18 November 2009

Passed the Point of No Return

18 November 2009, a day to be remembered. On this day, I went on to end two over 5 years long relationships. First I quit my job, my first job that I have worked for the pass 6 years. It was a great job, but somehow I find myself reaching a bottle neck there. When you dread going to work, where there is no happiness in it, it is time to make a career change. Of course there are other factors involve such as my opinion on how the company functions and other trivial matters, but still, being unhappy at work was the major drive.

This sentiment has been there for quite awhile, and I have actually decided to quit since half a year ago but on my brother's advice, I delayed it until I find a new job, which I have still yet to. And then, it hits me, if I were to follow my instinct and quit a few months back, I would be a hell lot more different person now. Not necessary happier, might even be in desperation to find a new job, but at least then I would have a drive to do something. Now, I'm at a stagnant point where no matter what my boss asked me to do, I have no further interest then completing it. I thought that a paradigm shift would help me see new light in things, but it only makes me realize that it is not what I want. Contrary to what people think is best for me, when I myself does not feel the connection, all is in vain.

On the same night, I broke off with my bf. It was a sad thing for both of us. He loved me so much but our distance and the things that I have done, made me realize that I should be unselfishly selfish. One should be unselfish for others yet one should also be selfish for yourself. We have come to a stage that we are more family then lovers, which makes me feel strain. Somehow that is not what love should be.

So I decided to quit both and start anew. My boss tells me that she is happy that I have come to my senses and decided to change, and that I should make the best out of what I am having now and not start again from scratch. He also asked me why is it that when I decided to start my new life, I cannot include him in it. To that, I honestly say, I don't know. I guess it is just my weird perception towards life. The more I think about it, the more confusing it became, the less I want to think about it. In order to move on, I want to just cut it off and move on.

It's same like running a marathon. An hour into the run when I am tired and in pain, I ask myself why I subject myself to such torture. But by then I am already half way down the track, there is no turning back but keep on pressing forward until I reach the end. I no longer ask the question if it is right or wrong. All that matters that is keep on moving forward.

15 November 2009

:Daniel

Daniel is a very fun and to-be-made-fun-of name, which have a lot of improvised variations such as Danny, Dani, Dan, Deno, Danilo, Danko, Danyil etc. One can actually go crazy in improvising the spelling of the name for the benefit of their numerology. A lot of people, except Daniel themselves (I hope), probably doesn't know this, Daniel means "Judgment of God", which leads to a not that widely known phrase, a Daniel come to judgment. Although it did make a popular appearance in Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice, though I doubt many among us knows about The Merchant of Venice, let alone have read about it. The phrase itself means someone who makes a wise judgment about something that has previously proven difficult to resolve. O Daniel, how I do honor thee.

And being so close to God, it is only natural that there is a Book of Daniel.

There is a famous Irish song, which was ironically written by an American that has never step foot on Ireland, called Danny Boy. If you are aware of the trend of the current gay culture, you would find the first line of the lyric "Oh Danny boy, the pipes,the pipes are calling" as amusing as I find it.



There was actually two songs titled Daniel. One was by the Queen Diva himself, Sir Elton John written in the 70s while the other was more contemporary by Bat for Lashes. Two very different songs but interestingly, there must be something divine in Daniel's eye which attracts both songs to mentioned it.





Last but not least, the name Daniel can be anagrammed to denial, which brings us to Daniel in denial. Something which I often use for my Daniel friends.

01 November 2009

Halloween 2009

Halloween 2009 was rather eventful in a way that it has nothing to do with Halloween. Due to some rather unhealthy activity the previous night, I hardly get enough quality sleep yet I woke up around 10am. Had my breakfast and went to gym at 11am. I was planning to clock at least an hour on the treadmill, but near to the 20 minutes mark, I was kind of out of breath and decided to call it. I was also planning to practice a new breathing routine while running, which I googled about on how to reduce the pain in the chest while running. I have tried it and find it convincing though I think I would need to do an hour run to conclusively decide if it would work for me. Interestingly enough, all you need to do is to breathe in through your nose and breath out through the mouth to reduce the chest pain. The site I've googled did not really tells me why, might need to do some extra googling on this I guess. I also spend some time doing weight resistance training afterward. It's my fervent wish, yet again, that I could somehow tone up my body. This is turning into a spiral of despair.

