different meaning for people at different age. I don't think that people in their early twenties are childish or tend to throw tantrums, as I was in that age myself and would think that I was matured back then. But the truth is, people at different age looks at daily life differently. We have different level of importance, punctuality, cleanliness, politeness and the list go on. Even people in the same age group do not agreed upon a set of standards, how could cross-age people shares common understanding. 

Granted, it is for the two to work things out between themselves, but then you realized that some things just cannot be accommodated. When you are at a certain age, we require the person that we are going to share our life with to act in a certain way, sometimes failing to realize that it is something accumulated through experience as we age, which our younger counterparts might lack. Or that we are merely in a different phase in life, we have done wild things and now cherish the quiet moments in life, but for them, life just started, who are we to rob them of this freedom?

24 October 2008

帅哥绝缘体

我发现我越来越不希望认识帅哥了,就连多看他们几眼我也有点抗拒了。原因很简单,帅哥只有当下的第一眼才好看,看久了就变的不这么帅去了,有些更完全掉出帅哥榜。每个星期去健身房碰见的帅哥变的普通去了,更不辛地认识了几个帅哥但却被他们的思考行为举动给弄的我开始相信上天是公平的,原来好看的人都有缺点,这都不是酸葡萄心理。但是丑人也多作怪,那些我很丑可是我有内在美的性格却往往让我敬而远之。看来我还是应该锻炼成为帅哥绝缘体以保持帅哥们在我的性幻想里保有一席地位,要不然就只有走回不需要用手的日子了。。。好累哦。。。

11 October 2008

Ignorance Is Bliss

"Have you never wish that you were normal?"
"In what way am I not normal?"
"I mean, don't you wish that you were straight?"
"Hmm... never really thought about that."
"Have you thought about getting married and having children?"
"I like children, but raising them? No... that's why I don't have pets."

I guess I have always been naive growing up. Looking back, it seems like a blessing to me now. I have never question my own sexuality. I have never wonder why I am gay. Nor am I interested in knowing the reason. Some friends has been growing up tortured. Wondering why that they are gay, reading on scraps of information available to them back then when the internet is still in its infancy, telling them about their own sexuality. Some points to the lack of father figure in their life, some says that they were born with it. They desperately seeking to understand themselves, which in turn bring forth dilemmas and torments.

At some point in my life, I come to consider that being gay is simply a way of life for me. Someone once told me that it's all about perception and I agree with him that how you live your life, gay or straight, is how you perceive it. But as perception goes, there are different perspective about perception. It's no longer about right or wrong, it's all about your own acceptance. My perception might be so forth but that doesn't mean it would suits you. You might disagree with the lifestyle I lead but that I certainly doesn't give a damn. I think of it as a progression of mindset from understanding to accepting yourself to accepting others and realizing that it is their choice to live that way, however much we do not agree with it. 

The friend told me later that if people around him were to find out that he was gay, he would probably move to another country or commit suicide. I guess I would mourn him if I know that he commits suicide but then again, I would respect his choice in life regardless of how I perceive his decision. 

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.

05 October 2008

离歌

"长痛不如短痛,如果你不爱他了,你就应该告诉他。"
"你又不是他,你又怎么知道长痛不如短痛呢?"
"我是过来人,我当然知道。"
"过来人,你从哪里走过来啊?左边还是右边?"
"感情不是儿戏。"
"我像在玩吗?"
"一脚踏两船还不算玩?"
"那你要我怎样?"
"你不爱他就应该分手啊。"
"没听过吗,宁教人打仔,莫教人分妻。不要多管闲事好不好。"
"他是一个好人,我不能忍受你这样愚弄他的感情。我看不下去啊。"
"那就不要看啊。去管你自己就好了。"

因为经历过了所以才知道痛。因为痛过所以才知道什么是应该,什么是不应该。经历是多么个人的一件事但却能够那么随意的盖在别人身上。己所不欲,勿施于人。那么己所欲,则施于人?每个人对快乐的追求是不一样的,为何我们非得看到我们的朋友和我们一样快乐呢?对他们来说,我们真的快乐吗?为何我们总把我们的理想冠盖在别人身上?

