Counting down

To whom can I put this question (with any hopes of an answer)? Does being able to live without someone you loved mean you loved him less than you thought... ?
Roland Barthes, Mourning Diary

I keep counting down to the day when he says goodbye. 3 months. 2 months. As if I am expecting something grandeur on that day to happen. Should I buy myself a meal on that day to celebrate or should I sulk at home, crying about what I lost. I do not know for I know not what I really feel now. Whatever tormenting feelings left, it is not inflicted by his physical absence but his presence in my mind. As much as I try to hold on to the memory, I seem to be letting it slip by faster and faster. The feeling of holding and losing someone at the same time is mind boggling indeed.