Ouroboros

Discrimination is a common vice among human. Being gay is hard enough, yet we discriminate our own kind the worst. Gays are so superficial that we give the word discrimination a whole new meaning. Some discrimination we are born into like skin color and height. Some discrimination such as weight and outlook can be managed if we have the will to change it. Sometimes we put up defenses against such discrimination towards ourselves, retorting and reassuring ourselves that we are beautiful, that we are all created equal. But discrimination persevere and we merely shuts the cruel world outside.

To discriminate is bad, but even worse is when one allows the discrimination to consume you, feeding the flame of hatred towards being discriminated. And in order to avoid being hurt again by such discrimination, one become paranoid towards everything around him. People must treat one with respect else all hell break lose. One strive to be dominant and controlling in order to keep everyone in check for one's best interest.

But the barb wire that keeps people from harming one also drives them away. In order to protect one self, one drives people away with one's paranoia, arrogance, ignorance and foul temper. In the end, one became discriminated and deserted at the same time. The loneliness then further feeds the flame that engulfs one wholly in an everlasting despair.

There is only so much one can do about discrimination from others, but one should never allows such discrimination to engulf oneself and in the end became utterly destroyed by one's inability to make peace with one self and the world. In order to change the world, one must start with changing one self. If one don't care enough to take the initiative to change, why would the world cares? If one can't see one's true self, what does it matter how the world sees? Consume by one own folly, condemned to eternal despair. Blame not the world, one has only oneself to be blamed.

Passed the Point of No Return

18 November 2009, a day to be remembered. On this day, I went on to end two over 5 years long relationships. First I quit my job, my first job that I have worked for the pass 6 years. It was a great job, but somehow I find myself reaching a bottle neck there. When you dread going to work, where there is no happiness in it, it is time to make a career change. Of course there are other factors involve such as my opinion on how the company functions and other trivial matters, but still, being unhappy at work was the major drive.

This sentiment has been there for quite awhile, and I have actually decided to quit since half a year ago but on my brother's advice, I delayed it until I find a new job, which I have still yet to. And then, it hits me, if I were to follow my instinct and quit a few months back, I would be a hell lot more different person now. Not necessary happier, might even be in desperation to find a new job, but at least then I would have a drive to do something. Now, I'm at a stagnant point where no matter what my boss asked me to do, I have no further interest then completing it. I thought that a paradigm shift would help me see new light in things, but it only makes me realize that it is not what I want. Contrary to what people think is best for me, when I myself does not feel the connection, all is in vain.

On the same night, I broke off with my bf. It was a sad thing for both of us. He loved me so much but our distance and the things that I have done, made me realize that I should be unselfishly selfish. One should be unselfish for others yet one should also be selfish for yourself. We have come to a stage that we are more family then lovers, which makes me feel strain. Somehow that is not what love should be.

So I decided to quit both and start anew. My boss tells me that she is happy that I have come to my senses and decided to change, and that I should make the best out of what I am having now and not start again from scratch. He also asked me why is it that when I decided to start my new life, I cannot include him in it. To that, I honestly say, I don't know. I guess it is just my weird perception towards life. The more I think about it, the more confusing it became, the less I want to think about it. In order to move on, I want to just cut it off and move on.

It's same like running a marathon. An hour into the run when I am tired and in pain, I ask myself why I subject myself to such torture. But by then I am already half way down the track, there is no turning back but keep on pressing forward until I reach the end. I no longer ask the question if it is right or wrong. All that matters that is keep on moving forward.

:Daniel

Daniel is a very fun and to-be-made-fun-of name, which have a lot of improvised variations such as Danny, Dani, Dan, Deno, Danilo, Danko, Danyil etc. One can actually go crazy in improvising the spelling of the name for the benefit of their numerology. A lot of people, except Daniel themselves (I hope), probably doesn't know this, Daniel means "Judgment of God", which leads to a not that widely known phrase, a Daniel come to judgment. Although it did make a popular appearance in Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice, though I doubt many among us knows about The Merchant of Venice, let alone have read about it. The phrase itself means someone who makes a wise judgment about something that has previously proven difficult to resolve. O Daniel, how I do honor thee.