06 September 2008

Distance

Many people cannot grasp the concept of a long distance relationship. They feel that if they were to be attached, they would want to be able to see the person in real whenever and wherever they want. To share their life in the presence of each other. It is true that being apart give rise to the possibilities of infidelity but I seriously believe that I don't need to be an ocean apart to fool around. It is not the physical distance that matters, it is emotional distance, the distance between two hearts that matters. If both person love each other and hold their vow sacred, there wouldn't be any issue on infidelity. 

And then there were those who simply prefer a variety in their sex life rather then a dull staple. I wouldn't bet on anyone changing their mindset, sex can be addictive. Love and sex is two separate things for them. One can have sex with anybody but not love anybody. It might be an alien concept to many people who believe in love divine, but, really, how you missed out on all the fun. In the end, it is merely fun for them. Nothing more and nothing less. And this had nothing to do with the distance of the relationship. It is on the person that you are with or the person that you are yourself.

Do you want to find out whether he has fool around? It would be either confrontation or acknowledgement. Would that make your feel better? Maybe in the long run you'll be out of it, but how many of us can really get out once messed up?

01 September 2008

物以类聚

"你知道你跟他的分别吗?"
"他是个无耻的溅人,我不是。"
"这个无耻的溅人有男友,你没有。"
"这样的男友我才不要。"
"所以你才一直单身到现在。"
"我才不稀罕。"
"好心,自己知道自己的事。你才要到发疯呢。"
"但我很讨厌这样的人啰,明明有男友了还出来乱搞。那拍拖来干吗?"
"但你身边的朋友好像很多都是这样的。"

什么样的人就会交什么样的朋友。这是很正常的,一点歧视的成份都没有。如果你身边很多朋友都会劈退但你还是会和他们混在一起的话,那些批评的话就变得没有说服力了。如果你不能忍受别人胡搞,你就不会参一班时常搞轰趴的朋友。如果你的道德观念和生活习惯真的跟他们不一样你就会和他们不咬弦。道不同,不相为谋。

很多人说同志的爱情是可悲的。有些人经历过不如意,有些人看尽了不如意。他们没有看见幸福的例子。确实这个圈子有太多的悲剧但也不乏幸福的例子。我身边就有几个成功的例子。几个会很少吗?难道你就非得有一堆成双成对的人在你附近徘徊你才会相信同志的爱情?难道你没有发现到那些你向往的幸福美满都不会是浮在台面的人。问问自己你倾慕的感情生活会是怎样的,再看看你现在的生活。如果你真的和某人在一起了,你还会在你现在的生活里出现吗?

13 August 2008

Guide to Lying

To lie is human, not getting caught is divine. You are a liar if you were caught lying, you'll be a saint if you lie without being caught. The perfect boyfriend can be the perfect boyfriend or he could very well be someone who were yet to be caught lying. If you want to lie, make sure you know how to lie properly. The least that you could do is to cover your tracks. Telephone records, sms, browsing history, please learn to clear them. Tools>Option>History>Clear. It's freaking simple.

Don't shit where you eat. If you want to sleep with someone else, don't sleep on the same bed your boyfriend is going to sleep, no matter how impossible it is for him to find out. You never know when the next guy might just decided to cling to you instead, then you'll wish you never brought him home. Life has a way to turn it all against you.

Lying is a spiral of despair. Once you lied, you have to make up more lies to cover it, which is where people found out that you lied. Instead, choose not to tell the whole truth instead. Did you sleep with you him? I wouldn't dream of sleeping with him! See the catch here, you didn't dream to sleep with him as you have already slept with him. Technicality.

Lying is a fine art. It is easy to learn but hard to master.

