From an age of innocence to a time of flagrant debauchery; from finding love to losing hope, this is the life journey of a Chinese gay guy born in KL, Malaysia where he tries to make sense of his homosexuality, his life and the world around him.
17 December 2012
15 December 2012
遗憾
人生是由很多故事组成的，而遗憾是其中的一部分。
某些遗憾造成的残缺是可以弥补的，某些则不行。
仔细想过之后，你就会知道，什么对自己来说是重要的，而什么是可以，或是该放弃的。我们都只是在做同一个动作而已，就是尽量让自己不要有遗憾。
《微雨之城》 藤井树
14 December 2012
存在的假矛盾
有人说，你需要这么痴情，这么伟大吗？我说，伟大？不，我一点也不伟大，反而很可耻。只是一些事实你不懂，所以你才把我的无耻当成痴情。我相信当你知道实情后，你一定不会有这种想法。然而我却不会把真相告诉你，因为我没有勇气去面对。我只能说，我是在把它包装起来，让自己不那么空虚而已。一切都不过是为了欺骗自己，欺骗世界的大谎言。不要太执著我写的任何东西。真的，虽然写的都是真心剖白，然而同一时间却也都是心的谎言。
13 December 2012
路一直都在
亲爱的，今天很凑巧的去到你家附近，原本只是经过而已，然而却不知道为何走错路，结果在兜回去的时候，出现在你家外的大路上。我当下在想，如果我现在把头转去一边，我会否看见你的车就停在我的旁边呢？又或是你的车在反方向的路上行驶，我们的目光在那零点零几秒的时间内接触。明显的，这都是机率不大的事情。
然而来到这里，我却感觉到心在隐约的悸动。我想起你不满我就算走了多次，都不大记得去你家的方向。我想起我们在那条从市中心去你家的高速公路上，我俩疯狂抚弄对方的大胆行为。我想起我们在附近的麦当劳吃东西的甜蜜。这都是一些我保留着的记忆。其实，我都会尽量避免再次去到我们曾经去过的地方，我怕我会触景伤情，我更怕我在那些地方遇见了你，却出现我俩无言以对的尴尬场面。我怕我承受不了到时的失落。
有人问我为何放不下你。我告诉他们，不是放不下而是不想放下，因为我视你为我人生中的唯一。我曾默默许下承诺，心不再为谁感动，然而我却不是在这里等待你的归来，因为我知道到你不会回来了。我的心保留的，是我对你的思念和亏欠。
我俩分道扬镳，你走上属于你自己的人生道路，我步上那条没有你的未来。未来的路如何走，我不知道。经过了这么多风雨，我以为我会找到人生的出路，奈何原来设下方向行走是这么难的，接下来这段拾荒之路，我会走着瞧，看着办。
然而来到这里，我却感觉到心在隐约的悸动。我想起你不满我就算走了多次，都不大记得去你家的方向。我想起我们在那条从市中心去你家的高速公路上，我俩疯狂抚弄对方的大胆行为。我想起我们在附近的麦当劳吃东西的甜蜜。这都是一些我保留着的记忆。其实，我都会尽量避免再次去到我们曾经去过的地方，我怕我会触景伤情，我更怕我在那些地方遇见了你，却出现我俩无言以对的尴尬场面。我怕我承受不了到时的失落。
有人问我为何放不下你。我告诉他们，不是放不下而是不想放下，因为我视你为我人生中的唯一。我曾默默许下承诺，心不再为谁感动，然而我却不是在这里等待你的归来，因为我知道到你不会回来了。我的心保留的，是我对你的思念和亏欠。
我俩分道扬镳，你走上属于你自己的人生道路，我步上那条没有你的未来。未来的路如何走，我不知道。经过了这么多风雨，我以为我会找到人生的出路，奈何原来设下方向行走是这么难的，接下来这段拾荒之路，我会走着瞧，看着办。
07 December 2012
Chapter 2
After the class finished, I saw him talking to some of the other members and I know that he is going to take his time. So I went on to run on the treadmill for fifteen minutes or so. I have registered for a half marathon later next month, and I haven't been working out exactly. I worry that since I didn't practice, I might have difficulties during the last league of my run. Having joined a few marathons, I have no doubt that I can finish the race, it's just a matter of timing. The funny thing about participating in a marathon is that, every time I curse my own foolishness during the run and swore that it will be my last, yet I come back to it again. A glutton for pain I guess.
By the time I went into the shower, the crowd has thinned. I strip off my gym cloth and wrap the white towel around my waist. There was a cute guy sitting on the bench opposite me, I thought I caught him eyeing me while I was getting ready to shower. Presumably the shower in this gym is quite cruisy, I have witness a few stiff cocks hanging around. Though I yearn for a first hand experience yet it remains elusive to me. As I went into the cubicle to shower, I thought I caught the cute guy again at the corner of my eye, but when I finished showering, he was nowhere to be seen. I look at the clock hanging on the wall and it's nearly half pass nine, so I quickly pat myself dry and change into a pair of navy blue jean, and a white collared t-shirt then walk out of the gym.
