空白格

我想你是爱我的，我猜你也舍不得，也许你不是我的，爱你却又该割舍，分开或许是选择，但它也可能是我们的缘分。

遗憾

人生是由很多故事组成的，而遗憾是其中的一部分。

某些遗憾造成的残缺是可以弥补的，某些则不行。

仔细想过之后，你就会知道，什么对自己来说是重要的，而什么是可以，或是该放弃的。我们都只是在做同一个动作而已，就是尽量让自己不要有遗憾。

《微雨之城》 藤井树

存在的假矛盾

有人说，你需要这么痴情，这么伟大吗？我说，伟大？不，我一点也不伟大，反而很可耻。只是一些事实你不懂，所以你才把我的无耻当成痴情。我相信当你知道实情后，你一定不会有这种想法。然而我却不会把真相告诉你，因为我没有勇气去面对。我只能说，我是在把它包装起来，让自己不那么空虚而已。一切都不过是为了欺骗自己，欺骗世界的大谎言。不要太执著我写的任何东西。真的，虽然写的都是真心剖白，然而同一时间却也都是心的谎言。

路一直都在

亲爱的，今天很凑巧的去到你家附近，原本只是经过而已，然而却不知道为何走错路，结果在兜回去的时候，出现在你家外的大路上。我当下在想，如果我现在把头转去一边，我会否看见你的车就停在我的旁边呢？又或是你的车在反方向的路上行驶，我们的目光在那零点零几秒的时间内接触。明显的，这都是机率不大的事情。

然而来到这里，我却感觉到心在隐约的悸动。我想起你不满我就算走了多次，都不大记得去你家的方向。我想起我们在那条从市中心去你家的高速公路上，我俩疯狂抚弄对方的大胆行为。我想起我们在附近的麦当劳吃东西的甜蜜。这都是一些我保留着的记忆。其实，我都会尽量避免再次去到我们曾经去过的地方，我怕我会触景伤情，我更怕我在那些地方遇见了你，却出现我俩无言以对的尴尬场面。我怕我承受不了到时的失落。

有人问我为何放不下你。我告诉他们，不是放不下而是不想放下，因为我视你为我人生中的唯一。我曾默默许下承诺，心不再为谁感动，然而我却不是在这里等待你的归来，因为我知道到你不会回来了。我的心保留的，是我对你的思念和亏欠。

我俩分道扬镳，你走上属于你自己的人生道路，我步上那条没有你的未来。未来的路如何走，我不知道。经过了这么多风雨，我以为我会找到人生的出路，奈何原来设下方向行走是这么难的，接下来这段拾荒之路，我会走着瞧，看着办。

Chapter 2

After the class finished, I saw him talking to some of the other members and I know that he is going to take his time. So I went on to run on the treadmill for fifteen minutes or so. I have registered for a half marathon later next month, and I haven't been working out exactly. I worry that since I didn't practice, I might have difficulties during the last league of my run. Having joined a few marathons, I have no doubt that I can finish the race, it's just a matter of timing. The funny thing about participating in a marathon is that, every time I curse my own foolishness during the run and swore that it will be my last, yet I come back to it again. A glutton for pain I guess.

By the time I went into the shower, the crowd has thinned. I strip off my gym cloth and wrap the white towel around my waist. There was a cute guy sitting on the bench opposite me, I thought I caught him eyeing me while I was getting ready to shower. Presumably the shower in this gym is quite cruisy, I have witness a few stiff cocks hanging around. Though I yearn for a first hand experience yet it remains elusive to me. As I went into the cubicle to shower, I thought I caught the cute guy again at the corner of my eye, but when I finished showering, he was nowhere to be seen. I look at the clock hanging on the wall and it's nearly half pass nine, so I quickly pat myself dry and change into a pair of navy blue jean, and a white collared t-shirt then walk out of the gym.

We met up at the cafe on ground floor. He said that he was famish and ordered a plate of spaghetti and a glass of ice lemon tea. Though tempted by the menu, I restrain myself from ordering anything too heavy, finally settled with a ceasar salad and a cup of hot mocha. As we were waiting for the food to arrive, we chit chat about what has been going on with our lives lately and he started complaining about his boyfriend. He says his boyfriend is being too controlling, that the boyfriend is not happy with him being near other  men. That prove to be an annoyance as he has quite a number of admirers hanging around him. I just look at him and comment that he is handling the delicate situation very well. He look back and gave me a smile.

The drinks arrived first, then came the food. As we were dining, we gossip about some of the common friends that we had, just to keep each other updated. We finished our food and he took out a pack of cigarette. I know how to smoke, but I am not a smoker myself, don't even consider myself a social smoker, but once in awhile I will give puffing a try. Just as I exhale the smoke, he suddenly drop the bomb and told me that his substance abuse habit is getting the worse of him and his relationship with the boyfriend.

Stronger by comparison

I'm pondering bout the saying, what can't kill you makes you stronger. What if it is killing you slowly? Should I grow weak as the day pass? Or as the saying goes, since I am not dead, it should make me stronger? Though I am a believer in extremism, trying to see the world in black and white, I find myself lost in shades of grey especially in situation such as these. The feeling of helplessness for the inability to control the direction in life draws one deeper into the whirlpool.

New hope maybe?

It's funny how people is sometimes. We hope for things that would never come by. I thought that I am already pass that childish notion, of wanting what I know I would never get. But I guess I am human still, as much as I steel myself against the world, I can't help but  feel vulnerable deep within, especially during those special days in life.