03 August 2008

兼职情人

做兼职情人就只爱在当下,大家清楚地知道对方在当下是属于对方的。因为都知道有一个时间限制,大家会更投入当下的感情,时间到了就各自回到各自的世界。然后又找一天在共度春宵。彼此没有需要对彼此负责或承诺。很透明很轻松。当然这种感情首要条件是双方都清楚游戏规则,不会堕入情网。

这是比一夜情来的有意义比天长地久来的简单。就好像刚刚开始拍拖般甜蜜。但却是永远都待在这个阶段,不多不少。永远都是拍拖的一个对象,而不是活到老的伴侣。享受的是恋爱的过程,不是结果。人永远都是喜新厌旧,得到了的东西是不会怜惜的。得不到才会有火花。得不到才想占有,得到了就会去追求别的东西。

做兼职情人是不用承受相思的煎熬也不用矜持。但是却必须承受这种没有名分,没有固定相见,呼之则来,挥之则去的关系。如果你能的话,你就能很轻松的去享受恋爱的过程和无限的可能。没有人能够得到所有的东西,你能割舍吗?

22 July 2008

Living in Oxymoronia

Among the many things that people said about me was that I don't look gay, which at first glance sounds like a good thing, but it's actually not. Being a gay man that looks straight means that most gay men wouldn't have notice you unless you are exceptionally good looking or has a body to die for, which I have neither. With little to no glimpse and glances, that roughly translates to zero encounters. No stalkers, no admirers, no nothing. Whether I want the attention or not is besides the point, the point is that you wouldn't have thought that I am gay if I were to be hanging around you. You see the irony there? There I am but there I am not.

Not that there were no attention, just not the right kind of attention. Succumbing to the natural law that the opposite attracts, a straight gay man tends to attracts the attention of girls. Rejecting a girl without telling her about your own sexuality can be a daunting task. As a matter of fact, telling her about your sexuality might not be the best course of action. Although it was said that girls are more likely to accept gays, it doesn't really cover the guys that they have a crush on. You try to be not that good a person but somehow people still think that you deserve a good girl. There I may not be yet somehow I'm there.

13 July 2008

声声慢

有没有听过或看过这样的故事,一个关于一位年轻同志的故事。主人公年轻有为但却可能因为家族生意失败,可能父母离异,可能父母去世了,可能父母好赌等等的因素,主人公被逼辍学。又可能身为长子,又或父母兄弟的不争气,被迫很早就投身社会养家或半工读。也因为如此主人公很早就接触到这个圈子里形形色色的人。主人公在感情路上也颇为坎坷,可能被玩弄过,可能被抛弃过,可能被第三者介入也可能成为过第三者,所以也对这个圈子看透彻了。可能从悲剧开始的那一刻起,他的人生都不曾如意过。这次第,怎一个愁字了得。

听起来好象连续剧般,但当你真正认识一个如此背景的人的时候才发现原来人生真的能如此坎坷。奇怪的是在这个圈子里好像有满多个如此的主人公,算一算,我好象也认识几个如此这般的人。在别人眼里他们可能是得道高憎又或千年老妖,可能年级轻轻就经历了那么多事,所以他们对人生的态度都比一般同龄的来的成熟。他们的成熟在情路上是一种吸引力但有时却也是他们的可悲,有时候在爱情里看的太过透彻反而不能长久。

有时候很想跟他们说看开点但是却又知道他们的性格多数是相信自己能参悟一切的人,对那些他们没有很高的认同的人所说的话都不会听入耳。可能也对吧,一个生活平平无奇的人哪里来资格说教呢?一片芳心千万绪,人间没个安排处?朋友,有些事情就应该让它盲目才会有结果吧。

04 July 2008

Ignorance

"Are there gay bars there?"
"There were a few. You didn't visit any?"
"No. Didn't know where they were."
"I see."
"I heard that anal sex is punishable by death there. Is it true?"
"Haha... did you had anal sex while you are here?"
"No. I don't want to die."
"Haha... well, for your information, anal sex is not punishable by death here. Where did you hear this from?"
"From some American friends."
"And you believe them?"
"I can't judge since I don't live there."

