爱·玲(2)

我无意中伤害了你 　　 　　　　
你难过地离开 　　 　　　　
我要站在这里 　　 　　　　
等你回来 　　 　　　　
别万一你回来的时候 　　 　　　　
我已经不在这儿等了 　　 　　　　
那你该有多伤心啊 　　 　　　　
你那么脆弱 　　 　　　　
我怕你承受不了 　　 　　　　
我在等的 　　 　　　　
一直在等 　　
<张爱玲语录>

爱·玲(1)

有一种失落，不能说，只能靠感受
有一种悲凉，不能说，只能靠敛藏
有一种喜欢，只能靠欺骗来隐瞒
有一种心痛，叫做爱不能语 　　

我感激你给了我一份美丽的回忆
感激你留给我一个美丽的梦
我感激你让我伤心流泪
让我获取一份成熟 　　 　　

我无法改变你人生的丝毫 　　
甚至无法用绚丽的色彩点缀你的生活 　　
我只能躲在我生命的角落里 　　
倾听你的心跳， 　　
享受你赐给的哀伤 　　 　

我只能用言语向你表述 　　
但你的心似乎永远无法听懂 　　
无心的聆听 　　
是一种悲哀 　　
再见 亲爱的
原谅我的堕落
<张爱玲语录>

Betrayer of Trust

It hurts to have your trust betrayed. But then you have to ask yourself, was the trust hard earned or was it merely a trust given at first sight? Sometimes against our better judgement, we put our faith in people that we barely know because they somehow exude a sense of trustfulness. And as the truth unfold, the magnitude of the lies involve daunts you. Should we curse the opportunist when it is you yourself that let the door open?


Why justify the act of cheating you ask. Well, in this great society of presumption where one is innocent until proven guilty, even liars have to be defended. Just because liars are at fault, doesn't mean they should not be heard. Just because their reasoning is askew, doesn't mean it should be straighten out. Where is the freedom if we deny the wrongful to speak their right mind?


As someone who knows what betrayal taste like, I have to say that betraying leaves a tingling after taste that makes you wanting for more. There is a sweetness to the spinning lies, a bitterness to the remorse, and at the back of the tongue, a choking feeling of reality crushing down. Liars are glutton for the sweet poison of misery. 

生日快乐

我透过面子书知道今天是你的生日
我不是忘记了
只是我选择不要去记得

我挣扎了很久是否要和你说声生日快乐
最后我还是放弃了
不是固执
只是不想让大家尴尬
既然你选择向前走
而我却选择原地踏步
永远无法交集的世界就让他保留原状吧
呐喊式的回响是让人厌烦的
这我很清楚

虽然我幻想你会看见这些我为你而写的文字
但我知道这是我的妄想

Journey to the Lostworld

It was 3 in the morning on a weekday, I was driving home and passed by the famous Lostworld. Eventhough I live quite near to it, the number of times I've been there can probably be counted by two hands. The last time I've been there, well, I don't really remember actually when I was there last. So feeling a bit adventurous, I made a detour into the carpark and to my surprise, there were actually people there still.

So I park my car and walked down. Didn't really travel far, was just walking at the car park and this guy stopped me at my track. He asked me to join him in his Lexus. He was actually quite insistent as he grab my hand. What's worse is that against my better judgement, I went into his car. Well, to my defense, I thought that since I have never experience this before, I might as well give it a try. Who knows, it might turn out great.

Well, nothing too erotic happened. He wanted to kiss me but I decline, mainly cause he contradict himself during our short conversation. He says he don't come here often, yet his action shows otherwise.Sometimes I wonder why people lie like this. Was it shame? Or do they think that by pretending to be innocent, they can get hookup easier. But really, nobody is new to all this nowadays, not even a 12 years old.

Afterwards we left his car and was walking in the carpark again. He was suggesting to hookup with another person for threesome, which again, contradicts his earlier statement of being new to all this. Anyway, as I decline him again, he tried to ask me to get into his car again, but seeing that I'm in open space, it's easier for me to escape. Who knows he might drive me somewhere and force me to rape him...

Around 4ish, I drove home tired. This adventure has been troubling to a certain extent. But at least I know that I wouldn't be feeling the same type of adventurous again anytime soon.

Closure

Closure in life is good. Sometimes we need closure to help get over something or someone. It might not really cover it up, but at least it is a step towards letting it go. But there is a sadness to endure if the closure comes in the aspect of relationship, whether it is lover, family or friends. But something has to be done, some people you have to let go in order for you to move on, eventhough there is nowhere to go. But I guess in this way, we are letting go for them to move on, at least if we believe it hard enough, this makes the act more noble.

I have always been called a cold person, me with my rarely smiling face and unapproachable character. I was content with this kind of relationship with the world and people around me. Then love struck and some bad karma come along, kicking and screaming, I was bruised and can no longer find my way back to solitude. Instead of a life cast by overhang shadows which I can sometimes hide in, life becomes a perceptual darkness instead. One might think that something huge might have block out the sunlight and everything will go back to usual, but when darkness lingers, you know it's here to stay. Closed and sealed shut.

一向年光有限身

一向年光有限身，
等闲离别易销魂。
酒筵歌席莫辞频。

满目山河空念远，
落花风雨更伤春。
不如怜取眼前人。
《临江仙·一向年光有限身》 晏殊

在一个熟悉的氛围下，
我缅怀那一段满目疮痍的过去，
心中所溅起忧伤，
像涟漪般
荡开
消散。

泪光闪烁在眼眸中，
像光阴般一闪而过，
我无奈
我感叹
人生一去不复返。

当下的感触
让长久以来压抑
有一丝的解放，
最后却化作一缕轻烟
回归那虚无的深渊，
灵魂
黯然
低吟。

July

Half a year has gone by and it's already beginning of July. Some people count their blessing for they have live thus far, I mourn for myself as I am one step closer to my demise. Life is at the best as it could now, however bleak it might seems.

I think it is his birthday month, or was it September? I do not remember clearly for I never proud myself with dates. But does it matter now? Would I send him a birthday wish, or do I merely let it pass by me like everything else does. Maybe if I see someone greeting him on Facebook then I will follow suit. As much as I try to care, I failed to muster a single will to do so.

I realized that it is no longer about him or us. Seems like it is always about me and nobody else. What a revolution. But then again, what is revolution but some silly lies that we make ourselves believe. I always try to find a reason for my existence, a reason to justify my action, and it turns out that the joke is on me all this while. I have no need for reason to survive, for life is only so long.