I have stop hoping for things in life, for I thought I have come to terms with the fact that I will never ever get what I hope for most. Thus I relinquish myself of all effort to hope. But that makes life bitters, without hope how would one live? But now I wonder, is that-which-is-not-attainable something that I still hope for? Did I manage to let go of wanting it, and move on to wanting other things in life? I thought I was firm then. I ask myself, how can one regain themselves when they have lost the very essence of life, the will to live? But it seems that human is forgetful, or maybe it was simply instinct to make painful memories fade, for as long as I still have the strength to breathe and the thought of snugging into eternal slumber does not surface, I can always find replacement for purpose to fuel the journey ahead.

忘不了的你

《忘不了的你》明知道我不该想你，为什么好像有回忆？我也曾決意想忘记，一转眼偏又惦记你。你的魔力总叫我怀念你。

无声的爱在消逝

当爱情升华变成亲情时，很多时候遗失的却是双方的沟通。两个人都认为各自了解对方，一切仅在不言中，但是很多时候，自以为是的沉默却是造成破裂的原因。无私的付出最终变成埋怨，两个人的距离越走越远，最后回头时才发现两人已经不在同一个世界里。无声的爱如同不存在的爱，虽然话语可能是谎言，但是行动却可能让人误解，讲出心中的爱，体现你对他的关心，这才能让感情路走的更遥远，更平稳。

最后的期许

生病是痛苦的，但是生病时自己一个人挨过更痛苦。过去几天卧在床上，你在我生病时陪在我身边的记忆却历历在目，奈何一切已成往事。因为抱病很难入眠，但是每当我想起你时，痛苦似乎短暂的减轻了。而我也发现如果我真的离开这个世界，我希望在迷糊中的我能够想起你，那我就能脸带微笑的安然离开这个世界，这是我目前对死亡前一瞬间的期许。

其实难以入眠也并非没有好处，至少我现在终于找到纹身的理由了。为了纪念我们的过去，我决定把他永远的刻在身上。期待吧。。。和我一同期待吧。。。

In Darkness We Wait

In darkness we wait. That is what half naked men do in sauna. As much as it is a place for some men to release their unruly sexual urges, what most of them does is to walk and stand around, even those good looking ones. Though I once wonder why does good looking men need to go to sauna, I have yet to reach a conclusive answer. But I believe it has to do with the fact that some of us need more sex than what we currently have, ranging from a zero for the less fortunate one, to a one for the attached one, and of course not forgetting the wild one which has no limit. Whatever the reason, they might not always get all that they want due standards issues. Standards being what they expect in other men, and what other men expect good looking men to want. The fact is, they all want the same thing, yet they are too shy to approach, cause really if there is no good men around, would you loiter there a few hours instead?

Music to the ear

There are over six thousand songs in my iPod now, some of them belongs to you. I can tell which songs I got from you, which songs were already there before that. Sometimes I wonder, would we be listening to the same song at the exact moment, but I know that the chance is slim. Yet I dwell in the thought, that at least I'm listening to songs that you will likely listen to, eventhough not at the exact same moment as I. 

There are times that I repeatedly listen to the same song over and over again, just to make myself remember, to recall what it was like, what it was like to lose you. I seem to be hook onto the tingling sensation of despair. How peculiar that life can flip so easily. There was a time when jovial rhythm strike my chords, but now I seem to resonate with sad love songs instead. 

雨后

傍晚的时候下了一场大雨，现在外面的空气冷冷的，很清凉。突然外面传来两只野狗追逐狂吠的声音，我一时好奇走出外面。但是当我走到走廊时，却已经看不见它们的踪影了。我深深的吸了一口气，感受着晚上的宁静。我望向橙色灯光照亮的街道，目光停留在路旁的汽车，突然我想起了你。我想起了以前每当你来我家找我时，你都是在外面奔波后才来。很多时候你会趁着在等我的时候，在车里瞌睡一会。我有试过叫你上来我家睡，但是由于家里有人不大方便，所以你婉拒了。当然，我知道你洁癖的性格，让你对我那零乱的房间敬而远之。那时候我想，如果我有自己的家多好，那将会是我们两人的安乐窝。当然，现在已经没有这种想法了，就连想拥有自己一个家的梦也让它随风飘去了。

有人说，人生路上可以放弃的东西很多，唯独梦想不能放弃，但我却无法苟同。虽然人生可以放弃的东西很多，但是如果我们有着一股执著，我们依然能够保存它的，同样的如果我们坚决要放弃，无论多伟大的梦想依然可以随风飘逝。写完了，电台播着莫文蔚的如果没有你，正好是我现在，不，我过去几个月的心情写照。亲爱的，你是否也像我一样在想你？

想念的心情

亲爱的，你知道吗，我已经养成了一个习惯，那就是每晚睡觉前，都会抱着那个你留下的枕头，轻轻的亲吻它，然后和它说，"亲爱的晚安，想你，爱你，对不起"。闭上眼睛，幻想着你就在身边睡着了。脑海里就会浮现前面的那一段话，一段我告诉自己要记录下来的话，但是却等到今天才真正把它写下来。每天日复日的做同样的一件事，让它成为习惯，慰籍我那想念你的心，奈何回忆逐渐模糊，但是心情却日益沉重。

我是真的很爱你！

原来真的会有那么一句简单的话让人的心悸动，就算已经过去了几天，但是当我再次想起时，我的手还是会微微的颤动，整个人哽咽起来。可笑的是，我不知道你为何这么说，或是向谁说。我有多期望你是和我说的，但是我却生生的把这个妄想压下。这是一个矛盾的心情，我对这句话有强烈的欲望，但是我却告诉自己不能期望，奈何我又放不下。百感交集涌入心灵深处，狠狠敲打在我的心头上。就算过去了这么久，我依然能够深深感受到那份情怀。

我的歌声里

剩下的只是回忆。。。
你存在我深深的脑海里，
我的梦里，我的心里，我的《文字》里。

我心中的那一轮银月
在你离开后就不曾圆满
虽然你我生活在同一片蓝天下
但当我们抬头仰望时
却永远不会看见相同的月亮
愿你的中秋圆满

Control

In a relationship, there seems to always be one that is more controlling. Was it because of insecurity that one wants to monitor and restrict the others? Or were there other reasons?