I then went shopping for a water heater in Midvalley. It came at a surprise to find that Harvey Norman does not carry water heater. Best Denki was pathetic where all the staff are just hogging near the plasma tv, not giving a damn about people buying less expensive electronics. And I want to add that a water heater in the shop cost a minimum RM500, which isn't really that small an amount. End up, I bought a basic unit in SS2 instead at less then RM350 later the night serendipitily.

There was a new place to eat in MV that I came across called The Spaghetti Farm, selling spagehetti of course. I gave it a try and find the food mediocre. At RM12 for a set meal, I know of other place in MV that serves better meal. The one thing about this place is that they serve their food in bowl, which gives me the impression that the food are half full. If I'm running the place, I would place my food in a smaller plate to give the illusion that I'm serving a huge portion. Even if the food is crappy, people would return when they consider the portion.

Went home to take a nap and went out again to dinner with a friend. I was chauffeur in my friend's mini. Mini are at the moment my dream car. I like the idea of a tall person driving a small car. Why not a kancil or kenari? Ok, I like the idea of a tall person driving a small but expensive car. So I'm vain, sue me. Mini is actually quite spacious inside, enough for two anyway.

We then watch Surrogates. Lousy movie with too many loop holes. All in all, it was a fun Saturday and happy Halloween.

30 September 2009

Talak Battah

I have known couples, straight and gay, that likes to breakup simply just to makeup later. They says that it spice up the relationship. In the end, these couples never stayed together.

I don't believe in making up after breaking up. Reconciliation just wouldn't work at all. It takes a leap of faith to start a relationship, dedication to maintain one and determination to end one. It's one thing to fight and makeup, it's totally different when breakup is involved. If you can cry breakup just because of some nuisance, I seriously doubt how serious you are in the relationship. And if you are with someone who threaten you by breaking up with you, I'll say good riddance to him if I were you. Who need someone insecure in their life? Drama, well, it is my belief that drama is best enjoyed when it doesn't involve me.

Some say that if you truly loved someone, his flaws will seems like his best attributes. But when his best attributes starts to annoys you, then it is an indication that somehow you have loved him less. To be, or not to be: that is the question: whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?

10 September 2009

Random Tandem

Someone offered to be my soulmate. I was not aware that the position is up for application. Maybe if I were to give both of us a chance to get to know each other, we might become soulmate eventually. But I highly doubt it. I personally believe that if one were to consciously make something happen, it would fail terribly. Though one may argue that it is the amount of effort one put into it, same as every single thing in life, but somehow I'm more incline to let things happen by itself. Not exactly the most proactive life philosophy, but as someone once told me, whatever floats your boat, guess it's floating mine. There was a saying that the bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. With no expectation, even the smallest thing is a blessing. Self delusion maybe, but ignorance is bliss and indeed I am being blithely unconcerned.

So to the person who offered to be my soulmate, I am grateful of your kind offer but with a heavy heart, I have to decline the proposition. I wish you good luck in your search of soulmate and any other future endeavor.

In a totally unrelated note, somehow I have an urge to pen this down from my latest read of John Irving's The World According to Garp - they all settled into being the kind of friends many old friends become: this is, they were friends when they heard from each other – or when, occasionally, they got together. And when they were not in touch, they did not think of one another. Sad though it may sound, true that it does ring. Hmm... I think it got something to do with the Nickelback song playing on tv now, if today is the last day of your life. Totally random.

08 August 2009

Provocation through Inspiration

It was weird to officially see a follower on this obscure corner in the cyberworld. True, there are friends who sometimes drop by, but to see "1 Follower" on the dashboard was, in a sense, awe inspiring. Of course, this doesn't mean that I don't appreciate those who drop by once in awhile, I can no other answer make, but, thanks, and thanks.