This comes from a random chatter from China. I would have continue sarcastically if I have not grown to be as, ahem, mature in thinking (aka lazy) as I am now. But what amazed me was the fact that people can be so ignorant and willing to believe what Americans said, reminds me of our not so distant pass, that people believe that Malaysians live on trees.

14 June 2008

一个人的探戈

很高兴你会与我分享你的快乐,但我更希望能分担你的悲伤。为何我们只能共富贵不能共患难?既然决定走在一起那么就没有分彼此了,为何你总是把自己一层又一层地包围着呢?我知道你自尊心很强,也知道你是个顽强不服输的人,但为何你就不能在我面前软弱点呢?就像你是我的避风港般我也希望为你挡风遮雨。为何所有的不如意你都要自己扛?有时候看见你独自去承担生活的压力让我感到十分心疼。想问你需要我的帮忙吗但又怕干扰到你,我就只能默默地看着你。可能你也察觉到我的不安,所以你也变得沉默去了。我很难在你的言语中找到你的忧虑,也不知道什么东西在你脑海中盘旋。在这段感情里我就好像一个局外人,一个接受布施的乞丐。你我那么的接近却又隔着一道玻璃。

爱上一个独立的人原来是那么的沉重。该还是改?

08 June 2008

Coming of Age

Somehow, I'm feeling old lately and have not been able to shake it off. Eventhough many has assured me otherwise, I guess being near to yet another turning point in life makes one jitters, although I have no idea how it comes about. I could probably blame it on the people that I have come to know lately. Many are in their early twenties, some even only barely legal of age. But eventhough they are young, it surprise me to find that they are quite mature in their own way and it triggers me to recall about myself when I was their age. I certainly can't say that I'm on par with them when I was their age. Come to think of it, I was rather dubious in life back then. Hmm... I'm still dubious in life now actually. wtf.

Acronyms. Another thing that I picked up from them which are really bad. My peers hardly uses them. It's bad enough that I have cute emoticons stashed on my msn, I have come to speak their language too. Some might consider me desperate for young flesh or worse a pedophile. Yikes. Come to think of it, when I was their age, they were just kids that might not even be tall enough to ride a roller coaster. See how they grow. Damn, I does sounds like a pedophile. lmao.

I guess I have always come to term with my own sexuality. But with more and more friends getting married and having kids, I sometimes wonder if I should just jump on the bandwagon too. Sure, there are the usual comments that a gay man can never be straight and that we should not ruin a girls life or maybe leaving bad impacts to the family. That we should not be selfish. Yadda yadda yadda. In this dog-eat-dog world, it's every man for himself. I've never believed in playing by the rules anyway. And I guess if I was to conform to the standard morality, I wouldn't be gay in the first place. But those are philosophical debates for other times.

01 June 2008

过三境

友人说,“你幸福美满当然不懂单身的苦。”
我说,“你也可以啊,只是你不要而已。”
友人叹气说,“我爱的人不爱我,爱我的人我不爱。”
我笑说,“谁叫你这样挑?”
友人不忿的说,“我哪有挑?”
我看着他俊俏的脸然后问到,“哪,什么样的男人才是你要的?”
友人不假思索地回到,“我不需要他是帅哥,普通就好,靓仔冇本心。他会对我好然后也能感受到我对他的爱。这就够了。”
“好一句他会对我好然后也能感受到我对他的爱,你根本就是在找一个他爱你比你爱他多的人。”
“没办法,受过太多次伤害了。但是当我感受到他的爱时我就会全心全意地爱他啊。”
“好惨呢,还要过试用期。”