Seems that the one that is controlled tolerate such behavior because that seems to be part and parcel of the relationship he is currently in, for no matter how much he tries to convince his partner otherwise, he seems to have the reputation of being unfaithful. But of course there are some truth in that, because once a player, always a player. Although it hurts a lot when one finds out that the one holding the leash is actually the one who was fooling around all this while. Irony maybe.

But then there are those who cherish their freedom too much, it is like a cause they championed which is sacred and cannot be tainted with even the slight suggestion of restriction. A typical Sagittarius one might call them. I was one of those, but now I realized those are the sad one. Sometimes we control because we care, when you deny the right to control, you deny yourself the chance to be cared for. Sometimes we don't always need to be the alpha male, take some time to enjoy the feeling of being cared for, it takes two to make a relationship works.

Beginning of the End

Recently, I have two friends in their early thirties that tells me, on two separate occasions, that their current failing relationship will be their last relationship ever. If this were to happen last year, I'll surely laugh at them for being cynical, but as I come to term with my own life, I realize that such an idea isn't as out of this world as I presume. Regardless of how determine those two are towards their no-more-relationship resolution, skeptical as I am, I find my conviction ever stronger, that if you truly believe that it is the one and only, the beginning of the end, then it is and shall remain to be so until...

Well, my trains of thoughts says, until the day we die, but that's something too distant for most people to understand. So, I guess I should be satisfy with, until the next moment of enlightenment comes along. That has been how I see life, that shit happens in life but there are always good things that come out of it, even though it hurts like hell.

Life always give you something as long as you live it, bad things come out of good fortune, bad luck can lead to good beginning, and if you think that you have the worst thing in life, well, you'll be surprise how life ingenious life can be for making your life miserable to a whole new level. And then there is strings of good luck, but we never appreciated those, we only realize it when good luck ends and bad fortune begins.

唯一的归宿

“为何走不出这段感情？”
“不是走不出，是心甘情愿困在这里。”
“何必呢？外面的世界花儿多的是。”
“当你认定这是你人生唯一的情感归宿是，你就会明白我的感受。”
“你又知道不会有更好的出现？”
“不是说了吗，当你认定这是唯一的，你就不会去考虑其他的选择，也就没有所谓更好的，或是可能会出现的。”
“但是他已经离开了，可能已经在其他男人怀中了，你又何苦为难自己呢？”
“确实我不知道他现在在哪里，但是我愿意穷一生之力等待他回来。”
“值得吗？”
“如果不值得，他也怎么会是我的唯一呢？”

我总觉得爱情不一定要两个人在一起才能让人刻骨铭心。我总觉得爱情是一个自我催眠的情感纠结。幸福甜蜜的爱总会有不如意的时候，考验两人之间的坚定，让人感叹情路坎坷，最终百般滋味还是需要自己去品尝。既然到头来还是自己一个默默在承受，为何不能孤独地在沧海桑田所遗留下来的落寞中缅怀过去的点滴回忆呢？

这不是我对于感情的执著，而是你无法从我的角度了解爱情。可能当你了解了我的苦衷，你的心中会有一丝明悟，体恤我的坚持，但是对于我来说，你的了解不会减轻我的悲痛，解释只会让我更沉重。

沉重

人总是要经历情伤才知道情为何物。尝过它的甜，就会吃到它的苦。曾几何时，有一段很长的时间，我不知道情为何物。人生路上，我潇洒的遨游，遇见了那棵长着爱情果实的大树。当我摘下那红透的果实，放进口中后，我才发现原来我一直以来错过了这么美妙的情感。可是香甜的果实，留在口中的却是苦涩的味道，旧旧都不消散。当我清醒时，我才发现我遍体鳞伤，原来我已经被爱情荆棘困着。

尝过爱情才知道情歌唱进心坎的感觉，才知道一个人活着不孤独，真正的孤独是无法和别人分享那些深藏的情感，如果这些感觉从来没有被发掘，那该多好。冷漠的孤傲虽然和世界脱节，但是终比沉重的孤独来的好受。

The Bitterness of Estrangement

You know, you are the only one whom I can honestly tell how I am feeling deep inside. All this negative feeling, the torment that has been twisting and turning inside me like a giant shredding machine, you are the only one whom I can share with. But I figured, you don't like hearing them. Hell, I don't like hearing them myself, that is why I don't talk about them, just letting them rot inside me. Not a pretty sight I am sure, and I stink of negativity too. But every time we met, you tried to cheer me up and I end up dumping onto you my misery. I guess that puts you off somehow. That is why I distant myself from you too. No point having two person to endure this pain of mine, not like I can feel less pain when I tell you how depressed I was. I thought maybe if I pretend that everything is alright, it would be good. But alas, self-delusional doesn't work when the bitter truth haunts you at every corner, the impending death echoes so loudly. But I didn't realize that to distant myself from you, can bring on even more pain. I guess there was a part in my that harbors feeling for you still, yet it was not meant to be and will never come to pass. The feeling of letting go and wanting what that can never be yours, that's a double edge sword that bloodied my weakening heart now. The scar will never heal, it will just be another maggot infested wound on my dead body.