Nearing 30 seems to stir up quite some things in life. It was weird in a sense that everything from ideals in life, dreams of future, passion for words, self revelation and other random thoughts just gushes out of nowhere. Everything suddenly shines in a different light. I realized that I'm trapped in a rat race, or rather, I have always know that I'm in a rat race but just never have the motivation to get out of it. I was waiting for Godot.

I think my celestial stars are aligning in a particular way now that I'm nearing the big three-O. I realized that I have spend the pass few years doing nothing. It was at first fun because I thought I was enjoying my life to its fullest but then the depressing moment daunts me when I have to come to terms with the fact that I have wasted a big chunk of my prime achieving nothing, nothing memorable. There was no monetary gain, no asset, no hunky body, no success. Lucky for me, I don't dwell on the past too long. Nothing to be done about the past. Time to move on, that's what I told myself. The sudden paradigm shift was exciting.

There was a lot of anxiety involved when one makes life changing decisions no matter the age. But the relief one felt after affirming to that decision was overwhelming. I am generally happier. Going to office no longer seems so depressing , although I still wake up unwillingly. It opens up a whole lot of different perspectives in life.

I hope to start writing again. I think there lives an aspiring writer somewhere in me.

I think I need to pucker up and stop being so random in my thoughts.

26 July 2009

Man and Boy

Thirty should be when you think - these are my golden years, these are my salad days, the best is yet to come - and all that old crap.

You are still young enough to stay up all night, but you are old enough to have a credit card. All the uncertainties and poverty of your teens and twenties are finally over - and good riddance to the lot of them - but the sap is still rising.

Thirty should be a good birthday. One of the best.

But how to celebrate reaching the big three-oh? With a collection of laughing single friends in some intimate bar or restaurant? Or surrounded by a loving wife and adoring small children in the bosom of the family home?

There has to be a good way of turning thirty. Perhaps they are all good ways.

All my images of this particular birthday seemed to be derived from some glossy American sitcom. When I thought of turning thirty, I thought of attractive thirty-nothing marrieds snogging like teens in the heat while in the background a gurgling baby crawls across some polished paraquat floor, or I saw a circle of good-looking, wisecracking friends drinking latte and showing off their impressive knitwear while wryly bemoaning the dating game. That was my problem. When I thought of turning thirty, I thought of somebody's life.

That's what thirty should be - grown-up without being dissapointed, settle without being complacent, worldly wise, but not so worldly wise that you feel like chucking yourself under a train. That time of your life.

By thirty you have finally realized that you are not going to live forever, of course. But surely that should only make the laughing, latte-drinking present taste even sweeter? You shouldn't let your inevitable death put a damper on things. Don't let the long, slow slide to the grave get in the way of good times.

Whether you are enjoying the last few years of unmarried freedom, or have recently move on to a more adult, more committed way of life with someone you love, it's difficult to imagine a truly awful way of turning thirty.

~Taken from Man And Boy by Tony Parsons~

12 July 2009

I ain't bovvered

It is my fault to give you my msn id.
Seeing that we didn't connect upon adding each other, I know I should not have just removed you, I should have blocked you. But blocking you clog my block list, stranger, wouldn't it be better for both of us to remove each other from each others list?

It is my fault that I didn't get to screw you the first time we chat.
Indeed, I should have screwed you instead of him, he wasn't that fun to play with. But alas, no point crying over spilled cum. Let us not hamper each others hunt?

It is my fault to have such an unremarkable name.
Common as it is, I'm naturally infatuated with it, I care less of how you think of it. You don't see me questioning your name right?

It is my fault to constantly change my msn pictures from a myriad of source.
As much as it annoys you, it has became a fetish of mine, and as far as fetish goes, it does not concerns you. Can't you mind your own matters?

It is my fault that I do not make an impression on you.
As you do not impress me, why would I waste the very little of my charm on you? Why don't we both move on with our life?