古今圈中总成眷属者,必经过三种之境界;昨夜西风凋碧树。独上高楼,望尽天涯路。此第一境也。衣带渐宽终不悔,为伊消得人憔悴。此第二境也。众里寻他千百度,蓦然回首,那人却在,灯火阑珊处。此第三境也。

盗一段王国维的人间词语,发现原来我们都有机会成为大词人。虽然大多流连在第一和弟二境,能达第三境者又寥寥无几。苦苦盼一段好因缘,因缘来了又为它所折腾。折了又盼,盼了又折。没想到爱情的煎熬让那么多人回味。

我跟友人说,“很多时候苦苦经营的都不会开花结果,反而无心插柳柳成影荫。”
友人说,“那你就是叫我继续等而已。我在等啊等啊,等到花儿也谢了。”
我笑说,“不怕不怕,你还是黄花一朵。而且你是下面的,谢了也不用紧。哈哈。”

25 May 2008

Infatuation of the Big Tool

Hypothetically speaking, regardless of your position preference, if you have two equally gorgeous naked men standing before you, one with a standard Asian size of stone hard 5.5 inch while another is raging monster at nearly 7 inch, who would you pick to satisfy your primordial lust?

We always says that it is not the size that matters, it's how you use it that matters. But this is only true after you experienced the tool first hand as to how well it perform. Then, why do we naturally go for a bigger tool? For many a bottoms, it might be because it provides them the satisfaction of reaching the g-spot, although many have commented that it is really how you use it that truly matters.

For tops, it really doesn't matter unless he likes to oral. Granted, it feel much better to hump someone with a hardon then to have it dangling about, but it is an acceptable fact that sometimes a bottom can't get hard while being entered. So why are tops equally infatuated with big tools too? I really have no idea why, somehow it just is.

It is bad enough that we discriminate ourselves base on age, look, body size and what-not, we are even scrutinized base on our tool size. There really is no ending to perfection that gay seeks.

PS: Thanks for the concern, but my size is not your concern unless you want it inside you. Bleh~

20 April 2008

评本地娱乐圈之自以为是

未红先骄是一些本地娱乐界人士的毛病
有些人以为自己上过电视就是红星
势必要被捧在掌心
真的以为自己帅的不得了美的要不得
出街带墨镜深怕被别人认出
这种人我只能报以一句 - 你是谁?
不是鄙视他们
而是真的不知道他们是谁

翻开报纸娱乐版
很难看到关于本地的娱乐新闻
虽然本身对本地娱乐也缺乏兴趣
但也应该不是完全是我的错吧
在没有什么报道的情况之下
我又如何会认识他们呢?

那天敲了一个在某本地新秀节目的落选者
竟然自以为自己了得而满天开价
那种小钱也算了
婆娘既然胆敢在拍摄当天给我玩失踪
搞到需要临时换角
顾客不爽
害我埃骂我更不爽

不告诉你是谁介绍的是因为不要给你压力
在本地娱乐界浮沉已经很艰辛了
自己不争取机会就是自己的错
真的不知道时下的年轻人在想什么
至少我知道你不可能从我这里接到任何案子了
虽然我也不看好她有任何的未来可言

没听说过的名字并不表示可以漠视
山水有相逢
你永远不知道对方能否在你的演艺生涯有什么影响

06 April 2008

爱情的保存期限

记得我曾说过我的爱情是有保存期限的
你听了之后非常伤心
之后我们也再没有提起了
我相信你永远都不会忘记我所说过的这句话
只是把它埋在记忆深处
可能在夜阑人静的失眠夜里
你会想起这段话而默默流下眼泪吧

回想起来
这句话应该是从流星花园里学回来的吧
不知怎样地就成为了我爱情的观点
大概没有一个爱人会喜欢听到这句话
可能也有人会说这就是同志的悲哀
不相信爱情的永恒
可能有人会认为这只是一个对爱情不负责任的借口
我也不想多做狡辩
但我又不甘心去承认
有一种力不从心的随缘感
压迫在心房

有时我会想如果我不是同志的话
我会是个什么样的男人
我会否一样的不羁
是否因为尝尽了禁果
而造就了今天的我
当时你喜欢的我是否还是现在的我呢?

