Outtributes

Outtributes : The attributes of someone that is out of the closet

I've noticed that as a gay man becomes more comfortable with his sexuality, he becomes ever more in touch with his feminine side. Not that I'm saying that they are sissy in anyway, but you can somehow feel that they are exuding feminines. They way there move their butt as they walk, the way they hold the cutlery or the way they roll their eyes all points to the flashing pink neon sign with the word GAY. This seems especially true for men that are openly gay where they are often more bitchy than the rest of the gay around them. If he have the guts to tell people around him he is gay, he is more than capable to bitch about anything he feels like. They themselves might even be against sissy people and considered them salah, which sometimes is funny. A kakak calling another kakak salah. Of course one can only laugh at it privately for one can never survive when they start pouring down on you for the fault you have done them.

People who are in their closet also demonstrate this peculiar trait when they are among peers of the same kind. They are more loosen up when they know whatever gay stuff they said will be well received and doesn't jeopardize them in any way like how it might if they let slip things concerning their sexuality among straight peers. The macho gentlemen suddenly becomes this soft spoken man that speaks two node higher.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

6 Degrees of Seperation

Was chilling with a friend and were gossiping away on what not. One topic leads to another, we end up on the topic of sex, more specifically how many men one has slept with. We both have no ideas what the exact figure was, and collectively we conclude that most gay men would have lost count also. We also did a cross checking and realize that we have two seemingly isolated group of contacts but upon further investigation, we discovered that we have tried the same men before during different period in time. Not that it came as a surprise.

(Sure, it might seems that we are kissing and telling, which might not be the most gracious thing to do and probably be one of the bigger taboo too, but we have done worse things than that. Never for a moment were we pretending to be good, as a matter of fact, if the conventional wisdom on after life is true, we probably have a one way express ticket to hell already. So, that's probably the least of our worries. Plus, there is a price to pay to scientific analysis. All in the name of science.)

It seems that the social butterfly, or slut as most people would refer to them although we have coined them Samantha Jones instead, does live up to their reputation indeed. They are the missing link that connects us to each other. Think about it, at some point in the past, you and I and everyone else, regardless of our differences have bedded the same man. Now, isn't this where world peace starts? Make love, not war. And, if you have bedded enough men, you would have probably bedded the man that have bedded a man you wish but can never bed. There should be some form of comfort in knowing that, no? Count your blessings, there are worse things that one could extrapolate and postulate base on this.

Serendipity

The fun thing about knowing things that you shouldn't know about other people is intensively exciting, especially when it's gay stuff. I was checking out other men's profile on a certain website and came across a blog url, which I would usually check out. The writings were mature and the content interesting, as it is written by a gay living in KL. He often mention his friend's name in a slightly masqueraded style. All is well until I came across a piece that mentioned a name and that whatever that he was writing about seems to be about someone I knew. Upon further reading, I was able to confirm that he was talking about exactly the same guy. At that point, laughter burst out. Somehow the sense of voyeurism makes me laugh uncontrollably. The things you find out by reading other people's blog is simply amazing. All praise the miracle of serendipity. Lesson learned, refrain yourself from indulging your secrets to people who blog. Haha.

On the same website, in a totally different situation, someone I knew professionally previously messaged me. I knew that he was gay long ago and thus try to stay clear of him. I am not sure if he knows I'm gay, or whether he knew I knew he is gay, but that is irrelevant. It wasn't exactly surprising when he ask me if I want to have fun, it was the next question he asked that surprised me. Well, maybe not surprising since its becoming a rampant activity within the circle. But the fact that he have tried them gives me mixed feeling. What if he knew I have the same habit? Awkwardness to the max indeed.


This MV was posted on the blog, it was a nice MV but the singer did a terrible cover of the original song. I guess it's asking too much nowadays to have the best of both world.

Pride & Prejudice

There remains a certain pride among the gay community in saying, "I don't look gay". I am not saying that there is anything wrong in looking gay, but the general association is that gay is sissy, and that itself is not being look upon as a positive trait. It is interesting to note that gay people are often so critical towards effeminacy yet they themselves cry foul when homosexuality is called into question. Human are very selective indeed.

Another general association is that gay people don't like sports or video games. I guess going to gym for weight training is not consider a sport, regardless of how competitive some people are in getting the best physique. Oh, spare me the talk about it making you feel great etc, we all know there are hidden agendas in the form of getting hookups. I also assume that playing dota, halo or cs is bloody enough that only straight man would be interested in them. Furthermore, anything artistic especially in the form of fashion is also associated with gays. It's funny that if you say you like to cook or bake, people would associate it with being gay, but if that is a profession, then it is alright for a man to be involved in the culinary world.