It is my fault.
Am I bovvered? Am I bovvered though? Look at my face. Is it bovvered? Ask me if I'm bovvered! Look, face, bovvered? I ain't bovvered!

28 June 2009

Sexy Marathoner

Not that I have any time at all to look at men. Well, actually there were lots of time, but I swear that all my concentration are on finishing the run. But then there were time, lots of them actually, where men overtook me. Men drench in sweat. Men in some rather tight or short outfit. Men with strong legs. Men with well defined butt protruding through the sweat soak shorts. I think I saw some rather cute guy running, but I definitely saw a lot of cute guys at the finishing line, all healthy men with great endurance and stamina. Obviously I'm not implying that I am one seeing that I'm limping now.

But the more astonishing men that I see are not good looking or fit men, but men in their senior years and men who seems to be overweight. That all these uncles in their fifties or sixties are running at a constant speed for the full marathon while the rest of the young men are walking, that's respect. Then there are men and women who seemingly are overweight but are also running at a better pace. Salute!

These men are definitely different from the men I saw in gym. There were only a handful of muscle men I see, but I see a lot more that is lean fit. I wonder where all they went to gym... obviously not the same one as I go to.

24 June 2009

不抱怨的世界

~如果不喜欢一件事,就改变那件事;如果无法改变,就改变自己的态度。不要抱怨。
~批评就像其他的抱怨,也可能是一种吹牛,自夸的形式。
这是我对这几天所发生的事的意见。

~当周遭的人在抱怨,你也觉得没有必要指正对方,而只是观察着这样的现象。因为你即不批评,也不抱怨,对方也不必为自己辩解,抱怨很快就止息了。
本来我不想多说但又耐不着,想卡一脚。。。看来要换手带了。

~“处理”和“抱怨”不同。“处理”是分享你对已经发生的事件有何感受,而不是去重朔这些事件。当你在“处理”某一些经验时,要确定自己说的话都是聚焦于自己的感受,而不是你对这件事的解读和说明。
好象又不用换叻。。。

10 June 2009

Dumb & Dumber


"Dumb ass, what do you expect? She accepted your invitation of dinner on her birthday."
"It's just a dinner, I didn't make a big deal of it."
"Not everyone is a loser like you that like to spend their birthday alone."
"Excuse me."
"Somemore you gave her a present."
"It's her birthday, what's wrong with present? Plus, it's just some small things I get on the way."
"She doesn't treat it that way. Imagine going out to dinner with a guy alone on your birthday and getting a present, it totally hinted that you like her."
"What?"

The bad thing about not being openly gay is that sometimes you forgot that you are gay. We spend so much effort in making ourselves attractive to the same sex that we forgot that it very likely attracts the opposite sex even more. Many of the gay men I knew would probably make a very good husband- they cook, they take great care of their parents, they maintain their looks, they workout and are most probably artistically incline in some sort of musical talents (although I find that I'm missing most traits I just mentioned, luckily my sexual preferences towards male body confirms my gayness albeit in a pathetically sad way).

Blame it on David Beckham in blurring metrosexual and homosexual. Back then dressing up nicely makes you gay, now, not only do we have to distinctively demonstrate our sexuality in a ever more metrosexual society in order to nail the guy we want, we also have to act straight but somehow deter girls for thinking that we are husband material. Not forgetting all the family members that constantly bicker about when we are starting our family.

I devised a plan. I think I'll just move to a different country for a couple of years. Detaching myself from using MSN or facebook. Then come back two years later and when people asked me when I'm getting married, I'll just conjure up the Golden Globe Best Actor in me and says, "Once is enough, I don't think I can go through all the hassle of getting married, divorce and everything." Throw in a sad little smile and turn my head to one side. I think that would be enough to stop most people from asking... I hope...

04 June 2009

Rant

So there was this unknown guy that prompts me on msn, obviously someone I have removed from my list. After the short pleasantry exchange, I confessed that I have no recollection who he is and he told me that we chatted long time ago and never met before. For no apparent reason, the conversation make a sharp turn.