Instant Sex

There was a word that was coined here in the country, 'Touch and Go' sex, in honor of our highway's notorious contactless toll system. It's the kind of sex that you meet, fuck, cum and go. The travel time for one person to get to the other person's place is probably longer than the coupling action itself. Eventhough I have my share of experience in this kind of speed sex, I find it unsettling as I questions myself, are both of us that horny? Or are we merely shy and at lost with words? Or is it really like, I don't fucking care, all I need is a fuck?

迷失在怀念中

Melody FM103 现在在试播，他们播的音乐属于我的年代的歌，很多我熟悉的旋律，勾起了我的情绪，让我想起了他。无论是开心的歌或是伤心的歌，我唯一的感觉就是亏欠的内疚。我以为说，自己已经说服自己，我是自私的，他的离开可以成就我的现在。但是那一丝的明悟却像是照明灯般，射入内心处，穿透层层的谎言，让我看清楚自己还是想念他的。到底是内疚还是爱，其实已经不重要了，因为他不可能回到我这里，这些情绪只不过是为自己制造的虚假幻想。可能你会认为这是妄想症的先兆，但是当你发现自己编织的美丽谎言，是唯一能够填补本身的空虚时，你才会知道原来能够毫无保留的活在自己的谎言中，其实不容易，至少现在的我做不来。我多希望自己能够忘掉那一段过去，能够看见他时好像看见陌生人般，但是同一时间，我却十分怀念我们在一起的时光，很希望见到他时好像大家不曾分开过。矛盾把心撕裂。

Gym Sauna

Of all the steamy stories I heard about the gym locker, I for one has never encounter any for the pass few years, until recently that is. My oh my, let me add that it is not once but twice. Talk about things coming in pair.

I come to realize that the reason why I never encounter this, is all due to timing. More specifically going to the gym at non peak hours. Back to the steamy story, what happened was there there was only two person in the sauna, and the other person walk around and flip his towel before me, showing the cock. In the first encounter it was erect, in the second it was not. Regardless, it takes me to reach out to grab the tool to initiate the whole action sequence, but i suspect that if I were to flash mine, it would probably resulted the same too.

Well, was it fun? I wouldn't deny the thrill of it. But would I go to gym just for that? Probably not, but if I were to go to the gym those weird hours, I guess I wouldn't mind being a bit naughty.

爱·玲(2)

我无意中伤害了你 　　 　　　　
你难过地离开 　　 　　　　
我要站在这里 　　 　　　　
等你回来 　　 　　　　
别万一你回来的时候 　　 　　　　
我已经不在这儿等了 　　 　　　　
那你该有多伤心啊 　　 　　　　
你那么脆弱 　　 　　　　
我怕你承受不了 　　 　　　　
我在等的 　　 　　　　
一直在等 　　
<张爱玲语录>

爱·玲(1)

有一种失落，不能说，只能靠感受
有一种悲凉，不能说，只能靠敛藏
有一种喜欢，只能靠欺骗来隐瞒
有一种心痛，叫做爱不能语 　　

我感激你给了我一份美丽的回忆
感激你留给我一个美丽的梦
我感激你让我伤心流泪
让我获取一份成熟 　　 　　

我无法改变你人生的丝毫 　　
甚至无法用绚丽的色彩点缀你的生活 　　
我只能躲在我生命的角落里 　　
倾听你的心跳， 　　
享受你赐给的哀伤 　　 　

我只能用言语向你表述 　　
但你的心似乎永远无法听懂 　　
无心的聆听 　　
是一种悲哀 　　
再见 亲爱的
原谅我的堕落
<张爱玲语录>

Betrayer of Trust

It hurts to have your trust betrayed. But then you have to ask yourself, was the trust hard earned or was it merely a trust given at first sight? Sometimes against our better judgement, we put our faith in people that we barely know because they somehow exude a sense of trustfulness. And as the truth unfold, the magnitude of the lies involve daunts you. Should we curse the opportunist when it is you yourself that let the door open?


Why justify the act of cheating you ask. Well, in this great society of presumption where one is innocent until proven guilty, even liars have to be defended. Just because liars are at fault, doesn't mean they should not be heard. Just because their reasoning is askew, doesn't mean it should be straighten out. Where is the freedom if we deny the wrongful to speak their right mind?


As someone who knows what betrayal taste like, I have to say that betraying leaves a tingling after taste that makes you wanting for more. There is a sweetness to the spinning lies, a bitterness to the remorse, and at the back of the tongue, a choking feeling of reality crushing down. Liars are glutton for the sweet poison of misery. 

生日快乐

我透过面子书知道今天是你的生日
我不是忘记了
只是我选择不要去记得

我挣扎了很久是否要和你说声生日快乐
最后我还是放弃了
不是固执
只是不想让大家尴尬
既然你选择向前走
而我却选择原地踏步
永远无法交集的世界就让他保留原状吧
呐喊式的回响是让人厌烦的
这我很清楚

虽然我幻想你会看见这些我为你而写的文字
但我知道这是我的妄想

Journey to the Lostworld

It was 3 in the morning on a weekday, I was driving home and passed by the famous Lostworld. Eventhough I live quite near to it, the number of times I've been there can probably be counted by two hands. The last time I've been there, well, I don't really remember actually when I was there last. So feeling a bit adventurous, I made a detour into the carpark and to my surprise, there were actually people there still.

