很高兴你会与我分享你的快乐，但我更希望能分担你的悲伤。为何我们只能共富贵不能共患难？既然决定走在一起那么就没有分彼此了，为何你总是把自己一层又一层地包围着呢？我知道你自尊心很强，也知道你是个顽强不服输的人，但为何你就不能在我面前软弱点呢？就像你是我的避风港般我也希望为你挡风遮雨。为何所有的不如意你都要自己扛？有时候看见你独自去承担生活的压力让我感到十分心疼。想问你需要我的帮忙吗但又怕干扰到你，我就只能默默地看着你。可能你也察觉到我的不安，所以你也变得沉默去了。我很难在你的言语中找到你的忧虑，也不知道什么东西在你脑海中盘旋。在这段感情里我就好像一个局外人，一个接受布施的乞丐。你我那么的接近却又隔着一道玻璃。
爱上一个独立的人原来是那么的沉重。该还是改？
From an age of innocence to a time of flagrant debauchery; from finding love to losing hope, this is the life journey of a Chinese gay guy born in KL, Malaysia where he tries to make sense of his homosexuality, his life and the world around him.
14 June 2008
08 June 2008
Coming of Age
Somehow, I'm feeling old lately and have not been able to shake it off. Eventhough many has assured me otherwise, I guess being near to yet another turning point in life makes one jitters, although I have no idea how it comes about. I could probably blame it on the people that I have come to know lately. Many are in their early twenties, some even only barely legal of age. But eventhough they are young, it surprise me to find that they are quite mature in their own way and it triggers me to recall about myself when I was their age. I certainly can't say that I'm on par with them when I was their age. Come to think of it, I was rather dubious in life back then. Hmm... I'm still dubious in life now actually. wtf.
Acronyms. Another thing that I picked up from them which are really bad. My peers hardly uses them. It's bad enough that I have cute emoticons stashed on my msn, I have come to speak their language too. Some might consider me desperate for young flesh or worse a pedophile. Yikes. Come to think of it, when I was their age, they were just kids that might not even be tall enough to ride a roller coaster. See how they grow. Damn, I does sounds like a pedophile. lmao.
I guess I have always come to term with my own sexuality. But with more and more friends getting married and having kids, I sometimes wonder if I should just jump on the bandwagon too. Sure, there are the usual comments that a gay man can never be straight and that we should not ruin a girls life or maybe leaving bad impacts to the family. That we should not be selfish. Yadda yadda yadda. In this dog-eat-dog world, it's every man for himself. I've never believed in playing by the rules anyway. And I guess if I was to conform to the standard morality, I wouldn't be gay in the first place. But those are philosophical debates for other times.
Acronyms. Another thing that I picked up from them which are really bad. My peers hardly uses them. It's bad enough that I have cute emoticons stashed on my msn, I have come to speak their language too. Some might consider me desperate for young flesh or worse a pedophile. Yikes. Come to think of it, when I was their age, they were just kids that might not even be tall enough to ride a roller coaster. See how they grow. Damn, I does sounds like a pedophile. lmao.
I guess I have always come to term with my own sexuality. But with more and more friends getting married and having kids, I sometimes wonder if I should just jump on the bandwagon too. Sure, there are the usual comments that a gay man can never be straight and that we should not ruin a girls life or maybe leaving bad impacts to the family. That we should not be selfish. Yadda yadda yadda. In this dog-eat-dog world, it's every man for himself. I've never believed in playing by the rules anyway. And I guess if I was to conform to the standard morality, I wouldn't be gay in the first place. But those are philosophical debates for other times.
01 June 2008
过三境
友人说，“你幸福美满当然不懂单身的苦。”
我说，“你也可以啊，只是你不要而已。”
友人叹气说，“我爱的人不爱我，爱我的人我不爱。”
我笑说，“谁叫你这样挑？”
友人不忿的说，“我哪有挑？”
我看着他俊俏的脸然后问到，“哪，什么样的男人才是你要的？”
友人不假思索地回到，“我不需要他是帅哥，普通就好，靓仔冇本心。他会对我好然后也能感受到我对他的爱。这就够了。”
“好一句他会对我好然后也能感受到我对他的爱，你根本就是在找一个他爱你比你爱他多的人。”
“没办法，受过太多次伤害了。但是当我感受到他的爱时我就会全心全意地爱他啊。”
“好惨呢，还要过试用期。”
古今圈中总成眷属者，必经过三种之境界；昨夜西风凋碧树。独上高楼，望尽天涯路。此第一境也。衣带渐宽终不悔，为伊消得人憔悴。此第二境也。众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在，灯火阑珊处。此第三境也。
盗一段王国维的人间词语，发现原来我们都有机会成为大词人。虽然大多流连在第一和弟二境，能达第三境者又寥寥无几。苦苦盼一段好因缘，因缘来了又为它所折腾。折了又盼，盼了又折。没想到爱情的煎熬让那么多人回味。
我跟友人说，“很多时候苦苦经营的都不会开花结果，反而无心插柳柳成影荫。”
友人说，“那你就是叫我继续等而已。我在等啊等啊，等到花儿也谢了。”
我笑说，“不怕不怕，你还是黄花一朵。而且你是下面的，谢了也不用紧。哈哈。”
我说，“你也可以啊，只是你不要而已。”
友人叹气说，“我爱的人不爱我，爱我的人我不爱。”
我笑说，“谁叫你这样挑？”
友人不忿的说，“我哪有挑？”
我看着他俊俏的脸然后问到，“哪，什么样的男人才是你要的？”
友人不假思索地回到，“我不需要他是帅哥，普通就好，靓仔冇本心。他会对我好然后也能感受到我对他的爱。这就够了。”
“好一句他会对我好然后也能感受到我对他的爱，你根本就是在找一个他爱你比你爱他多的人。”
“没办法，受过太多次伤害了。但是当我感受到他的爱时我就会全心全意地爱他啊。”
“好惨呢，还要过试用期。”
古今圈中总成眷属者，必经过三种之境界；昨夜西风凋碧树。独上高楼，望尽天涯路。此第一境也。衣带渐宽终不悔，为伊消得人憔悴。此第二境也。众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在，灯火阑珊处。此第三境也。
盗一段王国维的人间词语，发现原来我们都有机会成为大词人。虽然大多流连在第一和弟二境，能达第三境者又寥寥无几。苦苦盼一段好因缘，因缘来了又为它所折腾。折了又盼，盼了又折。没想到爱情的煎熬让那么多人回味。
我跟友人说，“很多时候苦苦经营的都不会开花结果，反而无心插柳柳成影荫。”
友人说，“那你就是叫我继续等而已。我在等啊等啊，等到花儿也谢了。”
我笑说，“不怕不怕，你还是黄花一朵。而且你是下面的，谢了也不用紧。哈哈。”
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