A Pillar in Life

People get into relationship for different reasons, but the way I see it, no matter the facets of reasons, the essence is to find a pillar to support our life. Living in the modern society, a loner can hardly survive. Steeling oneself against the whole world take a lot of determination and strength, not something for a common man. Especially not when you have realize how life was with the presence of another. True, it takes a lot to maintain that pillar in our life, as it is prone to deterioration. All relationship needs effort from both side to maintain.

Momentum

Just because we meet someone online that seems compatible with each other, doesn't always means that it will translate into something substantial. Often I find that we need to ask the person out right there and then, for a drink, a date or just down right dirty fun, if we were to expect anything out of it. Else, with the momentum lost, all will be lost.

Unlike the good old days where msn is still around, we can drop by to say hi whenever we see the person online, because often, when we see another person on msn, it  means that the other guy is free. But nowadays with whatsapp or line, it's hard to tell if the person is busy with something or not. True, we can still say hi, but how disappointing it is when the person fails to reply or maybe decided to ignore the message instead. I know I have done that many a times, ignoring messages from online acquaintances.

看透

心中起伏如浪潮，原来我的心没有离开过你的身边，说看透只是欺骗自己，我痛苦的泪落向何处？

看透不过是我告诉身边人的话，
在我的心中我清楚知道我所执迷的背影，
敛藏着我对你的亏欠。
但是你已远去，
留下的痕迹已看不见轮廓，
甜美的记忆总是消逝的最快，
我让心隐隐作痛，
只为了留住我对你的思念。

痛

对你的思念，我不会斩，也不会忘……我选择痛！让我心的刺痛来记住那种感觉，让我无时无刻都感受这种刺痛，只有这样，我才会一直记住，一直……不忘。

《求魔》

Vow

I encounter millions of bodies in my life; of these millions, I may desire some hundreds; but of these hundreds, I love only one.
Roland Barthes, A Lover's Discourse: Fragments

It takes being ill to remind me of how much I missed you. Just not too long ago, I thought that the feeling has finally retreat into the background as a low murmur, but then it screams and now it echos loudly. I'm glad that the feeling returns; reminds me of where I vow to place my love.

Japanese, for real?

Had a very interesting conversation on grindr, with a japanese living in KL. He certainly opens my eyes about japanese culture. At first, I was a bit taken aback when he ask if I squat on the toilet seat while taking a dung, that certainly rank high in weirdness when it's the first few questions ask to a stranger. He mentioned that Malaysian guy squat on toilet seat, which he finds fascinating, in a fetish kind of way. He then demonstrate this japanese superiority complex, when he learn that people in this developing country knows about fetishes, just like people in his developed country. I was a bit annoyed with his attitude. Then he told me that when he is younger, around 18-22 years old, his fetish is suits, because during that period, he wears gucci often. I just rolled my eyes.

But then he also tells me that japanese don't do anal sex that often, only 30-40% of them do, because it seems that they don't have the facility to clean their ass for anal sex. They have automated ass cleaning apparatus but not a hose that connects to a water source?  Somehow this seems sensible yet senseless at the same time. Seeing that all I know about japan is through tv, I guess I just have to believe what he said, that anal sex is another form of fetish in japan.

Lapse

A month lapsed and I have not updated any post, the blog remains the same just as I remains the same, though one might wonder how much can mere 30 days change a person? Yet I know that the world can turn upside down in a split second. Life that one has known all his life could morph into something totally alien. Alien, not necessary terrible, just different. So much so that one would need extensive period of time to get use to it, but alas human is good at adapting to new surrounding. In time, we cope with what we are thrust into. Hoping that it remains the same from now on.

相思泪心头滴

呆坐房内
    眼望荧光
        释怀的旋律在耳边。

喃喃自语
    心系远方
        几分落寞几分愁。

无言的结局

你离开的多么突然走的完全无声无息
你说你已经想清楚了是时候我们分手
我向你乞求一个坦诚相对的最后机会
你却和我说你已经没任何话要对我讲
这句话让我的心在当下彻底的粉碎了
在一起的时光最终换来的是无言以对
我和自己说那是因为你怕自己会后悔
但这只是我安慰自己的一个说法而已
相爱后剩下无言是分手最残酷的理由

The Love I Meant to Say

Sorry, that's the word I want to sing to you
The other word is stay
To hear the love I meant to say

Break a cherry

Do you remember the first time you get down and dirty with another man? I'm sure you do. Mine, well, it wasn't the most pleasant of experience. But I did redeem myself with a threesome on my second endeavor, so I guess I was even with myself.

My first sexual experience started right after I was over 18, for some reason that's the age when I allow myself to have a taste of men. Probably quite young for my age group, for I know people who have their first taste of man much later then me. But I also know that kids nowadays started way younger, too young for their own good I guess. Because by the age of 18, they have done it all.