So I park my car and walked down. Didn't really travel far, was just walking at the car park and this guy stopped me at my track. He asked me to join him in his Lexus. He was actually quite insistent as he grab my hand. What's worse is that against my better judgement, I went into his car. Well, to my defense, I thought that since I have never experience this before, I might as well give it a try. Who knows, it might turn out great.

Well, nothing too erotic happened. He wanted to kiss me but I decline, mainly cause he contradict himself during our short conversation. He says he don't come here often, yet his action shows otherwise.Sometimes I wonder why people lie like this. Was it shame? Or do they think that by pretending to be innocent, they can get hookup easier. But really, nobody is new to all this nowadays, not even a 12 years old.

Afterwards we left his car and was walking in the carpark again. He was suggesting to hookup with another person for threesome, which again, contradicts his earlier statement of being new to all this. Anyway, as I decline him again, he tried to ask me to get into his car again, but seeing that I'm in open space, it's easier for me to escape. Who knows he might drive me somewhere and force me to rape him...

Around 4ish, I drove home tired. This adventure has been troubling to a certain extent. But at least I know that I wouldn't be feeling the same type of adventurous again anytime soon.

Closure

Closure in life is good. Sometimes we need closure to help get over something or someone. It might not really cover it up, but at least it is a step towards letting it go. But there is a sadness to endure if the closure comes in the aspect of relationship, whether it is lover, family or friends. But something has to be done, some people you have to let go in order for you to move on, eventhough there is nowhere to go. But I guess in this way, we are letting go for them to move on, at least if we believe it hard enough, this makes the act more noble.

I have always been called a cold person, me with my rarely smiling face and unapproachable character. I was content with this kind of relationship with the world and people around me. Then love struck and some bad karma come along, kicking and screaming, I was bruised and can no longer find my way back to solitude. Instead of a life cast by overhang shadows which I can sometimes hide in, life becomes a perceptual darkness instead. One might think that something huge might have block out the sunlight and everything will go back to usual, but when darkness lingers, you know it's here to stay. Closed and sealed shut.

一向年光有限身

一向年光有限身，
等闲离别易销魂。
酒筵歌席莫辞频。

满目山河空念远，
落花风雨更伤春。
不如怜取眼前人。
《临江仙·一向年光有限身》 晏殊

在一个熟悉的氛围下，
我缅怀那一段满目疮痍的过去，
心中所溅起忧伤，
像涟漪般
荡开
消散。

泪光闪烁在眼眸中，
像光阴般一闪而过，
我无奈
我感叹
人生一去不复返。

当下的感触
让长久以来压抑
有一丝的解放，
最后却化作一缕轻烟
回归那虚无的深渊，
灵魂
黯然
低吟。

July

Half a year has gone by and it's already beginning of July. Some people count their blessing for they have live thus far, I mourn for myself as I am one step closer to my demise. Life is at the best as it could now, however bleak it might seems.

I think it is his birthday month, or was it September? I do not remember clearly for I never proud myself with dates. But does it matter now? Would I send him a birthday wish, or do I merely let it pass by me like everything else does. Maybe if I see someone greeting him on Facebook then I will follow suit. As much as I try to care, I failed to muster a single will to do so.

I realized that it is no longer about him or us. Seems like it is always about me and nobody else. What a revolution. But then again, what is revolution but some silly lies that we make ourselves believe. I always try to find a reason for my existence, a reason to justify my action, and it turns out that the joke is on me all this while. I have no need for reason to survive, for life is only so long.

2012 SCKLM & Day After

Finishing 3 hours and 15 minutes for my half marathon wasn't the greatest of time, but seeing that I have not trained for it, nor have I work out for the pass couple of months, I think I did well. Especially when I can still manage to jay walk the day after.

Met up with a friend that I knew online, and he is actually my ex's ex. Talk about small world. Although my ex never did tell me much about this ex of his, not that I pry too much into his pass. Still, it might be weird for some but seeing that I know a few ex of my ex, so this is not exactly new to me. We didn't talk about the ex that we shared, instead he let me into some of his current relationship. I have my thoughts on it but that's for another post, one that might not destine to surface.

Meeting with people, indulging in singlehood, that all seem so alien to me now. Although I can still feel the vibe, but I find myself uninspired by it, I guess the burden of living weights heavily on me. What is left to be done now that life closes in on me. I guess I have to pick up all the jigsaw in my life and bid farewell to them one by one, as I seal them in the parcel meant for the life after.

The Unfortunate

Whenever an unfortunate event happened to us, the first thing that cross our mind is "Why me?". If that unfortunate event were to happen to someone dear to us, we would naturally think that such ill fate should only be read through paper, not taking place in our life. But alas, however distant it seems our life is from reality, one day out of the blue, life will show its true color, and you'll realize just how grounded you are to the reality of things. It is something that we will never be prepared for no matter how many suffered by example, only when we were thrown into the emptiness of despair that we find ourselves suffocating.

He will regard the prayer of the destitute, and not despise their prayer. (Psalm 102:17)

Unfortunately for many of us, we do not see things His way. No matter how much good will come out from this, we must endure the pain of the moment until such day when the rumored good turns out to be true.