22 March 2008

Encounter of A Pathetic Kind

Out of the blue, someone says hi to me on msn. He was not on my list and I have not the faintest recollection about his email address. He is probably someone that I've exchanged msn contacts and have not really chatted before and were swept out during one of my msn cleaning. Anyhow, he was not blocked, just deleted, so he is not someone that I consider psycho.

Practicing the usual chat etiquette, we traded stats. Standing at 175cm and weighing at 70kg, he is either beef up or over weight. I have my bets on the later as I would definitely remember a muscle guy. Following the chat protocol, I move on to requesting his picture. He in return ask for mine, which is well within the expected reaction according to the protocol. We agreed to trade and show our picture on the msn screen. A familiar picture suddenly pops out. The person in the picture was not someone I personally knows, instead he was a friend's friend. I got to know him because he is quite high profile by my standard. But the problem is, the person in the picture is well over 6 feet tall while the person that I was talking to is less then 5 feet 8. It strikes me then that someone is impersonating someone else. It is not the first time that I encounter such people, but really, if you were to pretend to be someone else, at least get your basic information right.

If one were to pretend to be someone else in real life, one are call a con artist. But if one were just doing it online, I think we could aptly call them a pathetic loser. It is very likely that this kind of people has very low self esteem, probably very much superficially based. They probably don't have much friends either, because although we live in a superficial world, the inner beauty still weights alot. Just because someone is over weight or not having the best looking feature doesn't mean that the person does not have any friends. Anybody who think that way are probably even more pathetic.

I believe that it is because of this low self esteem along with lack of friends that made them pretends to be someone else, so that they can be accepted, albeit a misinformed one. They can only wish against wish that their cover is not blown. I doubt that they are doing that to get laid, because they obviously cannot meet in person since they are not the person we want to get laid with.

What would my advice be for this kind of person? I would probably tell them to get a life, but then again, if getting a life is so easy for them, they wouldn't be impersonating someone on the internet. Instead, I think the best course of action would probably be getting in touch with your spiritual belief, either delve into dharma or submit yourself to God. I wouldn't suggest self-help motivation books or religious reading material, because they might misinterpret it. They need a guiding light to enlightenment.

The guy actually has a cam, which I was privileged to view. I was abit surprise that he turn his cam on, but then the scene that came to sight was a pair of boobs over a layered stomach. He got offline before he show me his face and I deleted him from my msn list. I guess after seeing the body made me even more determine to delete him from my list. I guess I'm guilty of being superficial myself.

21 March 2008

Intricacy

Socializing in this circle is a very delicate maneuver. This circle being small as it is, even though with many people still in the closet and all, it's hard not to know someone who knew someone else you knew. Adrian, whom you met in the chatroom, might knew Brian, who was your ex, Calvin's good friend, Daniel's colleague, whom you are still in contact with which has a godbrother, Ethan, whom is one your of ons, Frank's sexbuddy. If you were to put an effort in linking everybody together, you'll be amazed as to how connected you are to the world. Or how messed up you are... depending on how you want to look it anyway.

Some of us prefer to maintain a certain level of discreetness. Maybe they are shy, maybe they are closeted, maybe they are ugly, maybe they are your siblings who knew you were openly gay, maybe they are all of the above, regardless, for people who has a reason to be discreet, socializing in the circle can be daunting. Chatters nowadays are usually incline to ignore people who does not show their face pic, even a nicely build 6 pack can only last you so long. You really does not have any reason whatsoever nowadays to not have a face pic in the world wide web in this technologically advance century. So it become a matter of choice whether you want to show your face to the circle. I believe that if one were to show their face pic openly in any gay channel, they are already half way out of the closet. At least all the gay knows.