Would I advice the younger generation to hold their first time for the person they love? Well... sex is over rated, but I have to admit, making love feels much better then having sex. Cherish it if you happen to chance upon it, else rampant sex can merely satisfy our primal urge, not that tingling sensation of love and lust collides.

Betrayal

Betrayal is one of the worst pain ever a man can endure regardless of whether you are betrayed by a colleague, a friend, a lover, a family member or a country man. That someone abused the trust you gave them, it is as if your body has been violated, granted there are people who fantasize about being raped, but betrayal is at a level beyond many of us.

I realize that people who were betrayed always blame the person who betrayed them. I guess it is only human that we divert the pain we feel inside into anger that we could channel outside. We never stop and wonder why we were betrayed. One might think it's pathetic wanting to give a valid reason to justify our betrayal, but consider this, being trusting is one thing, being ignorant is another.

Rendezvous in the gym

"Aren't you scared when you do it in the open?"
"That's part of the excitement."
"True, but imagine people finding out."
"Well, rest assure that it is not as big a secret as you think."
"You mean people are aware of you guys doing it there?"
"I think so. I think there might even be something similar happening next door."
"Wow... that's unimaginable to me."
"Once you've tried it, then you'll know that it's actually much more common then you think."
"Hmm..."

Many a stories I heard about people having sex in the gym shower. This has eluded me all these years, but finally I have a first hand experience. From what I have gathered, it starts in the steam room. People taking off their towel to sit on the bench, circumstantially exposing their soft tool. Then you'll see another person sitting or standing opposite, or parading around, adjusting their towel or what not. The braver one would just sit down and slowly edge their hand or leg towards the other person. And if the guy was not startled or react, then it probably means green to go.

Is it exciting? Indeed it can be so. Exciting as it is, but I do wonder, is it worth the risk?

Selagi Ada.. (Cinta)

Selagi ada cinta di hatiku,
Selagi ada rindu yang membara,
Selagi air mata ini mengalir,
Kau tetap di hati ini,
Cintamu tetap di hati.

Alangkah baiknya kalau anda tetap di sisiku, tetapi yang tinggal hanyalah rinduku padamu
Rindu bersemi menjadi kesepian yang menggegarkan, tetapi yang kedengaran hanyalah bunyi tangisan

The Days After 5th of May

On the 5th of May, I exercise my right as a citizen of Malaysia, only to discover along with the rest of the country, how easily removed the indelible ink was. Then on the same night, the excitement of possibly overturning the dictatorship turned into sadness when it seems that dirty politic tricks was used. The next two days was filled with further disappointment  both to the country and to the people of the country. The racist statements, the rumors of violence and the irrational thinking of many people.

What does the Chinese want? If you still have to ask, it shows how little you know about the Chinese after 50 plus odd years.

一生所爱

情人别后 永远再不来 (消散的情缘)
无言独坐 放眼尘世外 (愿来日再续)

如果相比整个世界，吉隆坡应该是很小。但是对我来说，它还是无比的大。至少它可以大到阻隔我俩相见。谁说世界上最痛苦的是我就站在你面前但你却不知道我爱你？能够天天见面，虽然爱无法言语，至少那份痛苦还能慰籍那颗可望爱的心。明明可以看得见，但却不能碰面。明明可以听见，但是必须失连。明明很关心，但又不能慰问。不是不想，而是不能。旁人无法了解，也无须任何人去了解。这种孤独、痛苦难以形容。

Come what may

Never know I could feel like this, like I've never seen the sky before.
Want to vanish inside your kiss, every day I love you more and more.
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Telling me to give you everything.
Seasons may change, winter to spring but I love you until the end of time.

Until the end of time, when spring turns into eternal winter night
Everything that is mine can be forsaked, yet I yearn to hear you sing
A song of love that reminds me of your kiss that has long since left
Under a strange sky that I once knew, the feeling of lost echos

Come what may, I have accepted my fate but I'll love you till my dying day,
A day that doesn't seem so far away,
Come what may, I have nothing to lose when I lost you that day,
A day that feels like yesterday.

Just give me a reason

A reason is not the reason, a reason can be an excuse, but the reason a truth, sometimes we offer a reason simply because people can't handle the truth.

When life goes bad to worse

Indeed it's bad, terrible to say the least, but c'est la vie, even if we don't want to accept the cruel truth in life, it will still be shove down us regardless. It's not easy to make peace with it, probably not ever, all we can do is to cope with it. Focus on the better things in life, that's been suggested, nonetheless it is hard. Harder still when you have to deal with it alone. Some pain cannot be shared, some pain are better left endured by yourself. Why? Silly pride, that's probably why. In the cold dark night, when silence creeps in, we are always left alone to reflect upon ourselves. But thinking about what went wrong will do no right, it will only drive the pain deeper, until a shattered heart be broken even further. That's when you realized, when life goes bad to worse, worse can go to worst.