愿你幸福

你会希望天长地久
我只在乎曾经拥有
不同的期许多惆怅
但愿你得到那幸福
亏欠的心欣然满足

归去来兮，田园将芜，胡不归！
既自以心为形役，奚惆怅而独悲！
悟已往之不谏，知来者之可追；
实迷途其未远，觉今是而昨非。
《归去来兮辞》

Chapter 1

I thought I caught him at the corner of my eyes but when I paused and turn my head around, it was not him walking by. And it hits me suddenly that I still miss him a lot. My heart aches every time I think about him, of all the pain that I have caused him. The feeling of guilt overwhelms me and my eyes watered slightly. I close my eye, took a deep breath and continue walking.

It's twenty pass seven in the evening. Just after office hour. The gym is starting to pack with people. I scanned my membership card at the counter and proceed to exchange it for two white towels. I run up the short steps onto the second floor and went into the male changing room. Men of different ages and shapes is changing inside. Some of them dashing, some of them disaster, but after coming here for nearly 6 years, I'm somehow unmoved by the sight of near naked men.

I took the water bottle out of and lock my bag inside. With the smaller towel flung over my right shoulder, I left the changing room and went back down to the first floor. The previous class hasn't finish yet, so I move to one of the machine to lift some weights. I thought to myself, if only I have done it properly, I would have a six pack by now, but then again, there are a lot of things that I should have done but never come about doing. That makes me think about him again. I push the feeling aside.

The class finish and the people inside came out. The next group went in to put their boards onto the floor. I went in, grab my boards and put it on my usual spot at the left corner. We all waiting for the step class instructor to come.

I've joined step class since I first joined this gym several years ago. I tried dancing too but then I found out that I can't dance. Instead, step turns into something that I am quite good at, from beginner class to advance class, I stepped up. I guess I can be consider a senior of the class, but of course everybody in here can follow the class well.

Seven fifty and he is late again but that his habit. I told him about my annoyance of him being late, but he jokingly explains to me that it's the diva in him, so I have to accept it. I did. I met him in this exact class, and I have to admit that I joined the class because of him. He was cute. I was thrill when I had a chance to play with him in bed. It's kind of like dream come true back then. After that we kept our promiscuous relationship and remained friends with benefits. I have feelings for him, but it never to blossom into anything. I was disappointed once, but now I'm glad that it didn't.

Finally he came in right before the class started and put his board on the other end of the room. The music starts. He saw me and motion for us to go for dinner later. I nod my head and then turn my attention to the class.

What's right?

I have never been good with dates. I have forgotten when exactly it happens. Sometimes it feels like ages ago, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Regardless, the emotion remains strong. I've tried to explain to myself that it's karma, I've tried convincing myself that I am in control, I even tried to be delusional. But alas, there is a revelation out of all these still, at least for now.

Is there a reason to all these self explanation? It serves to calm myself every time it turns into a turmoil inside. It seems that I need to justify my own action. I realize that there is a consequences to all the things done, but at this point in my life, consequences is the last thing in my mind. I tell myself, what is there to care about, I have been forsaken. What is your life to do with me? But then, this tiny voice inside my head whisper to me, saying that I should not let others bear this pain that I feel. I guess I have some conscience left in me. But still, I don't seem to make the right decision eventhough I know what's the right thing to do. Curious how perverted the mind can be when death weights so heavily onto one.

你的下一生从这里开始

我来到一个很奇怪的地方，一个一望无际的白色空间。在我前面有人在排队。我回头看，人龙一直往后延伸。每个人之间的距离都有至少两步，由于太安静了，我也不好意思问我前后的人，大家排队等什么。

很快的我走到队伍前，在我眼前一排打开是很多的柜台，柜台前都有坐着一个身穿白衣的人，而在他对面的是另一个穿着黑衣的人。这时我才发现我也是一身白衣。我抬头一看，柜台上有个大型的牌板，上面写着《你的下一生从这里开始》。我的脑里似乎抓住一些东西，但是又不太确定是什么。

我慌神了一阵，就看见左边第八个柜台空了出来，我慢步的走向那里。坐下后，我看见一个挺帅气的男生坐在前面。他微笑的看着我，向我问好。我的嘴唇微扬，点头向他微笑。我在等他告诉我，下一步该做什么。

他跟我说，每一个人开始新的一生前都有两个选择。根据这两个选择，我们可以决定下一生的大方向。他向我解释这两个选择是什么，他说我们可以选择自己的性格或是选择自己的命运。这两个选择有各自的优点和缺点，他详细的跟我解说。

他说，第一个选择是《人定胜天》，意思就是说我们可以根据所提供的选项里头，选择几个自己要的特性，但是命运却不掌握在自己手中。下一生，我们只能够靠着这些特性来抵抗命运长河的起伏。他举例说，可能我选择了出众的样貌和倔强的性格，所以如果我们命运中带有明星运，那么我就可能凭着这两种特性创一番事业，但是如果命运中带有红颜薄命，那么我的样貌就足以致命。也可能我的命运让我诞生在战场上，这个出众的样貌可能根本无法对我带来任何影响，但是倔强的性格却可以让我活下来。

