21 February 2007

Gay Homophobic

"Oh fuck!"
"Fuck."
"..."
"This is awkward. Did not expect to see you here."
"Nor do I. Didn't know you are gay."
"That's because I didn't tell anyone. But you! Don't tell me the breakoff made you gay!"
"It was part of the reason."
"Shit... what now."


The world has a wicked sense of humour indeed. Just when you thought that you have the circle more or less worked out, it throws you into another dizzy whirlpool again. A friend once said that all men are gay until proven straight. Just because someone has girlfriends or are married with children doesn't mean that they are not gay. I'm not sure how I felt on this particular subject because this basically means that all men are gay...

It is true that I am gay. It is true that I enjoy being gay. It is true that I like gay sex. It is true that I am not ashame of myself because I am gay, eventhough I am not totally out of the closet. Bottom line is, I am who I am. But when it comes to finding out that a close friend who was previously straight has became gay now, it doesn't seem to make me any happier. Somehow I became concerned that if being gay is the right choice for him. Knowing very well what this circle has to offer, I have the urge to stop him where he is. To scream at him and tell him that it is not good to be gay. That it is sinful. That it would be the source of his misery for the remainer of his life. Suddenly I became a gay homophobic! The oxymoron of my life.

I guess I can finally understand why there are homophobic in this world. Why some parents, friends or siblings cannot accept homosexual. Maybe it is this sudden revelation of identity that tip us off, making us unable to adjust accordingly, or at all in some case. I have this genuine pain to see a dear friend turn gay. Unexplainable even when I am gay myself. I guess it is one thing to be gay, but totally different thing to find someone you know who became gay. The shock are identical for both straight and gay.

I think slow exposure is the key of helping people around you to accept that you are gay. Unless you are flamboyantly gay, most gay seems to be quite straight in straight's eye. Maybe not so in old timer but that's experience related. Opening to someone who is totally unprepared can be a disaster indeed. Most of the coming out stories usually involve friends who suspect their orientation but are totally agreeable with the choice we made. It is a two part formula, missing one would render it chaotic. Coming out to a suspecting but non-accepting friend would result in gossip. Coming out to an accepting but non-suspecting friend would result in mental breakdown. It always seems to be the case. I guess starting from this year I would have to prep myself so that I assume all my male friend are possibly gay with the chance of coming out anytime, anywhere. No, not anywhere... The venue is important. There are some place or social gathering not meant for this kind of shock... No, I am not gonna tell you where, think about it, I think you'll know.

1 comment:

Perdita said...

Good words.