"I was at the club the other day and someone asked to fuck me, but I am top wo, how ah?"
"Go get fuck then, you might like it."
"But how ah? How to get fuck ah?
"Google it."
"How la, I don't know wo."

I removed and blocked him. What the hell was he thinking? First, I don't believe that people can be so thick that they do not know how to use Google. Second, is that suppose to be some ice breaking conversation? I mean, come on, of all the things one can say, that is one the of dumbest and most desperate thing I have ever heard. My personal take on him was that he is obviously a super bottom deprieved of sex and most likely going for something like "Can you show me ah?" at the end of the conversation. Indeed most top have this egoistic satisfaction of converting another top to bottom, but top fuck with their dick not think with their dick.

Argh... idiot!!

17 May 2009

Hi & Hey + Man, Guy & Dude

There are times when I received mails from people, here or somewhere, wanting to get to know me or get into my pants. Flattered as I am, I'm often dishearten by their choice of greetings. I don't expect you to speak Queen's English, but at least you have to start off the right foot. I mean, eventhough I know that the email was copied and forwarded to every tom, dick and harry you see, if you can't properly differentiate the hi and hey, the man, guy and dude, it's always best to keep it simple and leave the greetings to just a hi. But then, unless you have a ripped body with a charming face, most people would simply ignore an email with just a hi.

According to the Webster dictionary, hi is used especially as a greeting while hey is used especially to call attention or to express interrogation, surprise, or exultation. Using them by itself constitute a simple greeting, as far as I'm concerned, but when paired with another word such as man, guy and dude, some people screw up big time.

Hi man is wrong, the correct way to go is hey man, preferably with a comma in between but I can live without it. But hey man is mostly used among people who know each other, and you have to throw in a hint of hip hop into the sentence to make it work. So, to hey man a total stranger, I need to imagine you to be heavily hip hop influenced. Same goes to hey dude, where hi dude is somehow incorrect as far as I'm concerned. Both hey guy and hi guy is incorrect usage too, because it should be guys not guy, where you are referring to a group of people instead of one singular person, unless you named yourself after Madonna's ex husband, Guy Richie, then it all make sense.

In support of Greeting Correctly Month.









Dude.... of coz I made that up, DUH~~~~

07 May 2009

Haiku to Masturbation

Shivering to spasm of delight
The moon cast a shadow on him
Conduit that spurs wasted life

30 April 2009

Go With A Blast

"Don't you worry when you do it raw? STD? Aids?"
"You can get STD through oral sex too, rubber doesn't necessary protects you."
"At least it minimize the chance of you getting infected."
"Nothing much I could do if luck strikes right?"
"You have to be responsible for your own life. You can die a horrible death from Aids and STD you know."
"Yeah, I presume that cancer, heart attack are pleasant death? The fact is, if I die, I die. It can be a car ramming into me or it can be some disease like cancer or Aids. Not much reason for me to worry about my death when it comes."
"You might infect others."
"Dare to play, dare to face. It's nobody's fault but your own."
"I doubt that you'll be so carefree when you are infected."
"You trying to jinx me?"
"No, I'm just saying."
"There was this time, a long time ago, when I was in a group and I did raw with this guy. Afterwards, he whisper into my ear saying what if I tell you I have Aids."
"Oh my god."
"I just look at him and said, then we die together."
"Aren't you worried? Or scared?"
"Like I said, dare to play, dare to face. No point crying over spilled milk."
"So are you positive?"
"Luckily no. But then again, it might be dormant now."
"Gosh."

To look death in the eye requires enormous courage, but when death stares back, we'll be scared shit and piss in our pants. But why do some of us has such apathy towards life? It seems like the whole reason of their existence was to live life happily and die young. Or maybe it is because they have yet to come face to face with death. That they have yet to feel the terror and regrets of life slipping away.

