Just joined a blogring and I thought by doing this, I would do some publicity stunt for this blog of mine. I was considering penning down my daily ramblings, but then I realize I have tried that before and it doesn't suit my style. The whole point of this blog was not to share my life, but just my point of view in this gay life of mine. I'm not out of the closet, nor am I likely to be out anytime soon. It's kind of like a dilemma but I'm sure alot of people out there are having the same issue.
Not many people know of the existence of this blog, at the moment, I only knew of two person who actually have read this blog. I have a mind to share this blog with all the gay friends of mine but then I realize that many of the stuff I wrote here was not really meant for them. It would probably shock them, me being a seclusive person, with my opinions and all. Thus the name of the blog, a life within another life. It's not only hidden from my straight circle, it is also hidden from my gay circle. So, really, you who know of this blog and know of me in person, count yourself lucky for you are in a league of prestige. Haha.
Most of the entries are posted in Axcest too, which has some feedbacks and following. It is a great feeling when you know that what you have written has an impact on someone. That somebody's life was changed, no matter how small it might be. The resonance of acceptance are a delight to the author.
There are a few readers who commented that my style was similar to Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City. I don't deny that there are some influence from the show as I quite like the show myself. Somehow the style of writing comes naturally to me. Though it is much more different for my writing in chinese instead. I guess that being true to the name of the blog, I seem to be portraiting a different aspect of myself as I move from one medium to another. I think I have multiple personalities disorder.
I wonder what would happen when all this personalities of mine converge together. All hell would probably break lose. But I am seeing an enlightenment at the end of the tunnel, yet I fear that I dare not trek this path. I just can't get over the hurdle that is myself.
From an age of innocence to a time of flagrant debauchery; from finding love to losing hope, this is the life journey of a Chinese gay guy born in KL, Malaysia where he tries to make sense of his homosexuality, his life and the world around him.
30 December 2007
29 December 2007
My 2007 Reflection
I thought I came to realize, since a long time ago, that if you were to just stop and take in the things that happens around you, you'll find that things happen more frequent then you think. I thought I notice the similar few numbers on most car plates. I thought I notice the same brand of shoes most gymmers wear. I thought I notice the same traits that gays carry themselves with. I thought that by pausing awhile in time to scrutinize the things that happens around you, you'll be able to make sense of things happening around you. I thought I was opening up to the world, but I was actually closing the windows and looking through a tiny peephole.
It was not because the same few numbers keep showing up but because I chose to see only the numbers I want to see. There are only 10 numbers and less then 10 thousand combination of numbers anyway. It was not because most gymmers wear the same brand of shoes but because I chose to see only the brand I want to see. There are only so many brands for shoes. It was not because most gays carry the same traits but because I chose to believe that gays acts in a certain way. Sexual orientation does not determine our personalities.
I come to realize now that taking time to examine things was great until you realize that you are not looking at the big picture anymore. Like the year end reflection that we all do , we try to evaluate our deeds in the pass year, the experience that we have accumulated and the regrets that we have caused. Then we came up with a new year resolution, telling ourselves that for the coming year, we shall achieve the few goals listed, but I wonder how many of us gets to complete the list. Maybe it is a matter of sheer willpower that determine whether we are able to achieve the goals or maybe we are just giving ourselves excuses. Regardless, the whole cycle of resolution and reflection repeats every year. Sometimes I wonder why do we torture ourselves with all this. I agree that life will be boring without expectations. I agree that life has its ups and downs. But I always thought that if I don't expect anything to happen, whatever good that happens will be a pleasant surprise and whatever bad that happens will be lesser a pain.
Did we lose ourselves during this reflection and resolution period or are we gaining perspective of our life? How do we live our life is our decision. How do we handle a relationship is our decision. There is no right and wrong in life. As long as you believe in it, then that is the truth, regardless of what other people thinks. Life too short to be bothered by irrelevance such as these. That's my reflection for year 2007.
It was not because the same few numbers keep showing up but because I chose to see only the numbers I want to see. There are only 10 numbers and less then 10 thousand combination of numbers anyway. It was not because most gymmers wear the same brand of shoes but because I chose to see only the brand I want to see. There are only so many brands for shoes. It was not because most gays carry the same traits but because I chose to believe that gays acts in a certain way. Sexual orientation does not determine our personalities.