Often people will tell me that others do not suspect them being gay because of their past. Nobody would suspect that they are gay because they have been active in school. Prefects maybe, sports maybe and of course my all time favorite, I have girl friend(s) when I was in school/college/university, they might even screwed a girl or two. 1 for the gay folks, take that straight man!

So why are these people gay now? Most of them resort to the vague explanation of having feeling for a certain man, and of course later involve the fascination with the male genital. So, ends up all the bullshit about them being head boy, football team captain, attached with girls has really nothing to do with deterring them from being gay. So, why do people still take pride in not looking gay because of all these things that has nothing to do with their sexuality in the first place?

Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us. So by not looking gay, I wonder if that is gay pride or merely gay vanity.

The Road Not Taken

"Do you still want to be in a relationship?"
"No."
"Ever?"
"You know, I like the feeling of going after someone, but not really a big fan of being with someone."
"But the purpose of going after someone is to be with him in the end."
"Yeah, but when you settled with someone, a whole lot of mess just spring up and would be such a bitch to live through."
"You have commitment issues."
"Maybe. But don't you agree that people usually complains about the relationship once they are settled together. People don't bitch about those things when they are merely seeing each other."
"That's what relationship is about."
"Which is why I don't think I'll go into a full fledged relationship anytime soon."
"Typical PLU."
"By typical, you are referring to yourself too you know."

I find myself contemplating what kind of relationship I would want to involve myself in. It seems that I am discontented with the idea of typical gay relationship. Some aim for that one and only man that he shall spend the remaining of his life with. Some are bitter towards men that they have lost themselves in the pain that men had caused them. Some men are in open relationship, and by open, they merely need more sexual option. Some men has forsake the possibility of love and emerge themselves in other aspect of life. What do I want?

Like any greedy man, I wanted to leave my options open. But like most greedy man, I am unable to cope with the stress that comes with keeping my options open. To juggle between different men whether it be relationship or sex, are equally demanding and exhausting. We always want to believe we can handle all the options, but truth is, most of us only end up messing the whole thing instead. But then, we never learn, do we? Either that, or people get so badly hurt, they never recover. It is always the two extreme, where is the normal distribution of a statistical common bell shape curve?

Ask not for any return and you shall be contented with life. Would that work in a relationship? That I were to be nearly wanting to get close to you but not expecting you to reciprocate any feeling, would that not make me a fool instead? But a fool is often happy as long as he remains a fool. Maybe a little paradigm shift is in need, it's not foolishly happy in love, but to see of it as the path of happiness by choosing to act the fool in love. It makes sense, does it not?

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

In the end, it is really what we feel that matter most.

忽然迷茫

以为自己会期待新的开始，
但心却异常的平淡，
几乎是没有放在心头上，
却很奇怪地被突如其来的选择影响了。

我质疑了我原先的选择，
反复地问自己做对了吗，
我的决定是否太过仓促了呢，
还期许有一个路标指向我应该去的方向，
忽然间我迷茫了。

不知道什么时候变得不能自主了，
不是说了从不后悔吗？
那坚决的心迷失了吗？
才发现我失去了那个倾诉的对象，
原来我也习惯了依赖他，
心感触了。

闭上眼睛想象他会对我说什么，
其实拨个电话就懂了，
但却没有那个冲动，
原来那个固执的心还在。

告诉自己既然想不通就不要去想吧，
到了抉择的那一天，
答案自然就会有了。

Ouroboros

Discrimination is a common vice among human. Being gay is hard enough, yet we discriminate our own kind the worst. Gays are so superficial that we give the word discrimination a whole new meaning. Some discrimination we are born into like skin color and height. Some discrimination such as weight and outlook can be managed if we have the will to change it. Sometimes we put up defenses against such discrimination towards ourselves, retorting and reassuring ourselves that we are beautiful, that we are all created equal. But discrimination persevere and we merely shuts the cruel world outside.

To discriminate is bad, but even worse is when one allows the discrimination to consume you, feeding the flame of hatred towards being discriminated. And in order to avoid being hurt again by such discrimination, one become paranoid towards everything around him. People must treat one with respect else all hell break lose. One strive to be dominant and controlling in order to keep everyone in check for one's best interest.

But the barb wire that keeps people from harming one also drives them away. In order to protect one self, one drives people away with one's paranoia, arrogance, ignorance and foul temper. In the end, one became discriminated and deserted at the same time. The loneliness then further feeds the flame that engulfs one wholly in an everlasting despair.

There is only so much one can do about discrimination from others, but one should never allows such discrimination to engulf oneself and in the end became utterly destroyed by one's inability to make peace with one self and the world. In order to change the world, one must start with changing one self. If one don't care enough to take the initiative to change, why would the world cares? If one can't see one's true self, what does it matter how the world sees? Consume by one own folly, condemned to eternal despair. Blame not the world, one has only oneself to be blamed.