Regrets often comes when there is nothing we can do about something. We learn to live with regrets but when it is life that we regret not living, it became an ultimatum. Regrets no longer carry any meaning. I believe that people that does not cherish life are likely people that does not have a reason to live. Some people live for their family, some live to achieve a dream, people live for their own selfish reason. Because of these reasons, we try to make the best of our existence in this world. But without a reason, life becomes a sightseeing journey instead, we just drift along the river of life.

And then there is irony. The great irony of life is that just when you have found a reason to live, you'll be denied of the chance to live. It's like a karma thing.

28 April 2009

Wisdom & Age

Chinese has a saying, 人老精,鬼老灵, which can be directly translated as man old smarter, ghost old... more powerful? In plain english, we get wiser with age. Which is more or less true but recently I notice that it wasn't really the case afterall. There are some rather smartass kids nowadays that make some friends turning and spinning like a toy. I applaud their skill though I'm still very much amazed on the extent of benefit/damage they can squeeze out at their young age. Gone are the days of when kids are victims of the old, now, a young twink can easily make you regret of your taste in tender meat.

27 April 2009

You're Just Not That Into Him Afterall

In the movie "He's Just Not That Into You", a couple of gay says that the sign is different between straight and gay people. For gay people, it only takes us 3 seconds of eye contact to determine if both people can hit it off, and 2 seconds for us to decide that we are not a match. So much more simpler then our heterosexual counterparts. I guess gays all over the world are alike, it's all about the sex for us.

But what the movie said about strung out was very true. When you really like someone, you'll make an effort to date the person. You'll hope to see his number everytime your phone rings, that you'll bring out the person's name in any random conversation. You'll wish you could write a song about that person. That's the rule, the sign. But consider this, that if you let this feeling simmer, allowing it to sink in without taking any action, that you allow the longing for the person to torture you emotionally. After a few weeks, you'll realize that the longing has subsided, or that another person is occupying your thoughts, you realized then that you're just not that into him afterall.

18 April 2009

The Elusive Feline


I have noticed this elusive feline tattoo all over man. I couldn't figure out if it was a tiger or a panther as I never did get a chance to closely examine those man with the tattoo. At first I thought that I was looking at the same man because I figured that it's rather unlikely that people get the same tattoo. But when I see it all over the body, on the shoulder, on the back, on the abdomen, I suspect that this must be a famous tattoo of sort.

So on this boring weekend, I went googling for this elusive feline and found it on Karl Fredrik Ljungberg, a Swedish footballer for Seattle Sounders FC now (Arsenal and West Ham United before this ) and a CK underwear model, and being a rather typical gay man, that's all I really care about. It seems that this panther tattoo on his abdomen is just a replica of a bigger panther on his back.

And there is even a youtube ad of him shooting the CK ad, kicking balls in his whitey. Yummiliscious. Ah, the things you learn by paying attention to barely naked men.

29 March 2009

Comfort of Lies

“If one day your friend’s bf ask you for sex, would you?”
“Threesome?”
“No, just you and him, behind your friend’s back.”
“I could but I wouldn’t.”
“Somehow doesn’t sound reassuring.”
“I promise not to screw your bf if he asked, assuming you getting one anytime soon.”
“Go die.”
“Right after I screwed your bf?”

I’ve had my share of fun with other people’s bf, knowing very well that they are attached but I in no way know who their bf were. Probably doesn't justify it, but hey, if it's not me there, it's probably someone else, why not me. Of course, not many would willingly admit that they are attached when they are fooling around because we all know the taboo of infidelity especially in this circle, even though it is as rampant as can be. Some people has the mentality block that fooling around with other people's bf is wrong, probably due to the fact that they lost theirs through similar incident, but if the person is under the pretense of singlehood, then it make everything ok, or at least they feel better lied to. Curious how some people take comfort in lies.