The gay brotherhood, or some aptly called it the sisterhood, is a strong band of men who can usually bitch better then a bunch of hags. A true band of brothers would have discussed about not only their daily events, but also their sexual adventure. Some bands of brothers even knew first hand how good the other is in bed. Although it is a commonly held rule to not kiss and tell, many of us let our mouth flab. The brotherhood might be discussing the best method to bulk up, when a certain reference to a certain well built man might somehow lead to someone well endowed, and ultimately lead to ons encounters where the latest trophy was displayed. I believe that most of us has an IQ over 180 seeing that we can seemingly figure out complex correlation between each gay men.

05 March 2008

Hole

It was an out of body experience. I look at things in a third person perspective. The things that this person is familiar with, concepts that surfaced, objects that materialized and names that came along, it all seem familiar yet strange at the same time. I was amazed and disgusted for the things that this person lust for. It was such an alien concept to me but yet I understand how significant it was for the person involved.

And then things started to sink in and fall into place. I was distressed that this dissociation would continues forever, that I would never regain myself. There was panic I think, I tried to remember myself. I tried to remind myself of my worth. But alas, nothing seems to pull me back. Despair creeps in but then it was overwhelm by a sense of calm. The willingness to accept the consequences. A distorted enlightenment came to me, I understand the why of things. The sense of tranquility of losing yourself in the moment, of savoring the bodily lust, of forgetting the essence of humanity. If it were to continue forever, I seem not to mind the severe consequences there and then.

Sudden as it came, gone it was too without notice, I came back out. I regained myself. I was glad to come back but I was also eager to return. I was happy to regain myself but were not sorry to lose it in the beginning.

04 March 2008

持素的男孩

发现自己原来认识满多个持素的男孩
有的因为家庭从小就持素
有的因为在佛佗或菩萨面前许了个愿而持素
不得不佩服他们对持素的坚持
试问自己没有那样的定力去抗拒肉类的诱惑
不,于其说不能抗拒倒不如解释为有点惋惜
惋惜没能尝到肉的鲜美

持素的男孩都是谈恋爱的好对象
因为就好比持素般
他们对爱情都有着一份坚持与执着
可能他们的恋爱观有点不入主流
可能他们表达爱的方式有点让人不知所措
但是我确信他们对于爱的执着是发自内心的
就好像素食般
清清淡淡却有着个中美味

不是每个人都能够天天吃素
多数人吃的都是随缘素
所以持素的男孩情路都满坎坷的
很难找到知音的食客
看着他们面对情感的挫折
不仅让我为他们感到辛酸

到底是不是所有持素的男孩都这般
我不晓得
但至少我认识的那群持素的男孩都给我这种感觉
其实他们都不需要别人的怜惜
因为他们有着一份坚强的毅力
去坚持自己的理念

如果持素的男孩都是这般
你会想跟持素的男孩恋爱吗?
你能够体恤他们的坚持吗?

13 February 2008

爱情不是两个人的事

"原来我才是弟三者。你竟然从头开始就知道而没告诉我。"
"我觉的你跟他很相配啊,你爱他,他爱你。为何不走在一起呢?"
"人家已经有男友了。"
"好心,那样都叫男友?那我不就左拢右抱。"
"搞到我害人家分手了。"
"那不就好啰。有情人终成眷属。从此大家幸福快乐。"

其实爱情不是两个人的事。
它牵涉到家人,朋友,情敌,陌生人。
别人会把你的爱情给与批评。
可能他们为你感到高兴。
可能他们不看好你这段感情。
可能他们为你感到不公。
可能他们会像韩剧般看待你的爱情。

