Chapter 1

I thought I caught him at the corner of my eyes but when I paused and turn my head around, it was not him walking by. And it hits me suddenly that I still miss him a lot. My heart aches every time I think about him, of all the pain that I have caused him. The feeling of guilt overwhelms me and my eyes watered slightly. I close my eye, took a deep breath and continue walking.

It's twenty pass seven in the evening. Just after office hour. The gym is starting to pack with people. I scanned my membership card at the counter and proceed to exchange it for two white towels. I run up the short steps onto the second floor and went into the male changing room. Men of different ages and shapes is changing inside. Some of them dashing, some of them disaster, but after coming here for nearly 6 years, I'm somehow unmoved by the sight of near naked men.

I took the water bottle out of and lock my bag inside. With the smaller towel flung over my right shoulder, I left the changing room and went back down to the first floor. The previous class hasn't finish yet, so I move to one of the machine to lift some weights. I thought to myself, if only I have done it properly, I would have a six pack by now, but then again, there are a lot of things that I should have done but never come about doing. That makes me think about him again. I push the feeling aside.

The class finish and the people inside came out. The next group went in to put their boards onto the floor. I went in, grab my boards and put it on my usual spot at the left corner. We all waiting for the step class instructor to come.

I've joined step class since I first joined this gym several years ago. I tried dancing too but then I found out that I can't dance. Instead, step turns into something that I am quite good at, from beginner class to advance class, I stepped up. I guess I can be consider a senior of the class, but of course everybody in here can follow the class well.

Seven fifty and he is late again but that his habit. I told him about my annoyance of him being late, but he jokingly explains to me that it's the diva in him, so I have to accept it. I did. I met him in this exact class, and I have to admit that I joined the class because of him. He was cute. I was thrill when I had a chance to play with him in bed. It's kind of like dream come true back then. After that we kept our promiscuous relationship and remained friends with benefits. I have feelings for him, but it never to blossom into anything. I was disappointed once, but now I'm glad that it didn't.

Finally he came in right before the class started and put his board on the other end of the room. The music starts. He saw me and motion for us to go for dinner later. I nod my head and then turn my attention to the class.

What's right?

I have never been good with dates. I have forgotten when exactly it happens. Sometimes it feels like ages ago, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Regardless, the emotion remains strong. I've tried to explain to myself that it's karma, I've tried convincing myself that I am in control, I even tried to be delusional. But alas, there is a revelation out of all these still, at least for now.

Is there a reason to all these self explanation? It serves to calm myself every time it turns into a turmoil inside. It seems that I need to justify my own action. I realize that there is a consequences to all the things done, but at this point in my life, consequences is the last thing in my mind. I tell myself, what is there to care about, I have been forsaken. What is your life to do with me? But then, this tiny voice inside my head whisper to me, saying that I should not let others bear this pain that I feel. I guess I have some conscience left in me. But still, I don't seem to make the right decision eventhough I know what's the right thing to do. Curious how perverted the mind can be when death weights so heavily onto one.

你的下一生从这里开始

我来到一个很奇怪的地方，一个一望无际的白色空间。在我前面有人在排队。我回头看，人龙一直往后延伸。每个人之间的距离都有至少两步，由于太安静了，我也不好意思问我前后的人，大家排队等什么。

很快的我走到队伍前，在我眼前一排打开是很多的柜台，柜台前都有坐着一个身穿白衣的人，而在他对面的是另一个穿着黑衣的人。这时我才发现我也是一身白衣。我抬头一看，柜台上有个大型的牌板，上面写着《你的下一生从这里开始》。我的脑里似乎抓住一些东西，但是又不太确定是什么。

我慌神了一阵，就看见左边第八个柜台空了出来，我慢步的走向那里。坐下后，我看见一个挺帅气的男生坐在前面。他微笑的看着我，向我问好。我的嘴唇微扬，点头向他微笑。我在等他告诉我，下一步该做什么。

他跟我说，每一个人开始新的一生前都有两个选择。根据这两个选择，我们可以决定下一生的大方向。他向我解释这两个选择是什么，他说我们可以选择自己的性格或是选择自己的命运。这两个选择有各自的优点和缺点，他详细的跟我解说。