21 March 2009

Broken and Bended Heart

"My boyfriend is happily attached, but I'm not."
"But you are the unfaithful one, how could he be happily attached?"
"Ignorance is bliss."
"Ah... indeed. So, are you telling me that you are in pain?"
"To a certain extent, yes."
"Then I'm sure you know what's the right thing to do."
"Come clean or breakup?"
"Somehow I have a feeling that coming clean would lead to breakup."
"I guess you're right. I'll probably keep things as it is."
"You are such a sucker for pain, are you sure you are pure top?"
"Let me give you a fuck and you'll know."
"Haha. A versatile can be a good top too you know."
"Whatever."
"Lighten up, maybe he already knows about it."
"Maybe. It's a small world anyway, he is bound to find out sooner or later."
"Well, the best course of action would be to confess."
"I am, father."
"Father says you are going to hell."
"Splendid, it would be great to see you there, then I can fuck you eternally in hell."
"What's with you and fucking me? Fetish?"
"Cause I love you so."
"How sweet, see you in hell then."
"You make a move first, I still have some unfinished business here to attend to."

Nothing can to nothing fall, nor any place be empty quite; therefore I thinke my breast hath all, those pieces still, though they be not unite. ~ John Donne

17 March 2009

Random Encounters

It seems that I've been missing out on a particular type of adventure all this while. Supposedly one can be shopping in a mall, make eye contact with someone, strike up a conversation and have sex, all in the same day. I thought it's only possible in stories, but I guess every story has its root in truth. And it seems that it's commonly practiced too. Gosh, have I been holding up in a narrow shaft of well all this while?

It's probably because I don't make enough eye contact or that I don't smile enough. People have commented that I don't smile enough and to that I answered, "Why should I smile for no reason? Isn't that borderline lunatic?" And to that the comment escalated from I don't smile enough to I don't look friendly to I look arrogant. To that, the stare, which is probably where the arrogance of mine kicks in. Rooted in truth indeed.

05 March 2009

Thy Body, Thy Temple

In gay social network website, there are a column which ask us to choose our body types. Slim, chub, average, toned, muscle. Being someone who is self-aware and very much insignificant, I opt for being mediocre in the sea of beautiful male bodies. No doubt I envy those who has a sculpt body but lazy as lazy goes, I have only myself to blame. I just can't motivate myself enough to go the distance needed.

Skimping through profile after profile, picture after picture of these well defined body, one can't stop fantasying what it would be to get into their pants. It proved to be even more exhilarating when one of this men prompted you for hookup. Alas, those are blue moons moments left till kingdom come. More likely are chance encounter in the gym where the said body undresses in the locker or was parading in his glory in a party that one might be invited to.

And then horror struck, and the reality of time and photoshop suddenly daunts you. Complexion can be edited, time leaves mark on the body and many of us don't upload our latest pictures to our profile. Defined is loosely defined. We are merely worshiping something of the bygones.

02 March 2009

Vendetta

"If you are not interested in him, then you should tell him to the face."
"I told him I'm attached already."
"But you are still going out with him on dates."
"So?"
"You are playing with people's feeling here."
"No I'm not."
"Mark my words, you'll be in deep shit soon enough."
"Touch wood."

Most would consider it wrong should someone has more than one boyfriend especially if both the boyfriends were ignorant of each other, thinking that they are the one and only. It's call an open relationship if the boyfriend knows about it. But what if he were to declare his unavailability yet went out to have flings behind the boyfriends back? Everybody except the boyfriend knew. They would probably be called slut or cheater, but that's from the boyfriend's point of view. How should people attracted to this kind of people handle themselves?

Is it by their own fault to fall willingly knowing very well the consequences? Many claims that they will never be involve with an attached guy regardless of how interested they are towards the person. But how many of them can really be this clear headed when they find themselves caught in the whirlpool?

Many says that if they cannot have it all, they would not want any at all. And that's exactly where most of them is - nothing at all. If you have proclaim such sanctity then you should have the will to uphold the solitary ritual required of you. Don't waged a vendetta against those who do.