第二个选择是《听天由命》，意思是我们可以选择自己命运的大方向。我们可以选择一生平淡劳碌命，或是先甜后苦命，也可以尝试红颜薄命。只要选择了自己的命运大方向，就会被分配到一些性格，这些性格可以左右我一生的起伏，但是我却永远无法抵抗命运的潮汐。他举例说，譬如我选择了一生平淡劳碌命，但是我可能被分配到《野心》，所以在这个命运下，无论我多努力，我的野心永远都不会达到，反之如果我选择《飞上枝头变凤凰》，那么就算我没有被分配到美貌，我也依然会成为被捧在掌心。当然这都有不同程度的计算，不需要我知道个中的巧妙。

我问说，可以知道这两个选择里头的选项吗？他笑笑说，我必须在两个之中选一个才能继续知道我接下来的选项，这样才公平。要不然大家都会选最好的选择，这样世界就大乱了。我沉思在自己的计算里，男生一点不耐烦也没有。他只是静静的等待我的恢复。最终我选择了《听天由命》，因为我想到说，只要命运不错，那么人生路就不会太坎坷了。

这个故事想说的其实是说服自己，不要怨恨自己的人生，很多事情都是自己决定的，就连那些虚无缥缈的事也是冥冥之中由自己掌握了一部分。告诉自己说，人生如此，离离原上草，一岁一枯荣。

The One That Got Away

Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on, In another life, I would be your boy, be us against the world.

再见我的爱人

《 再见我的爱人 》温柔的情，热哄的心，甜蜜的吻，醉人的歌声，我会永远爱你在心底。

What Works

Why do people resort to extreme practices or habits to escape the pain that they feel inside? Because it works. Eventhough it only works while so ever shortly, which is why it turns into an addiction. The truth is that they know the implication of their action, but during that particular time of sorrow and pain, what they want is only to forget their pain. Once they are sober again and the pain starts to eat them up inside once more, they dwell back into their extremities yet again. Repeating the whole vicious cycle until one day, the pain was long forgotten but the addiction remains. We look at them and say, you have lost your direction. We can no longer hear the ghostly past that haunts them and their blank stares buried their pain deep within. We judge them, not understanding the pain they have to endure, we thought that they have lost their common sense, but we ourselves forgot that when we are hurting, what we held onto is not common sense but a lack of any senses.

妹式情歌的感触

在阿妹的演唱会里，我听见了一首又一首的情歌，当中有一些让我想起了你，想起了我们，勾起了我心中的痛。我感觉到泪水在我眼眶中打滚，但是我告诉自己必须坚强，因为你已经选择往前走了。虽然我依然在原地踏步，幻想着你还在我身边，但是我知道这是我放不开也看不见未来。我最亲爱的，你过的怎么样？。有没有想过我，像普通旧朋友，还是你依然会心疼我，好多好多的话想对你说，悬着一棵心没著落。一句句的歌词在心中浮动，眼泪不禁落下。

Bersih 3.0

I was at the Berish 3.0 rally for a different reason, but I was there nonetheless. I waited and walked to Merdeka Square like the rest, and felt the tear gas too, although I count myself lucky as I only catch a slight stink of the awful weapon used.

The truth is I don't really care about electoral reform or how corrupted the current government is. For one, I leave no children behind, thus whatever happens has no consequences to me. Eventhough I have other family members here, but it doesn't seem to matter that much to me. I guess that is how some gay feels too. But then again, I know of other gays that feels strongly towards this cause, and I applaud them for it. Someone has to do it, if it's not me, than it is somebody else. But still, that doesn't stop me from feeling disturbed by the things that happened on that day, through the viewing of the videos posted. Do I smell jasmine? I hope not.

Remorse

I have blood on my hands
and as I wipe away the stain with my tears
my heart shatters into pieces
cutting into the core of my soul

The silent scream of remorse deafen
and as I lay there staring into the darkness
my body shivers uncontrollably
the mind lost in perpetual sadness

Knowing that I have do you wrong
and no amount of wishing or trying
can undo my sin
with rue my life spirals

I dare not look you in the eyes
for fear to the see the pain in them
if only you will hate me more
maybe the misery will overwhelm this guilt

放下

当你意识到生命开始走向结束
你就知道
一些事不是放不下
只是不想放下 

心里的那一丝遗憾
让人含恨而终
但是在真正离开之前
这个虚假的情怀却也是一种欣慰
安抚那因为死亡而麻木的心灵 

当一切已经失去意义
我只能凭借虚幻来安慰自己
人生剩余的路上
我并非自己一个攀越
虽然寂寞在呐喊
但我却充耳不闻
既然终点已经清楚的展现在眼前
何必介怀别人的眼光？

Life

Live like it is your last day on earth, I always thought that this quote is encouraging. But now I realize it only works under the pretense that you are not really dying tomorrow or anytime soon for that matter. Because if today is really your last day to live, it's going to be a hard day to live. Where should you start living? Who should you spend it with? What should be the last thing you do? What do you wear for your grand finale? So much things to do and decide yet so little time. But then again, the sheer pressure of death by midnight surely overwhelms anyone, that it becomes insignificant what we do on your last day alive.

We all know that we are going to die sooner or later, but we will always think that it is later, rather then sooner. So when it happens sooner, can we handle it? If you know for sure that  you shall perish by the next 1, 3, 5 or 10 years, given this fixed amount of days to live, can you really live well? It's hard to imagine ourselves dying soon, because even people who are dying wouldn't really put their mind about it. Regardless of how much people embrace death, the cold lingering touch it leaves can freezes you over. The touch of death is in a way a physical connection, not an imaginative one, because you can't imagine death until deaths knocks on your door.