可能你说爱情是你跟他的事,关其他人屁事啊?
对啊,是你两的事,但我们要管又关你屁事?
但是试问你的爱情真的不需要别人管吗?
当你的感情出现空窗期,你真的不需要友人的介绍?
当你俩之间出现了问题,你真的认为是两个人的错?
当你的爱情遇到挫折时,你难道真的独个儿去承担?
就算你能独自处理一切,难道你的另一半是像你般能干?
认了吧,
认可我们这些爱管闲事的人在你们的爱情中占有的位置。
一段爱情的成败不单单是看两个人的坚定,
还需要看周遭的支持与破坏。
有时一段感情不能开花结果并非你们俩做的不足够。
可能就因为别人的妒嫉。
可能就因为不被祝福。

外围的人说你们当局者迷,
丧失所有理智。
内里的人说我们隔岸观火,
不解内里乾坤。

我们做的东西对吗?
解铃还需系铃人,
如果你的爱情是我们系上的,
你的爱情就能被我们解掉。
我们是一个笼统的称呼,
我们并不只是爱护你的人,
我们也是憎恨你的人。

我们虽然是可恨的,
我们也是可爱的,
但我们确实是必须的,
没有了我们也不会有你们。

25 January 2008

Fuel

What drives a gay relationship? Passion. A whirlwind of love and lust mixed together. Many gays thinks that stability is what they want in a relationship. Harmonies, balance, understanding and caring for each other until the end of time. All this would be the basic building block of a happy family, a happy, normal, straight family, one that we are brought up to believe in. But, the rules of gay relationship does not work this way. Gays does not strive in harmonies, we live for the turmoil in our life. We contradict basic society norms just by being ourselves, so why are we delusional to believe that the happy family formulation works for us too?

We are a screwed lot. We live for the pain. The pain of having anal sex. The pain in knowing that we shared our bf. The pain of endlessly seeking a compatible partner. Many of us seems to fall for the wrong type of guy. The quiet type are attracted by the party animal. The philosophical type are attracted by the muscle hunk. The love seeker ending up with the fun seeker. We keep reminding ourselves that we will not fall for the type of guys we disdain, but somehow when love strikes, we lost all our common sense and principals. Only when it ends that we start questioning ourselves why were we so foolish and blinded. And we vow not to repeat the same mistake again. Then falling into it yet once again. A vicious cycle.

18 January 2008

看那毛虫羽化为蝶
看那孑孓孵化为蚊
看那蝌蚪变作青蛙
察觉到吗?
蜕变的都是冷血的
你说我变了
原来我也是冷血的

转眼间又岂能面目全非?
到底是我变了?
还是你不曾了解我?
如果真的变了为何你不曾察觉过?

难道长久的相处只是子虚乌有?
还是我的伪装天衣无缝?

12 January 2008

Omnia vanitas

I don't mind chatting with new people. But sometimes gay man has some very weird ideas about life, especially gay life, in general. I'm especially allergic to the so called new gays. Those that are curious about the circle, have some grand ideas about relationship and are probably very inexperience sex wise. They like to ask question about sex. How does it feel like to top someone? How does it feel like to be bottom? What is like to have threesome? I usually opt for the standard answer, "You go try and you know lo." Seriously, how am I suppose to answer these questions? Shyness aside, one could probably get better ideas through pornographic literature then asking a random stranger on a chatroom, albeit an experience stranger....

A good chat, like a good poem, is hard to come by. Not only because most chatters are only looking to hookup, but both must also be able to connect in order to carry on a chat. The standard procedure during chat are to exchange stats followed by your picture. Of course one could be eliminated if the figure does not telly in the first place, simply known as not with toned shape. Then if you are not good looking enough, people will also tend to ignore you. Many people say that outlook is not important but that's really bullshit. I don't buy that.

For the rest of the world who are just plain joe, we sometimes fantasize how good it would be if only we're good looking. All the attention, all the sex, all the other good looking people we would surround ourselves with. But I wonder, is that really how they think? Personally I think it is sad if people want to know me just to get into my pants, simply being a trophy on someone's wall. But then again, I'm not in the league, and having a good looking guy as a trophy regardless of the circumstances, is something to gloat at.