27 January 2009

年年难过年年过

女友呢?几时结婚?每年过年必问的问题。以前敷衍的回一两句就行了,什么没有事业啦,还没玩够啦。但人过三十而立,真的有点难敷衍了事。幸亏家族中尚有未娶男在上,还能推三拉四讲一些有的没的。其实事前的铺排是满重要的,这里一个雾里探花,那里一式顺水推舟,再来个潜龙勿用,逃之夭夭。看见表弟表妹个个人高马大,自己甚至已荣升叔叔舅舅,真的不能不感叹岁月不留人。看来真的要考虑换一份过年都不得空的工作才行了。

有时会想老了都不知道要怎样好。老来无依靠,真的恐怖到不敢去想太遥远的可能。而且现在想到说要努力存钱来养老就发毛起来了。虽然同志也可以有个老伴过活,但世事难测,谁又能肯定那未来呢。但可以肯定的是,没有家人照顾的老人家确实可悲。再说我们的文化都感叹无子送终万般可怜。虽然说有些人就算有子女也是一样没人送那最后一程,但那可能是他自身的可悲和遗憾,但是我自觉我对人对事都对得起天地良心只是我喜欢男人而已,奈何我也一样坎坷呢。虽然我有家人,也有人遗传了和我若般的血缘,但那毕竟不是自己的,究竟人类的本职就是传宗接代呀。没有了后代,自己死后又有谁会记得我呢?

古埃及人相信如果死后他们的名字被念出来,那么他们就能在后世活过来。撇开那后世的真实性不讲,其实如果他们的名字被念出,被记得,那么不就表示他们在别人的脑海里活着,我想这跟他们向往的后世应该伯仲之间吧。如果死了也不被缅怀,死了被遗忘掉,那大概跟没活过一样吧。讲起来很可悲,感觉又有点牵强,但自己好象满认同的。圣严法师的临终开示:无事忙中老,空里有哭笑,本来没有我,生死皆可抛。看了多少有点感触但回过头来想,谈何容易啊。虽然圣严法师本意要劝导世人但能参悟的人又有多少个呢?酸葡萄心理作祟,他老人家已经到达那不被遗忘的境界,当然能够这么潇洒。

王梵志说城外土馒头,馅草在城里。一人吃一个,莫嫌没滋味。劳劳碌碌也不过一死。如果可以的话很希望在不知道什么原因的情况之下死去。一了百了。虽然说还有很多的事情想要去做,可能会对生命的短暂抱有遗憾,但如果是突发的话应该就没有什么机会去遗憾吧。

一切有为法,如梦幻泡影,如露复如电,应作如是观。还是不要想太多,活在当下就好。

11 January 2009

You Are Funny

You are funny.

I get that a lot from people. Often, I don't know whether they meant "the last comic standing" funny or "what's wrong with you" kind of funny. Before this I thought that humor is one of my better attributes, and then I was introduced to the word sarcastic, and suddenly everything makes better sense.

Once, someone asked me if I was deliberately picking a fight with him because I disagree with everything he said. I denied then but now I'm incline to agree instead. Yes, I argue for the sake of argument. Nothing like a good conversation then agreeing to disagree.


01 January 2009

一个人过日子

"圣诞和新年你都一个人,你不觉得寂寞吗?"
"不会啊。"
"你不会想你男友在身边吗?"
"习惯了。"
"他呢?"
"他也没法子啊,逆来顺受。"
"好可怜也。"

有些人希望他的男友天天在身旁,一起晚餐,每晚搂在一起睡,每个假日一起走街看戏,一起渡过生日,圣诞,新年和所有的节日。对他们来说这就是在一起的幸福。有些人却不以为然,只因他们已经习惯了一个人过日子。就算是有了男友,他们依然享受独自过日子,所以他们选择了那似有似无的爱情,那能让他们拥有爱情但却不牺牲他们的自由的爱情。可恨又自私的人吗?对他们来说爱情的本貌就是如此啊,所以他们拥有了爱情和自由。很多事情并非对与错,黑与白,往往是朦胧的灰。