星球六晚上

星球六晚上，我想起了你，没什么特别，只是回忆，遗憾的滋味，陪着我形影不离。永远不会有任何人能代替你。

一直以来我都是个夜猫子。虽然你和我说过，要早点睡，但是我努力过了，却还是一样没办法早早入眠。看电视，读小说，就算明天一大早要爬起来上班，都总是要到一两点才会进入梦乡。

但是如果隔天我不需要太早起床，我往往会带上耳机，听着一些让我想起你的歌曲。每当音乐响起后，我都会哽咽、都会哭泣。实在无法控制自己的情绪，又或是说，我在当下释放了我的情绪。超过一年了，那份感觉越感强烈、那份悲痛不曾消退，却像海啸般狠狠的摧毁我那复杂的内心。

A time for everything

A time to live,
A time to die,
A time to soar high up into the sky.

A time to laugh,
A time to grief,
A time to mourn the future that has died.

伤信

重读着你的告别信  抑压而暗涌
虽不信写的话竟可以这么重  但再哭亦无用
如果可不要信  宁死都不要信
但看我手  再激动仍只得伤信


我曾假设，如果我们能够重逢，走回在一起，我们能继续走下去吗？过去发生的事情永不磨灭，会在你我间产生什么化学作用呢？我抱着满满的期待开始假想，但是还没深入就已经发现，这个假设太单薄了，稍微清醒就把美梦给搓破。为了让它保有完美，我选择让它停留在起点，希望无论在多久后，它都依然保持原有的良好感觉。

然而，梦始终会醒来，一些事情终归会走到你面前。原地踏步是我的选择，纵然你已经消失在天际，我依然企盼你的归影。但是当荒芜的大地突然出现双飞的影子，我才惊觉其实当一个人离去后，回来时，他可以是两个人和你插身而过。抬头仰望，苍天浩瀚空洞。我追寻那双飞影，但却遍寻不着。原本封尘在记忆深处的美梦就那样的霎那破碎，遗留下来的是淡淡的落寞。

Friendly of sort

Sometimes you meet with a guy that is so friendly to you, that makes you feel appreciated but come the next day, he became so distant and cold. All the warmth and well wishes traded before the meet up and sex, all turn into short and simple replies instead. You wonder, is all the effort just to get into your pants? Well, partially so but at the same time, some people are just born this way. Their attention span is short, and they don't dwell too long in a relationship that has went pass the great orgasm. Would you call them jerks? Of course, but then again, sometimes it is our own fault of wanting more than was offered, the disappointment born of our own expectation, so who is there to blame but ourselves? 

We are merely passing by each other's life. At a crossroad we met, we get to know each other, we had fun. But when it is time to move on, we should gracefully bow out. And even if we refuse to let go, that feeling should be locked up inside, better a heart breaks inside, then to shatter into ugly pieces that cuts everybody.

Counting down

To whom can I put this question (with any hopes of an answer)? Does being able to live without someone you loved mean you loved him less than you thought... ?
Roland Barthes, Mourning Diary

I keep counting down to the day when he says goodbye. 3 months. 2 months. As if I am expecting something grandeur on that day to happen. Should I buy myself a meal on that day to celebrate or should I sulk at home, crying about what I lost. I do not know for I know not what I really feel now. Whatever tormenting feelings left, it is not inflicted by his physical absence but his presence in my mind. As much as I try to hold on to the memory, I seem to be letting it slip by faster and faster. The feeling of holding and losing someone at the same time is mind boggling indeed.

每一句说话

宁愿永远失败，来填补对你的债，仍想起某天几段情怀，I still love you till I die。

时间冲冲，我们分开原来已经快要一年了。那天很不经意的看见你出现在荧幕上，我还特地跑去看带子，虽然是短短的几十秒而已，看见你专著工作的模样，我觉得我应该感到欣慰的。但是我在感到满足的同时，却也感到痛苦。既然要隔着一道玻璃才能从遥远的地方看见你。

Napoleon Complex

It's difficult to communicate with people who needs to be right all the time. They simply refuse to listen to your reasoning, either because they have high opinion or they believe that they have gone through it, thus having a better say than the rest of us. Sometimes having experience might blind us from seeing possibilities of any kind. We failed to see that there are more than one way of handling matters.

It is bad enough trying to discuss life philosophy with them because they deem their own way, the only way. I guess when we grow older, we somehow entrap ourselves in our own perception of the world. Often forgetting that this strain the relationship around us. Personally I don't think I can get into relationship with someone who needs to be right, for I myself likes to be on the right side too. Two right does make a wrong.