18 November 2009

Passed the Point of No Return

18 November 2009, a day to be remembered. On this day, I went on to end two over 5 years long relationships. First I quit my job, my first job that I have worked for the pass 6 years. It was a great job, but somehow I find myself reaching a bottle neck there. When you dread going to work, where there is no happiness in it, it is time to make a career change. Of course there are other factors involve such as my opinion on how the company functions and other trivial matters, but still, being unhappy at work was the major drive.

This sentiment has been there for quite awhile, and I have actually decided to quit since half a year ago but on my brother's advice, I delayed it until I find a new job, which I have still yet to. And then, it hits me, if I were to follow my instinct and quit a few months back, I would be a hell lot more different person now. Not necessary happier, might even be in desperation to find a new job, but at least then I would have a drive to do something. Now, I'm at a stagnant point where no matter what my boss asked me to do, I have no further interest then completing it. I thought that a paradigm shift would help me see new light in things, but it only makes me realize that it is not what I want. Contrary to what people think is best for me, when I myself does not feel the connection, all is in vain.

On the same night, I broke off with my bf. It was a sad thing for both of us. He loved me so much but our distance and the things that I have done, made me realize that I should be unselfishly selfish. One should be unselfish for others yet one should also be selfish for yourself. We have come to a stage that we are more family then lovers, which makes me feel strain. Somehow that is not what love should be.

So I decided to quit both and start anew. My boss tells me that she is happy that I have come to my senses and decided to change, and that I should make the best out of what I am having now and not start again from scratch. He also asked me why is it that when I decided to start my new life, I cannot include him in it. To that, I honestly say, I don't know. I guess it is just my weird perception towards life. The more I think about it, the more confusing it became, the less I want to think about it. In order to move on, I want to just cut it off and move on.

It's same like running a marathon. An hour into the run when I am tired and in pain, I ask myself why I subject myself to such torture. But by then I am already half way down the track, there is no turning back but keep on pressing forward until I reach the end. I no longer ask the question if it is right or wrong. All that matters that is keep on moving forward.

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