I come to realize now that taking time to examine things was great until you realize that you are not looking at the big picture anymore. Like the year end reflection that we all do , we try to evaluate our deeds in the pass year, the experience that we have accumulated and the regrets that we have caused. Then we came up with a new year resolution, telling ourselves that for the coming year, we shall achieve the few goals listed, but I wonder how many of us gets to complete the list. Maybe it is a matter of sheer willpower that determine whether we are able to achieve the goals or maybe we are just giving ourselves excuses. Regardless, the whole cycle of resolution and reflection repeats every year. Sometimes I wonder why do we torture ourselves with all this. I agree that life will be boring without expectations. I agree that life has its ups and downs. But I always thought that if I don't expect anything to happen, whatever good that happens will be a pleasant surprise and whatever bad that happens will be lesser a pain.
Did we lose ourselves during this reflection and resolution period or are we gaining perspective of our life? How do we live our life is our decision. How do we handle a relationship is our decision. There is no right and wrong in life. As long as you believe in it, then that is the truth, regardless of what other people thinks. Life too short to be bothered by irrelevance such as these. That's my reflection for year 2007.
20 December 2007
印记
不要因为也许会改变
就不肯说那句美丽的誓言
不要因为也许会分离
就不敢求一次倾心的相遇
总有一些什么
会留下来的吧
留下来作一件不灭的印记
好让 好让那些
不相识的人也能知道
我曾经怎样深深地爱过你
~ 席幕容 回首的刹那 印记
难道是还没放下心中的防备，所以才不断的抗拒
还是确实没有了当初的感觉，所以才冷漠的断绝
五味掺杂模糊了所有的味蕾，所以才选择了逃避
告诉自己欠缺是那遗憾美
告诉自己失去还觉优美
告诉自己情路不凄美
告诉自己清醒了没
就不肯说那句美丽的誓言
不要因为也许会分离
就不敢求一次倾心的相遇
总有一些什么
会留下来的吧
留下来作一件不灭的印记
好让 好让那些
不相识的人也能知道
我曾经怎样深深地爱过你
~ 席幕容 回首的刹那 印记
难道是还没放下心中的防备，所以才不断的抗拒
还是确实没有了当初的感觉，所以才冷漠的断绝
五味掺杂模糊了所有的味蕾，所以才选择了逃避
告诉自己欠缺是那遗憾美
告诉自己失去还觉优美
告诉自己情路不凄美
告诉自己清醒了没
13 December 2007
Bizarre Love Polygon
You have a boyfriend.
You are his only boyfriend.
You have another boyfriend.
This boyfriend has his own boyfriend.
Besides his boyfriend and you, he has other boyfriends.
But you yourself also have other boyfriends.
And all these boyfriends also have their own boyfriends.
Identically, most of them have other boyfriends.
Making you concubine for them and them concubine for you.
But somehow your boyfriend only has one boyfriend.
Sounds complicated? You be surprise that it is actually a norm in the circle. Sounds like sex buddies? They beg to differ because according to people involved, they are more then just sex buddies, there are actually some sorts of emotion beside lust involved. Is it wrong? Only if you make it so. Everybody has a choice to choose the lifestyle they want. Pity the boyfriend who is loyal. condolence extended to him too but there isn’t much any of us can do.
Was it because the boyfriend cannot provide the emotional or physical satisfaction? Maybe. Why shouldn’t they just breakup? Because although he cannot satisfy all his needs, he can satisfy some of them. By getting their satisfaction here and there, he has the complete satisfaction needed. That’s selfish. Well, good for you that you are kind, generous and to exhibit all traits of good, but I’m afraid for the some people in the world, they are selfish, self-centered and doom to torment in hell. That’s life.
You are his only boyfriend.
You have another boyfriend.
This boyfriend has his own boyfriend.
Besides his boyfriend and you, he has other boyfriends.
But you yourself also have other boyfriends.
And all these boyfriends also have their own boyfriends.
Identically, most of them have other boyfriends.
Making you concubine for them and them concubine for you.
But somehow your boyfriend only has one boyfriend.
Sounds complicated? You be surprise that it is actually a norm in the circle. Sounds like sex buddies? They beg to differ because according to people involved, they are more then just sex buddies, there are actually some sorts of emotion beside lust involved. Is it wrong? Only if you make it so. Everybody has a choice to choose the lifestyle they want. Pity the boyfriend who is loyal. condolence extended to him too but there isn’t much any of us can do.
Was it because the boyfriend cannot provide the emotional or physical satisfaction? Maybe. Why shouldn’t they just breakup? Because although he cannot satisfy all his needs, he can satisfy some of them. By getting their satisfaction here and there, he has the complete satisfaction needed. That’s selfish. Well, good for you that you are kind, generous and to exhibit all traits of good, but I’m afraid for the some people in the world, they are selfish, self-centered and doom to torment in hell. That’s life.
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