今生今世

同一首歌，不同的人听有不同的领悟
我朋友说这首歌很浪漫
但是我却感觉很忧愁

天也老 任海也老
唯望此爱爱未老
愿意今生约定
他生再拥抱

有时会想是否今世的债要在来时还
还是说今世的情是前世的愁
纠缠不清
但是我知道今世欠你的我永远还不了
只望盼来世能补偿

My Day

Lying on the bed that we sleep on together

Holding to the pillow that you preferred

Trying frantically to feel the warmth you left behind

But only the coldness of the night remains

Where my silent tears felt warm against my shivering heart

Looking at the stranger through the mirror we bought

The reflection of myself screams loneliness

I straighten the jacket that you gave me

And walked out into the world feeling bear

Hiding my tearing eyes with long bangs and sunglasses

I shall bear the pain of this 

By wearing a ring to remind myself

Of what I lost and what I shall never get

Of what little I can hold on to

Till the day I shall no longer wake up to

凭歌寄意... 续

众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在灯火阑珊处

原来那首想点给他的歌一直都在自己的ipod里

奈何是首日文歌

就算一切尽在不言中

心意还是无法传达出去

人生有时就是这么无奈

もう君以外愛せない 今ここに君と約束するよ 

但你却听不见

凭歌寄意

很多时候，歌，唱出了我们的心情
唱出了我们的悲伤与喜悦
我们凭歌寄意
让对方了解我们的心情
尤其在感情受到挫折时
歌，能让我们发泄我们当下的心情

曾几何时
我对歌有一种奢望
希望有人点一首歌给我
当中包含他对我的情感
但是这动人的旋律似乎和我不咬弦
永远藏在虚无缥缈中

但是现在却发现
歌，实在太多了
那一首贴切的歌不一定会在当下出现
但出现后昔日的情感可能不复回
漫无目标的搜索旅程中
时间渐渐淡化了忧伤
而那一首撼动人心的歌
也再无法激起心中的涟漪

空白格

你说命理老师讲你在33岁之前的感情都是轰轰烈烈，但却不会长久。
今年你32岁。我们在一起一年多，感情也算是轰轰烈烈。

虽然我们都清楚大家在一起的时间已经被设下一个期限
却万万没想到原来未来的在一起的时间只剩下一年。
但是奈何命运总是喜欢作弄人
最不希望发生的事情竟然发生了

我不知道你为何不愿意让我和你一同面对未来
是因为你还爱着我吗？
还是因为你对我有恨呢？
我无法看透你的想法
因为在你面前我已经失去了理性的思考。

我知道在多的道歉也无法弥补我对你造成的伤害
虽然你从来没有责怪我
但是我知道你心里是不甘心的
我觉得自己亏欠了你
所以我决定让这份内疚在我心中酝酿
让它成为我永远背负的枷锁。

可能你根本不希罕
可能你还会讥笑我的愚昧自负
但这却是我仅剩的尊严
它将会是我余生情感的寄托

很多东西真的只有在失去之后才变得珍贵
生命是如此
爱情也是如此
失去之后剩下的只有无限的遗憾

听着蔡健雅的空白格
歌词有一句“分开或许是选择但它也可能是我们的缘分”
我想，这可能真的就是我们的缘分

Handle with Care

No no, don't be silly dear, when I said 'open', I don't mean open to everybody regardless of shapes and sizes. What I actually meant was 'open to the type that I am interested in'. Why not be straight forward you say? I thought that was widely understood. Anyhow, do you really need me to shove it in such brutal manner? Although I know you want it in a way, but sadly that's not the way I'm heading. What I'm trying to say is, life is fair, everybody is given choice. True, some people have better options while others have to resort begging, but that's how life goes. Life is not fair. Oh wait, I think I told you life is fair just now. Oh well, life get tanned sometimes. Don't ask me why. I don't have a say in how life works, I'm just sharing with you what little I understand about life. Am sure you understand what I meant, it's not exactly rocket science or needing you to sit under a tree or crucified to accomplish. Anyway, got to go, screwing time. Adios and good luck.

Been There, Done That, Messed Around

I saw this profile with the tagline, "looking for group fun. where can i get it?" and I thought to myself... hmm.. how did I get my first group fun? How many is consider a group anyway? Three or more than that? I think hard and I remember my first threesome, but the first time with more than three? Hmm... that seems to be straining my grey cells too much.

When people ask me about my sexual experience, I usually reply "been there, done that, messed around", which cover most conventional sexual experience plus a few less conventional one. Although there were some milestones yet to be achieved, but those are beyond acceptable for most people anyway. I am daring but sometimes it is best to wait for things to happen than to actively seek it out.

I guess when I look back at my short life, there were things that I do not need to regret over not doing.

Life Without Dreams

Life without dreams is living without hope
But when you know that the most fervent of hope can never come true
That the dream has shattered into dust that vanishes in the air
What is left of life but a lonely journey towards death

Foolish Boy

Foolish boy,
Think yourself brave by staring death in the eyes?
Beware boy,
When death stares back,
You'll pee your pants.

Foolish boy,
Think you have all the time in your life?
Know this boy,
Life will denies your right to live,
Just when you found the meaning to your life.

Foolish boy,
Life is numbered,
Counting down.
Take hold boy,
There are no other time to live besides now,
When death is just hanging nearby.

Foolish boy,
Did you not hear the roaring pain?
Did you not feel the tickling cry?
Stop dreaming boy,
Wipe the tears and start walking,
It's not like you have a choice.

Foolish boy,
Do not cry,
That's how the cycle of life goes,
Round and round it spirals down,
As to where?
You are bound to find out.