We met up at the cafe on ground floor. He said that he was famish and ordered a plate of spaghetti and a glass of ice lemon tea. Though tempted by the menu, I restrain myself from ordering anything too heavy, finally settled with a ceasar salad and a cup of hot mocha. As we were waiting for the food to arrive, we chit chat about what has been going on with our lives lately and he started complaining about his boyfriend. He says his boyfriend is being too controlling, that the boyfriend is not happy with him being near other men. That prove to be an annoyance as he has quite a number of admirers hanging around him. I just look at him and comment that he is handling the delicate situation very well. He look back and gave me a smile.
The drinks arrived first, then came the food. As we were dining, we gossip about some of the common friends that we had, just to keep each other updated. We finished our food and he took out a pack of cigarette. I know how to smoke, but I am not a smoker myself, don't even consider myself a social smoker, but once in awhile I will give puffing a try. Just as I exhale the smoke, he suddenly drop the bomb and told me that his substance abuse habit is getting the worse of him and his relationship with the boyfriend.
By the time I went into the shower, the crowd has thinned. I strip off my gym cloth and wrap the white towel around my waist. There was a cute guy sitting on the bench opposite me, I thought I caught him eyeing me while I was getting ready to shower. Presumably the shower in this gym is quite cruisy, I have witness a few stiff cocks hanging around. Though I yearn for a first hand experience yet it remains elusive to me. As I went into the cubicle to shower, I thought I caught the cute guy again at the corner of my eye, but when I finished showering, he was nowhere to be seen. I look at the clock hanging on the wall and it's nearly half pass nine, so I quickly pat myself dry and change into a pair of navy blue jean, and a white collared t-shirt then walk out of the gym.
We met up at the cafe on ground floor. He said that he was famish and ordered a plate of spaghetti and a glass of ice lemon tea. Though tempted by the menu, I restrain myself from ordering anything too heavy, finally settled with a ceasar salad and a cup of hot mocha. As we were waiting for the food to arrive, we chit chat about what has been going on with our lives lately and he started complaining about his boyfriend. He says his boyfriend is being too controlling, that the boyfriend is not happy with him being near other men. That prove to be an annoyance as he has quite a number of admirers hanging around him. I just look at him and comment that he is handling the delicate situation very well. He look back and gave me a smile.
The drinks arrived first, then came the food. As we were dining, we gossip about some of the common friends that we had, just to keep each other updated. We finished our food and he took out a pack of cigarette. I know how to smoke, but I am not a smoker myself, don't even consider myself a social smoker, but once in awhile I will give puffing a try. Just as I exhale the smoke, he suddenly drop the bomb and told me that his substance abuse habit is getting the worse of him and his relationship with the boyfriend.
05 December 2012
Stronger by comparison
I'm pondering bout the saying, what can't kill you makes you stronger. What if it is killing you slowly? Should I grow weak as the day pass? Or as the saying goes, since I am not dead, it should make me stronger? Though I am a believer in extremism, trying to see the world in black and white, I find myself lost in shades of grey especially in situation such as these. The feeling of helplessness for the inability to control the direction in life draws one deeper into the whirlpool.
01 December 2012
New hope maybe?
It's funny how people is sometimes. We hope for things that would never come by. I thought that I am already pass that childish notion, of wanting what I know I would never get. But I guess I am human still, as much as I steel myself against the world, I can't help but feel vulnerable deep within, especially during those special days in life.
I have stop hoping for things in life, for I thought I have come to terms with the fact that I will never ever get what I hope for most. Thus I relinquish myself of all effort to hope. But that makes life bitters, without hope how would one live? But now I wonder, is that-which-is-not-attainable something that I still hope for? Did I manage to let go of wanting it, and move on to wanting other things in life? I thought I was firm then. I ask myself, how can one regain themselves when they have lost the very essence of life, the will to live? But it seems that human is forgetful, or maybe it was simply instinct to make painful memories fade, for as long as I still have the strength to breathe and the thought of snugging into eternal slumber does not surface, I can always find replacement for purpose to fuel the journey ahead.
I have stop hoping for things in life, for I thought I have come to terms with the fact that I will never ever get what I hope for most. Thus I relinquish myself of all effort to hope. But that makes life bitters, without hope how would one live? But now I wonder, is that-which-is-not-attainable something that I still hope for? Did I manage to let go of wanting it, and move on to wanting other things in life? I thought I was firm then. I ask myself, how can one regain themselves when they have lost the very essence of life, the will to live? But it seems that human is forgetful, or maybe it was simply instinct to make painful memories fade, for as long as I still have the strength to breathe and the thought of snugging into eternal slumber does not surface, I can always find replacement for purpose to fuel the journey ahead.
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