他说，第一个选择是《人定胜天》，意思就是说我们可以根据所提供的选项里头，选择几个自己要的特性，但是命运却不掌握在自己手中。下一生，我们只能够靠着这些特性来抵抗命运长河的起伏。他举例说，可能我选择了出众的样貌和倔强的性格，所以如果我们命运中带有明星运，那么我就可能凭着这两种特性创一番事业，但是如果命运中带有红颜薄命，那么我的样貌就足以致命。也可能我的命运让我诞生在战场上，这个出众的样貌可能根本无法对我带来任何影响，但是倔强的性格却可以让我活下来。

第二个选择是《听天由命》，意思是我们可以选择自己命运的大方向。我们可以选择一生平淡劳碌命，或是先甜后苦命，也可以尝试红颜薄命。只要选择了自己的命运大方向，就会被分配到一些性格，这些性格可以左右我一生的起伏，但是我却永远无法抵抗命运的潮汐。他举例说，譬如我选择了一生平淡劳碌命，但是我可能被分配到《野心》，所以在这个命运下，无论我多努力，我的野心永远都不会达到，反之如果我选择《飞上枝头变凤凰》，那么就算我没有被分配到美貌，我也依然会成为被捧在掌心。当然这都有不同程度的计算，不需要我知道个中的巧妙。

我问说，可以知道这两个选择里头的选项吗？他笑笑说，我必须在两个之中选一个才能继续知道我接下来的选项，这样才公平。要不然大家都会选最好的选择，这样世界就大乱了。我沉思在自己的计算里，男生一点不耐烦也没有。他只是静静的等待我的恢复。最终我选择了《听天由命》，因为我想到说，只要命运不错，那么人生路就不会太坎坷了。

这个故事想说的其实是说服自己，不要怨恨自己的人生，很多事情都是自己决定的，就连那些虚无缥缈的事也是冥冥之中由自己掌握了一部分。告诉自己说，人生如此，离离原上草，一岁一枯荣。

The One That Got Away

Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on, In another life, I would be your boy, be us against the world.

再见我的爱人

《 再见我的爱人 》温柔的情，热哄的心，甜蜜的吻，醉人的歌声，我会永远爱你在心底。

What Works

Why do people resort to extreme practices or habits to escape the pain that they feel inside? Because it works. Eventhough it only works while so ever shortly, which is why it turns into an addiction. The truth is that they know the implication of their action, but during that particular time of sorrow and pain, what they want is only to forget their pain. Once they are sober again and the pain starts to eat them up inside once more, they dwell back into their extremities yet again. Repeating the whole vicious cycle until one day, the pain was long forgotten but the addiction remains. We look at them and say, you have lost your direction. We can no longer hear the ghostly past that haunts them and their blank stares buried their pain deep within. We judge them, not understanding the pain they have to endure, we thought that they have lost their common sense, but we ourselves forgot that when we are hurting, what we held onto is not common sense but a lack of any senses.

妹式情歌的感触

在阿妹的演唱会里，我听见了一首又一首的情歌，当中有一些让我想起了你，想起了我们，勾起了我心中的痛。我感觉到泪水在我眼眶中打滚，但是我告诉自己必须坚强，因为你已经选择往前走了。虽然我依然在原地踏步，幻想着你还在我身边，但是我知道这是我放不开也看不见未来。我最亲爱的，你过的怎么样？。有没有想过我，像普通旧朋友，还是你依然会心疼我，好多好多的话想对你说，悬着一棵心没著落。一句句的歌词在心中浮动，眼泪不禁落下。

Bersih 3.0

I was at the Berish 3.0 rally for a different reason, but I was there nonetheless. I waited and walked to Merdeka Square like the rest, and felt the tear gas too, although I count myself lucky as I only catch a slight stink of the awful weapon used.

The truth is I don't really care about electoral reform or how corrupted the current government is. For one, I leave no children behind, thus whatever happens has no consequences to me. Eventhough I have other family members here, but it doesn't seem to matter that much to me. I guess that is how some gay feels too. But then again, I know of other gays that feels strongly towards this cause, and I applaud them for it. Someone has to do it, if it's not me, than it is somebody else. But still, that doesn't stop me from feeling disturbed by the things that happened on that day, through the viewing of the videos posted. Do I smell jasmine? I hope not.