And being so close to God, it is only natural that there is a Book of Daniel.

There is a famous Irish song, which was ironically written by an American that has never step foot on Ireland, called Danny Boy. If you are aware of the trend of the current gay culture, you would find the first line of the lyric "Oh Danny boy, the pipes,the pipes are calling" as amusing as I find it.



There was actually two songs titled Daniel. One was by the Queen Diva himself, Sir Elton John written in the 70s while the other was more contemporary by Bat for Lashes. Two very different songs but interestingly, there must be something divine in Daniel's eye which attracts both songs to mentioned it.





Last but not least, the name Daniel can be anagrammed to denial, which brings us to Daniel in denial. Something which I often use for my Daniel friends.

Halloween 2009

Halloween 2009 was rather eventful in a way that it has nothing to do with Halloween. Due to some rather unhealthy activity the previous night, I hardly get enough quality sleep yet I woke up around 10am. Had my breakfast and went to gym at 11am. I was planning to clock at least an hour on the treadmill, but near to the 20 minutes mark, I was kind of out of breath and decided to call it. I was also planning to practice a new breathing routine while running, which I googled about on how to reduce the pain in the chest while running. I have tried it and find it convincing though I think I would need to do an hour run to conclusively decide if it would work for me. Interestingly enough, all you need to do is to breathe in through your nose and breath out through the mouth to reduce the chest pain. The site I've googled did not really tells me why, might need to do some extra googling on this I guess. I also spend some time doing weight resistance training afterward. It's my fervent wish, yet again, that I could somehow tone up my body. This is turning into a spiral of despair.

I then went shopping for a water heater in Midvalley. It came at a surprise to find that Harvey Norman does not carry water heater. Best Denki was pathetic where all the staff are just hogging near the plasma tv, not giving a damn about people buying less expensive electronics. And I want to add that a water heater in the shop cost a minimum RM500, which isn't really that small an amount. End up, I bought a basic unit in SS2 instead at less then RM350 later the night serendipitily.

There was a new place to eat in MV that I came across called The Spaghetti Farm, selling spagehetti of course. I gave it a try and find the food mediocre. At RM12 for a set meal, I know of other place in MV that serves better meal. The one thing about this place is that they serve their food in bowl, which gives me the impression that the food are half full. If I'm running the place, I would place my food in a smaller plate to give the illusion that I'm serving a huge portion. Even if the food is crappy, people would return when they consider the portion.

Went home to take a nap and went out again to dinner with a friend. I was chauffeur in my friend's mini. Mini are at the moment my dream car. I like the idea of a tall person driving a small car. Why not a kancil or kenari? Ok, I like the idea of a tall person driving a small but expensive car. So I'm vain, sue me. Mini is actually quite spacious inside, enough for two anyway.

We then watch Surrogates. Lousy movie with too many loop holes. All in all, it was a fun Saturday and happy Halloween.

Talak Battah

I have known couples, straight and gay, that likes to breakup simply just to makeup later. They says that it spice up the relationship. In the end, these couples never stayed together.

I don't believe in making up after breaking up. Reconciliation just wouldn't work at all. It takes a leap of faith to start a relationship, dedication to maintain one and determination to end one. It's one thing to fight and makeup, it's totally different when breakup is involved. If you can cry breakup just because of some nuisance, I seriously doubt how serious you are in the relationship. And if you are with someone who threaten you by breaking up with you, I'll say good riddance to him if I were you. Who need someone insecure in their life? Drama, well, it is my belief that drama is best enjoyed when it doesn't involve me.

Some say that if you truly loved someone, his flaws will seems like his best attributes. But when his best attributes starts to annoys you, then it is an indication that somehow you have loved him less. To be, or not to be: that is the question: whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?